Ready for Change

Last night while I was lying awake in bed I was doing the math.  In the last two months, six people that I have known have died.  Two people that I know have had brain surgery, one of those is still in the hospital recovering, and she lost her son in a logging accident this week (one of the six and a former playmate of my own kids'). The other one who had brain surgery is the son of a friend of mine.  They will be meeting with an oncologist in a few days.  Another friend's husband is in the hospital recovering from the stroke he had the day after his quadruple bypass.  He's relearning how to walk and talk and eat and breathe. 

Of the six who died, three were due to heart ailments, one from breast cancer, and two from tragic accidents.  Three of them were my age, one was my son's age, and two were my dad's age.

This seems quite remarkable to me.  Has there been this much catastrophe in my circle of friends and acquaintances before, and I just haven't noticed?  I don't think so.  I think this is really odd, and it has me a bit shell-shocked.  I'm not wallowing, really I'm not, but I am experiencing some post traumatic stress.  I'm hyper-sensitive in my body.  Every twinge or pain catches my full attention and has me wondering if something serious is beginning.  I'm watching my husband and my kids more closely, and when I'm not being overly cautious and sensitive I'm numbing myself and trying to just not think by playing stupid games on the computer and sleeping as much as I can.

My mind has turned to spiritual things, to end of life things, to big weighty things, and I've been battling a lot of negative thinking.  I'm hoping and sensing that change is in the air.  The weather has improved, we have our pool set up and the deck cleaned off.  We'll be attending a couple of weddings in the next two months, and I'm looking forward to a big group camping trip with friends.  I don't know what purpose this season of painful change has served for all of us, but I sense it has served a purpose.  However, I'm ready for some lightness and joy, and I'm not going to take a moment of it for granted.

Reset

I'm still struggling a little bit with the carb cravings since I've allowed myself to give in and eat some of the things I had been avoiding.  I'm also afraid to get on the scale and see what I've gained, so I'm avoiding that.  I am, however, eating very low carb today.  One thing I've managed to continue doing is eat under 25 grams of total carbohydrates every Monday and Tuesday, no matter how badly I might deviate from my plan for the rest of the week.

For Mothers' Day my husband and kids made me mimosas for brunch and prepared Chicken Pad Thai, as per my request, for dinner.  It was delicious.  They also gave me a new iPhone, and this whole post was just an excuse for me to play with the camera on it.  So, here are pictures of my dinner last night, and my low carb breakfast this morning.

I'm Alive!

The month of April was emotionally intense and stressful.  Two friends died. Our dog needed two surgeries. My son needed dental work, and between the surgery and dental bills my husband and I were struggling a bit to figure out how to pay for it all without sinking into credit card debt.

The friend I mentioned the last time I wrote died a week and two days after I wrote.  I did get a chance to see him again before he passed away. He had a huge sendoff celebration starting with a motorcycle ride through town with a bunch of other bikers.  His daughter arranged for someone with a sidecar to ride with him, as it was his dying wish to ride one more time.

After the ride he gathered with friends and family at one of his favorite karaoke spots for one last night of singing and for a chance to say goodbye to those he loves.  My husband and I were there, sitting with his family.  It was,..emotional.  He sang Live Like You Were Dying, and I came undone.   After he died that song played over and over in my head.  It was there all night while I was trying to sleep, and in the morning it was still there, as insistent as it had been the previous day.  It occurred to me that perhaps this was a personal message from Jeff to me; to live like I was dying.

I spent the month of April trying to numb myself, as I do when I feel overwhelmed with stress or emotion, and the message I am taking away from Jeff's death is to plug-in, feel my emotions, and face the situations that cause me to shrink away with courage.  The message for me is to live.

Spring Brings,...

It's pouring today, and right now we've got hail too.  I really dislike this weather.  Well, that's not exactly true.  I wouldn't mind it, in fact, sometimes it can create a nice cozy feeling indoors, but we have this kind of weather for weeks and weeks at at time, and it does make me weary.

