Finding The Track and Getting Back

It's time for me to wake up and become a major player in my life again.  I've been disengaged the last couple of months, but I'm ready to stop thinking about the things I could do to feel happier, healthier, and more present and start doing them.  I had a wake-up call regarding my health recently.  I'm fine, I think, still probably need a trip to the doctor, but a wake up call was needed, and I'm working proactively to live as well as I can.

I installed an app on my phone called, "Lift," to help me track my goals.  I've only started with a few, aiming to get a daily yoga practice happening five days a week, fifteen minutes of tackling problem areas in my house each day, and clean eating five days a week.  Oh!  And I added a goal to actually check in with my calendar and to do list each morning.

I did my yoga this morning, and I'll admit that the main reason I did it was so I could check it off in the app -- it would be a shame to fail on the first day --

but I did it.

Positive Checklist

Some positive things I've done for my health and happiness lately:

• Cooking and eating more whole foods and less processed junk which has helped me narrow down some sensitivities, especially mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, and MSG all containing soy.   Because I've been feeling better eating real food I really notice it when one of those things sneak in, like they did during Thanksgiving dinner.
• Walking a few times a week.
• Bought a new mattress in the quest for better sleep.  I think the mattress is better than what we had, but it hasn't eliminated my sore back and waking up feeling very stiff and sore.  That was a disappointment, and I'm not sure if I should keep trying mattresses or accept the fact that, at this weight, I'm always sore and stiff.
• Ordered progesterone and am really hoping it makes a difference.  I'll let you know!
• Started taking vitamin D.  It's that time of year.
• Reaching out to friends a little bit more.
• Counting my blessings a little bit more.
• Giving myself props for positive action, as in this list.
• Making space for healing by filtering out some of the "noise" that has been distracting and irritating me.  More specifically, taking a break from Facebook.  I've been feeling very sensitive this Fall, and I needed to put some filters up to keep from taking in energy that works against me. 
• Getting dressed, including putting on shoes in the morning.
• Saying, "No," when I need to.
• Saying, "Yes," when it is good for me to do so. (Like accepting social invitations and offers of help.)
• Working on kind and compassionate self-talk.

I just needed to remind myself that a lot of positive action is taking place.

Feeling It Today

Unlike yesterday's great walk, today's walk kicked my butt!  I walked excruciatingly slow, was out of breath, and my hip flexors were screaming.  I guess after pushing myself to go faster and further yesterday I was still recovering today.

Instead of feeling discouraged by it, though, I actually took it as a sign that some muscle strengthening happened yesterday, and I feel encouraged.  I look forward to the day when my current walk is a breeze and I need to walk longer distances and find steeper hills to challenge myself.

The decision to hold myself to the one, and only one, expectation of getting dressed in the morning has worked out very well for me this week.  It's so much easier to face going out for a walk when I'm already dressed with shoes on than it is when I'm sitting comfy in my p.j.'s, fuzzy slippers, and cozy bathrobe.  I've found the usual house cleaning and dinner making easier to do this week too.

Tomorrow I'm making sweet potato casserole and a chocolate trifle to take to my sister's for Thanksgiving.  So, I guess for me, unlike those who will be cooking a great big meal, it will be a day of rest.

Feeling Accomplished

I took another walk with my daughter today, and for the first time in a long time I actually felt like maybe I was getting stronger.  We walked faster and further than we normally do, and I marched up one of our hills more easily than the day before.  It seems that maybe some of those small changes have been making a difference which provides much needed encouragement.

Standing in My Power

Feeling empowered after a nice tarot reading last night, I got dressed this morning and made a healthy smoothie for breakfast.  After breakfast my oldest daughter and I took a walk.    

I have a standing, monthly lunch date with my mom, mother-in-law, and a few other relatives.  We met last Friday and my husband's cousin's wife came for the first time with her daughter.  I'll call her, "Lucy."  When I heard Lucy was going to be there I almost stayed home because a few months ago she made a comment about my weight, and I've been avoiding her ever since then. 

I decided, though, that part of loving and accepting myself is not caring about what people think of me and not letting their thoughtlessness be a reason to imprison myself, so I went to lunch. I was gracious and kind despite the fact that Lucy made a point of talking about nutrition and the small size of her portions as if she were "helping" me by being an example of discipline and righteous eating. 

I would, however, love to be thinner next time we all get together because I feel so vulnerable at this weight, and Lucy let us know that she'll be attending future lunch dates.

I suppose seeing Lucy is why I have been thinking a lot about my weight again, and I why I, for the hundredth time, asked the tarot cards if I could expect success in losing some this time around, but I don't want to lose weight to impress Lucy and people like her.  I want to feel my power and strength in the face of critics like Lucy no matter what I weigh, and I had the perfect opportunity to start practicing during my lunch date.  Maybe that is where this new empowered feeling is coming from.

Still Walking

I've walked every day this week except yesterday.  I was having a really heavy period day, heavier than I've ever had, in fact, and I just needed to take it easy.  I almost spent a few minutes feeling bad about myself because I had been going for a streak, and my streak only lasted three days before I needed to take a day off.  Instead, I decided that in this case a day off was a loving thing to do for myself not a failure, and that I could continue to love myself by getting right back to walking instead of giving up, which I did today.

