A Very Long Response

This was a reply to a comment to my last post from MM, but it got to be so long that I just decided to make a post out of it...

Thanks MM.  It is always a relief when someone really gets what I'm experiencing.   I am looking for a DO, and fortunately, our insurance does also cover naturopaths.  Our family doctor is really good in that he doesn't make me feel anxious, and he does understand that a lot of my health issues are anxiety related.  I understand that too, which is really half the battle, but sometimes I am asking myself, what is causing me to be so anxious?

I think there are often real physical things going on that create that brain chemistry and hormone soup.  That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of, and my doctor tends to pat my hand and say, "Just take an antidepressant; it's easier than trying to do the hard work of changing your lifestyle and diet when you're already depressed."  He also doesn't have the time to sort it all out with me. 

That's okay.  I've become a pretty amazing doctor of my own self.  I've also appreciated my doctor for recognizing that.  I usually go in and tell him what my problem is and what I want his help with and he'll do it.  For some reason, though.  I am really nervous about taking that step.  I think I've figured out the whys of that also.

Last time I saw my doctor it lead to a very scary series of events.  The possibility of cancer existed, and I was facing a procedure under anesthesia, which is something I've never done and terrifies me.  I managed to dodge that bullet because things worked themselves out before the date of the hysteroscomy arrived. I had developed a very thick lining in my uterus - over an inch thick!  I attribute that development to my dermatologist who insisted a shot of cortisone would make me so happy and change my life.  That shot did clear up my severe eczema very nicely, but I started bleeding a couple of weeks after that and didn't stop for a month. 

I went into a deep depression and period of severe anxiety after that.  I took both an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication.  My sleep became so disturbed and messed up even with the drugs or maybe because of them. 

I came out of all of that feeling fine and well, but I haven't seen a doctor since.  Which leaves me where I am now: experiencing uncharactaristic indigestion and bloating over the last year, which I think is probably a perimenopausal symptom.  I should see a doctor to rule out other things, which would relieve a lot of the anxiety I have about it all.  A really good doctor might even be able to help me balance the hormones which I suspect are creating the extra anxiety and related symptoms.

I'm still sitting on all of that. For now.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

(Jumping in and pretending it hasn't been 3 months since I last wrote...)

Two recent additions to my diet

I've had a lot of anxiety over the past few months.  I've been experiencing several "symptoms" that  have had me wondering if I'm experiencing heart problems or if I'm just a nervous wreck.  I know a lot of what I'm feeling is post traumatic stress over losing friends and nearly losing friends to heart disease and cancer this year.  The older I get, the more I see people in my age group getting sick and dieing.  It's scary.

Watching other people experience serious health issues has heightened my awareness of my own issues. More specifically, I'm experience several digestive problems: frequent heart burn, reflux, indigestion, bloating, shortness of breath (which I attribute to bloating and anxiety) and pain in my chest, neck, and back.  I find myself wondering constantly if these could be symptoms of heart problems instead of simple digestive issues due to being over-weight and under-active.

I'm overdue for a physical.  I know I should see a doctor to rule out more serious things.  There are many reasons I haven't made an appointment, probably the biggest one being that I have developed a slight distrust of medical doctors.  Fear, being a close second reason for procrastination.  I will go.  Eventually.  It doesn't matter who or how many people tell me to do it.  I'll do it when I'm ready.  I am currently looking for a doctor who has a philosophy of health maintenance more similar to mine and one who won't just had me an anti-depressant, some xanax and sleep medication.  I've been down that road.  It's a band-aid that covers up underlying problems and creates new problems.  I want real health, not an illusion.

Anyway, one day while I was having an episode of indigestion and pain, I remembered that my dad has a hiatal hernia, and my grandma had one, and the way they described feeling was exactly the way I was feeling.  A quick search on the internet led me to stories of others feeling exactly what I was feeling including the worry about heart disease.  So I've been paying closer attention to what I eat.  I found some exercises that are designed to ease the top of the stomach back through the diaphragm in case I am correct about the hiatal hernia, and I've added some foods to my diet that aid digestion.  It's helped.  The daily bloating and indigestion has become less frequent, and when I do experience it I've found that a pinch of fennel seeds really does help ease the problem. (I was skeptical.)

I'm still feeling depressed and very anxious at times.  I think hormones are a big part of the picture, but I'll write about that another day.  I've been doing a lot of reading and researching.  I'm trying to put into practice those things that I think will help (an exercise in trusting my inner wisdom) but it's a process that takes time.

I also think there is a spiritual/psychological component to the digestion problems I'm having.  Repressed anger, "biting my tongue," and things, "I can't stomach," but again, that's a post for another day.