I sound like a broken record.  I have the same complaint every year.  So many of us in this area talk and complain about the weather, but it doesn't do anything to change it, and it doesn't make enduring it any easier.  Better to look on the bright side.  All this rain creates the lush, green, beautiful landscape around us.  Summer always comes, and those Summer days are glorious.  If I look outside I can see signs that Spring is here, and that means that the seasons haven't stopped marching forward, (pun intended) and I'll get my sunshine soon enough.

A Nudge

I've changed my weigh-in day to Friday, mostly because I'm down a little bit today and I wasn't all week.  Ha!  So, today I weigh 242.6 pounds, and now some observations about the month of February...

I only wrote three times the entire month.  I somehow lost that winning attitude I developed early in the year and fell back into some of my regular habits.  I'm not bothered by that, just observing patterns.  I lost 2.6 pounds for the month, which is a lot less than I expected or hoped to lose.  One of the old habits I picked up again was the one where I'm waiting to be thinner to be happy.  I forgot that I had accepted myself exactly the way I am, and that doing that felt great.  After losing 12 pounds I was so excited and I started doing the math in my head, telling myself that if I continued to lose weight at that rate I'd be feeling really good by Summer.  I forgot that I had decided to feel really good no matter what I weigh.

I mentioned that I was working on some other things, making pendants, brushing up on my Spanish, but since mentioning that I haven't made a single pendant or visited the app I was using to learn Spanish once.

I spent the entire month pretty distracted, or maybe I was trying to distract myself.  I ended a toxic friendship, and there has been a grieving process with that.  I've spent a lot of time second guessing my decision and reassuring myself that it was the right one at the same time.  While I was honest with my friend about my reasons for ending our friendship, she has decided to make up her own reasons and has been painting an ugly picture about the situation.  That's been frustrating, but  I'm at peace with it.  I expected it.  It fits the unhealthy pattern that led to my decision in the first place, and the people who matter, know who I am, and have been able to see through the smokescreen that was created to hide the truth.

Now I move forward.  It feels like I've been stuck this month, but I haven't.  I've leaned some lessons.  I know there is no "happy switch" that gets flipped forever and for all time.  It's more like a ball that gets rolling and sometimes it loses momentum and needs a nudge or sometimes a great big shove to get rolling again.  This time I think a nudge will do.

Album Cover - Keep the Ball Rolling, Bryn Haworth

Ya Done Good

I've decided that Monday will be my official weigh-in day.  I thought about changing my weigh-ins to before the weekend, because I always seem to undo a little of my work over the weekend, and this weekend is no exception, but, if this is going to work, I have to figure out how to live life with it's ups and downs and still eat happily. 

Anyway, today I weigh 249.6 which is 1.8 pounds less than last Monday.  My waist is 40 inches now, which is a full inch less than last week.  I'm disappointed with this result, and it occurs to me that this is crazy.  For months I've been gaining weight and getting bigger until I decided to love and accept myself exactly as I am.  Then the weight starts coming off and immediately I'm back to telling myself it's not good enough?  Crazy! 

This is my official reminder that being disappointed in myself for not doing a better job is no different from hating myself for gaining the weight in the first place.  I am lovely and loveable  exactly as I am.  I was lovely and loveable two weeks ago, and I will continue to be lovely and loveable no matter what I weigh. 

1.8 pounds in a week is actually a nice loss, especially considering the fact that it was not hard.  I am not starving myself.  I'm not denying myself any of the foods I love.  Okay, we did go to our favorite Mexican restaurant, and I did deny myself a margarita and had water instead, but I was proud of myself for making that choice, and after the meal was over, I didn't miss the margarita.

Ya done good Hasselhoff.  Ya done good.

New Year, New Attitude, Still a Go!

 Just a report on the progress I've made on regaining ground I thought I'd lost.

With holidays, illness, and back pain behind me, I'm feeling better and finally getting back into my routine of cooking meals using real food instead of ordering pizza and buying packaged dinners in a box to feed everyone. 

Cream of Broccoli Soup in Progress

Also, since I cut my 2-day cleanse short, I had a bunch of extra veggies in the fridge, so I made myself a nice tall glass of juice for a snack today.  I was shocked when my youngest daughter drank some and asked for more.  She actually liked it!  This is the girl who will eat nothing but pizza, nachos, macaroni and cheese, and chili, but only if it comes in a can.