Weighing In

My last weigh-in  was way back in March.  Well, the end of March.  Since then I have lost 3.2 pounds.  Yes, it took me the whole month of April to lose that, but you know what?  I'm counting it as a victory that I didn't gain back all the weight I had lost, considering the amount of emotional eating in which I indulged.

I ate pizza, donuts, cheesecake, potato chips, and nachos.  I drank wine and margaritas many nights.  I exercised and practiced yoga zero minutes (That's a slight exaggeration, but you know what I'm saying).  In between those little binges, though, I continued to eat low carb foods.  Finding out that I don't have to become completely derailed by occasional binges is encouraging.

I'm down to 231.8 pounds, and I'm hoping now that things have settled down somewhat I can get back to losing a pound or two a week again.  Maybe next week I'll see the 220's again.  I never thought I'd be happy to say that!  Sigh.  Well, I am happy to say it.

Really? A Test So Soon?

Today I've done something to my back. I've thrown it out somehow, which is hilarious because I was just sitting on the couch when suddenly I was in big pain and found I could barely walk when I got up. That's how funny getting old is.  Not. 

It has spoiled my plans for the weekend, and it has shown me how fragile my fresh new outlook is. I have to learn that shit's gonna happen, and I can't just give up when it does.

Right now, though? I'm in pain, and I kinda want to give up a little. I'll be okay, just feeling sorry for myself. And that's okay too. I hurt, and I am sorry for myself. So there. I'm really glad I still have ten days before that yoga class.

Sleepy

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I found myself sliding back into that lazy, sitting around all day, and not getting dress pattern that I was experiencing before.  I had a really good week before that, but probably let the bad news from the scale get to me a bit.  The fact that my husband was home for 5 days also sitting around and doing nothing helped me justify sitting around myself.  Now I'm trying to get back into the nice groove I found two weeks ago, but I'm struggling a bit.

For two nights in a row now I have not been able to fall asleep until after 4:00 am, which as you might suspect, leaves me feeling really tired and foggy the entire next day.  I took a walk yesterday and know I should do the same today, but damn.  I'm tired.

The progesterone cream doesn't seem to be making any difference.  After reading other women's experiences with using it I was hopeful that I would sleep better, not worse, and that I would experience more energy during the day.

I'm not giving up, though.  I have a healthy homemade soup on the stove
for me to eat for lunch for the rest of the week.  I'm going to keep trying to make better diet choices.  I'm going to get a little bit of exercise in today, and I'm going to hope for a better night's sleep tonight.

NOT a Happy Thanksgiving

I do not know what possessed me to get on the scale this morning.  I actually thought it would be a nice surprise.  I feel like I've been making progress.

256.6 lbs.

That is 4.2 lbs more than I weighed when I first weighed in on this blog.  It's 10+ lbs. more than I thought I weighed.  That would explain why I'm so sore and tired and why just walking down the hall and getting dressed makes me feels winded.

This news has wrecked my day.  I should have let myself have one more day of denial because now I have to be pleasant company for the Thanksgiving festivities, and I'm not feeling pleasant at all.

I think I need to go back to weighing myself everyday.  It is just too easy for me to put on blinders and not face what I'm really dealing with.

Maybe some of this is not my fault. I'm having so much trouble sleeping.  I've been moody, and PMS is worse for me than it's ever been.  I'm in those perimenopause years, so maybe hormones are working against me right now.  After doing some reading on the subject I ordered some progesterone cream.  It should be here at the beginning of the week.  I am hoping against hope that it makes a difference.

An article by Dr. Christiane Northrup:  Estrogen Dominance

I'm going to leave myself and you with this thought from the article:

"Remember, perimenopause is a time to reinvent yourself. This means investing time and energy in yourself, not everyone else."

Trying to Stay Awake

I feel myself falling asleep again, so soon after waking up.  That's what the last episode of depression  felt like.  I didn't feel sad or scared, or at all angry, as I have in past.  Numb.  Asleep.  That's how I felt, and I can feel myself sliding back down into that.

So, I thought I would start walking again.  I wondered if I could just force myself to do it, knowing the positive effect it would have on my mood and health.  I made a plan to begin a couple of days ago, washed my clothes and set out my walking shoes.

Then I stepped off the deck and twisted my ankle.

I won't be walking for a few days.

Do you see an ankle?  I don't.

Read This, Siddaleah.

I'm still alive. TOTALLY relapsed into old habits (except boxed mac-n-cheese and instant mashed potatoes.  None of that for months.)