The juice was made with an apple, celery, kale, artichoke hearts, cucumbers, parsley, and a bit of lemon.  Not bad for a little girl who lives on bread and cheese and a mommy who is getting her groove back.

Really? A Test So Soon?

Today I've done something to my back. I've thrown it out somehow, which is hilarious because I was just sitting on the couch when suddenly I was in big pain and found I could barely walk when I got up. That's how funny getting old is.  Not. 

It has spoiled my plans for the weekend, and it has shown me how fragile my fresh new outlook is. I have to learn that shit's gonna happen, and I can't just give up when it does.

Right now, though? I'm in pain, and I kinda want to give up a little. I'll be okay, just feeling sorry for myself. And that's okay too. I hurt, and I am sorry for myself. So there. I'm really glad I still have ten days before that yoga class.

Positive Checklist

Some positive things I've done for my health and happiness lately:

• Cooking and eating more whole foods and less processed junk which has helped me narrow down some sensitivities, especially mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, and MSG all containing soy.   Because I've been feeling better eating real food I really notice it when one of those things sneak in, like they did during Thanksgiving dinner.
• Walking a few times a week.
• Bought a new mattress in the quest for better sleep.  I think the mattress is better than what we had, but it hasn't eliminated my sore back and waking up feeling very stiff and sore.  That was a disappointment, and I'm not sure if I should keep trying mattresses or accept the fact that, at this weight, I'm always sore and stiff.
• Ordered progesterone and am really hoping it makes a difference.  I'll let you know!
• Started taking vitamin D.  It's that time of year.
• Reaching out to friends a little bit more.
• Counting my blessings a little bit more.
• Giving myself props for positive action, as in this list.
• Making space for healing by filtering out some of the "noise" that has been distracting and irritating me.  More specifically, taking a break from Facebook.  I've been feeling very sensitive this Fall, and I needed to put some filters up to keep from taking in energy that works against me. 
• Getting dressed, including putting on shoes in the morning.
• Saying, "No," when I need to.
• Saying, "Yes," when it is good for me to do so. (Like accepting social invitations and offers of help.)
• Working on kind and compassionate self-talk.

I just needed to remind myself that a lot of positive action is taking place.

Standing in My Power

Feeling empowered after a nice tarot reading last night, I got dressed this morning and made a healthy smoothie for breakfast.  After breakfast my oldest daughter and I took a walk.    

I have a standing, monthly lunch date with my mom, mother-in-law, and a few other relatives.  We met last Friday and my husband's cousin's wife came for the first time with her daughter.  I'll call her, "Lucy."  When I heard Lucy was going to be there I almost stayed home because a few months ago she made a comment about my weight, and I've been avoiding her ever since then. 

I decided, though, that part of loving and accepting myself is not caring about what people think of me and not letting their thoughtlessness be a reason to imprison myself, so I went to lunch. I was gracious and kind despite the fact that Lucy made a point of talking about nutrition and the small size of her portions as if she were "helping" me by being an example of discipline and righteous eating. 

I would, however, love to be thinner next time we all get together because I feel so vulnerable at this weight, and Lucy let us know that she'll be attending future lunch dates.

I suppose seeing Lucy is why I have been thinking a lot about my weight again, and I why I, for the hundredth time, asked the tarot cards if I could expect success in losing some this time around, but I don't want to lose weight to impress Lucy and people like her.  I want to feel my power and strength in the face of critics like Lucy no matter what I weigh, and I had the perfect opportunity to start practicing during my lunch date.  Maybe that is where this new empowered feeling is coming from.

Grateful

This is a very good list!

10 Simple Things You Can Do Today That Will Make You Happier

Right now I'm combining 1, 4, and 5 by taking walks outside with my daughter, but I think I will work on intentionally adding the other items on the list to my life on a more regular basis.

I'm going to start with practicing gratitude by listing 5 things for which I'm grateful at the end of each of my posts.

I'm grateful for:

• the pretty dew laced spider webs we saw on our walk today.
• this gorgeous sunny day.
• my daughter who has made it her mission to get the two of us moving.
• the extra income coming in right now.
• friends who support me and lift my spirits.