I'm just putting a link to this blog post here so I can read it later.  It's about how Roni lost 70 lbs., and I want to read what she has to say because she started with accepting and loving herself, and then from a quick glimpse it looks like she ate healthy food and moved more. 

Anyway, that's it for now.  I'm really exhausted after a difficult week, (of doing nothing) so that's all I have to say today.

Success

Trying to remember this today after getting on the scale and seeing an all time high number.  I'm also trying to remember that I accept myself unconditionally. 

My hair looks fabulous today, by the way.

Four Day Weekends

I have not done a good job the last four days of sticking to my plan of not eating after dinner and eating mostly healthy stuff during the day.  Weekends are always hard for me.  Weekends are some kind of hedonistic trigger or something.  I need to satisfy every craving I've had all week, and then the weekend sort of trickles into the week, and if I'm not careful it becomes my new rut.

So, tomorrow, I start anew.  Wednesday.  Just two days away from the weekend. 

I need to figure out a new way to deal with weekends.

Another Weekend, Another Bump in the Road

Well, once again my weekend indulgences have shown up on the scale.  BUT the jump up on the scale was a half pound less than last week's jump up.  SO, overall, I'm down a half pound, sorta, in a way.  I do need to approach weekends differently than I have been, and that's not new for me.  Weekends have been a problem for me for years.  I break my sleep schedule, I overeat, and I drink on weekends.  I basically undo all of the good things I've done for my body during the week.

Wait.  I just caught myself in a negative thought process that isn't helping.  I don't undo every good thing I've done.  I don't think that's true.  I do disrupt some of the systems I've begun to put into place, though, and until I get those systems firmly embedded into my life, it's not helpful to take such a drastic departure from them.

Or maybe I'm being altogether too hard on myself.  My period is due any second now.  That could easily account for the weight gain.  How about this?  I will count the overeating I did this weekend, and there was one night of out of control eating, as a learning experience.  Next time I'm in the same situation, which I certainly will be, I will handle it differently.  I already have a plan.

That said, I'm trying to gear myself up to start an exercise program.  I need something more than 5 minutes of yoga in the morning.  The yoga is very helpful.  It gets my blood circulating and deepens my breathing, which really wakes me up.  I'm also noticing better flexibility and less pain in my feet in the morning.  (My plantar fasciitis is back, resolved previously with daily walking and stretching.) I think it's time to add something more, though.

Three times last week, from three different sources, I got the message that exercise is daily medicine, not just a means of losing weight. (This article was one of the places the message appeared.) Exercise is a way of improving my mood and reducing stress, something that is as necessary to my well being as a pill that a doctor may prescribe for a medical condition. 

Instead of thinking of it as something I need to do every day so that I can achieve the desired result of being a certain weight somewhere in the distant future, I'm going to shift my thinking.  I will think of it as something that provides an immediate benefit.  It immediately improves my mood and my self esteem.  There are immediate and cumulative physical benefits, but the mental benefits are just as important.

I feed myself everyday.  I sleep everyday.  And now I resolve to move more everyday in an intentional way.  That's the best promise I can make myself.  I can't lock myself into a certain number of minutes or a certain type of activity, but I can promise to think about exercise differently and intentionally add more of it to each day.

Bad Day

My energy level is pretty low today.  It's chilly and there is no sun.  I think that may be part of the problem.  My face is all itchy and broken out too.  Oh! and I just remembered it's getting pretty close to THAT time of month.

I was sitting on my bed earlier about to pull a tarot card for the day when I looked over my shoulder at the big mirror on my dresser.  I saw a fat, fat woman.  She was fatter than I've ever seen myself.  I almost started crying, and I muttered, "Please, God, help me."  Sometimes I get low.

Anyway, I thought, "I need a pep talk," and I pulled three cards instead of one.  Click here to see what I drew.

Weekends Are Hard

My weekend of indulgent eating finally showed up on the scale this morning.  Since weighing myself four days ago, my weight remained unchanged each day until this morning.  I was beginning to think my scale was broken, but today my weight was up 1.3 pounds. 

I know it's water weight at this point, but I do need to be more mindful.  I say this as I sit here with a belly full of pizza.  Sigh.  I did have a meal planned for the night, but I ended up babysitting for a friend today, which was delightful, but chasing and playing with a 1 year old baby all afternoon made me very tired, so when my husband suggested ordering pizza I only had to think about it for negative .03 seconds. I think I said, "Okay," before he even got the suggestion out of his mouth.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat light and drink lots of water and hop right back into my healthier groove.  I think I might wait until the day after tomorrow to check the scale, though.  I'm feeling sore afeared.