Success

Trying to remember this today after getting on the scale and seeing an all time high number.  I'm also trying to remember that I accept myself unconditionally. 

My hair looks fabulous today, by the way.

This Is Progress!

Yesterday I wore my new pair of jeans and a cute top to the grocery store.  I felt so good being out in something other than sweat pants that make me look super frumpy that I stopped to buy another pair of jeans and another cute top on my way to the grocery store.

I've broken the can't -buy-a-bigger-size barrier, and I'm already feeling so much better about myself.  I'm going to get rid of all of those ugly, frumpy clothes in my drawers; the ones that make me look like I've given up, which I had.  I'm also going to get rid of all the clothes that are too small.  That will be a little harder because I still hope to wear those sizes, but buying something fun and cute in a new smaller size will be a joy I can look forward to in the future, and in the meantime, I can bless someone by giving them something I can't use right now anyway.

The next barrier I intend to break is the can't-stand-to-be-seen-by-people-who-knew-me-when-I-was-thinner barrier. (That's a long-ass barrier.)  I've been avoiding one of my favorite hangouts and one of my favorite hobbies  (karaoke, baby!) because I don't want to face people whispering behind my back about how much weight I've gained.  I've seen my best and closest friends, but there are those friends and associates that I haven't seen (and who haven't seen me) that I haven't wanted to face.

I was feeling so good yesterday that I almost went out.  I didn't because my hair needs dyeing, and I didn't feel like messing with that.  What is notable is that the reason I didn't go out last night didn't have anything to do with fat or fear or self-loathing. 

That wedding I've been dreading is in two weeks.  Two months ago I told myself it would be okay because I still had time to lose some weight and feel better about myself.  I haven't lost a single pound since then, but I feel better about myself anyway, and I'm no longer dreading going to the wedding.  I'm going to get my hair trimmed, dyed and highlighted.  I'm gonna get pedicure, throw on some jewelry and a smile and have a good time.

Choosing Joy

I reread a post I had written a few weeks ago, and I can see that a shift in my thinking has occurred.  I wrote:

"While weight loss isn't my only goal, being overweight is one of the biggest factors keeping me from living joyfully and healthfully, which is my ultimate goal."

 And now I am challenging myself with this question.  Why is being overweight keeping me from living joyfully?  I'm calling bullshit on that.  Being overweight is not what is keeping me from living joyfully.  It's my attitude surrounding being overweight that is the issue.

The truth is, nothing is keeping me from feeling joy.  Nothing at all.  I can feel it right now, like flipping a switch.  It's a choice I can make in every single moment.

I acknowledge that it's not always easy, and when things are bad and problems occur that it's normal to become stressed out.  There's no reason I can't take a time out from that stress and decide to do something that feels good, that actually helps fix the problem.  I can decide to feel however I want about whatever comes up.

This is just a little pep talk for me because I'm gonna need to be reminded of this on a constant basis until it becomes easier for me to do.

Update:  I decided to put this into practice yesterday when I went shopping for some new clothes accompanied by my husband.

At one point while driving down the road I became aware, as I often do during the day, of one of my fat rolls because my arm was resting against it, and I started to feel bad.  Then I said to myself, "Unconditional acceptance.  Remember?  What is there to feel good about right now?"  and I realized it was a gorgeous day, and I was driving down the road with the love of my life, and despite the fact that I weigh over a hundred pounds more than the day we got married he still finds me sexy and gorgeous and he would do anything in the world for me, including going clothes shopping with me to provide moral support.

And then when I was trying on clothes I worked really hard to accept myself instead of leaving the store emptied handed, which I've done in the past because I didn't believe I was worthy of nice clothes, not in this big body.  I did buy a pair of jeans and a new set of pajamas.

It became very hard to feel joyful after clothes and grocery shopping because I made the mistake of wearing flip flops, and that combined with an activity level to which I've grown unaccustomed, set my dogs to barkin' loudly.

While I was in pain and sweating profusely the only thing I could feel good about was the fact that I'd be home soon and could relax and put my feet up.  Good enough.