In other news, I measured my waistline yesterday and it was 2 inches smaller than it was 2 weeks ago.  I'm not getting too excited about that because I could have had an extra bloated day when I first measured or it could just be that I bled my guts out yesterday and the night before.  Still, it's a whole lot better than measuring myself and finding that I had gained 2 inches!

Also, I ordered a new mattress today.  I'm hoping it is as wonderful as the reviews I've read and that I will experience improved sleep and that improved sleep will result in more energy and greater success as far as my weight loss goals are concerned.  I could be pinning a bit too much hope to this new mattress, but that is what I am hoping.  Delivery will be in 2-4 weeks.  I can't wait!

That's all!

Walking Again!

I wouldn't have noticed that my azalea bush was blooming for a 2nd time this year if I hadn't gone for a walk yesterday.

I just got back from a walk with my nineteen year old daughter.  We've made a commitment to start walking together every day.  Today was day two. 

My daughter wants to get moving because she had a very interesting experience this Summer.  Without even trying she became thin.  She's never been fat, but had a little muffin top that made her feel self-conscious.  Now it's gone.  The only difference was that we put up a 19x48 above ground pool, and she was out in it every sunny day, so she wants to keep getting some exercise so the muffin top doesn't return.

We're hoping to build a nice exercise streak and see some positive changes like improved sleep and more energy.  On the days that the weather is not cooperating we plan to play Walk it Out, a silly little video game that does manage to at least create some movement.  Right now, the weather is definitely cooperating, though, which helps motivate me to get out there, and I feel good about myself for doing it, so Yay me!

Easy or Not?

I did some morning sun salutes today to get the ball rolling on some physical activity again.  I love myself, and I'm learning to accept my appearance as lovely, but I do not like the way I feel physically.  I do not like the way I have trouble sleeping most nights.  I do not like waking up feeling stiff and sore.  I do not like the way I lose my breath just from showering and getting dressed quickly.

There is just no way around it.  I cannot be healthy and physically fit if I sit on my butt all day.

I did a Google search looking for affirmations that would help me enjoy exercise and found some nice ones at DrStandley.com, but I also realized why I resist the whole affirmation thing.  I read things like this: 

Remember to write or say any of the below listed affirmations at least 40X daily for 40 days. It takes 40 days to impress upon the unconscious "reacting" mind all that you desire and dream.

And this:

If you get side-tracked and miss a day then go back to Day 1 and start over.

And POOF!  Away goes that belief I've been embracing that changing a thought or pattern is, "easy."

Anyway, I'm going to forget I read that whole "40 times a day for 40 days," and "if you miss a day go back to day one," bullshit and keep saying to myself that I choose to believe changing a thought or a pattern is easy, and I'm going to work on adding a few nice things about exercise to my inner dialogue too. 

Maybe it does take 40 days of constantly saying something to turn it into an actual belief, but if that's the case, I'm not going to put myself through it.  I'm not going to give myself another reason to feel like a failure and like I can't follow through on something.  The TRUTH is, I have completed and followed through on many things.  There are times I have changed a thought or a pattern easily.  Or maybe it wasn't easy so much as something I was so invested in that the work didn't seem like a burden. 

It's time to be passionately invested in myself.

(That felt selfish and wrong to say.  I'll work on rewiring that thought too.)




 

An Extraordinary Ordinary Day

I had a productive day.  Today was the first day of testing week for my two remaining homeschoolers.  (Two of my kids are done homeschooling and are in college, which actually looks a lot like homeschooling.  They do a lot of teaching themselves.)  So, we sat out on the deck with No. 2 pencils, test booklets and answer sheets and began the hoop-jumping for the state testing.

Testing on the deck was nice and relaxing until we were interrupted by a momma raccoon and her baby.  The baby got stuck on the other side of the fence somehow and started screaming while the momma chattered loudly.  It was a horrible and upsetting sound, and there wasn't anything I could do about it except shuffle everyone inside to safety where we finished testing for the day.  Eventually the screaming stopped, and I got brave enough to go outside with a broom to see if the raccoons were still there.  They weren't.  I hope the baby is okay.  I also hope it doesn't decide to get too comfy in my backyard.

I made a delicious dinner but ate a tiny bit too much and felt really bloated.

Calico Beans and Creamy Cucumber Salad

I remedied that by taking a walk with my girls.  It was my idea and everything!  I'm not sure where that wild hair came from, but it was nice walking at sunset.

When we got home our neighbor was in our driveway trying to catch his cat which was obviously badly injured.  He was backing out of the garage and the cat was lying there and he felt a sickening thud.  We're thinking good thoughts for the poor cat.  This was not a good day for animals around here.

Then I sat on the deck and relaxed while the sun disappeared completely.  The kids and I put the cover on the pool and picked up the backyard, and here I sit feeling good about the day.  It doesn't seem like much when I write it all out.  There was the usual dishes and laundry, but that's all.  Still, it's a lot more activity than I've been used to since last Fall.  A good day, overall.

New Pool

I didn't eat all day, not one bite until 8:00 pm, and I worked all day.  Who knew I had it in me?  Well, I thought I might have a heart attack at one point when I was so out of breath, but I lived.

My mom called me this morning mentioning the hot weather that's coming up, and she said, "I thought I'd buy you all a pool."

So, we all got out the door, went shopping, came home and set it up, and started filling it, at which time we discovered what I thought was flat ground had a nice slope.  So, we drained the pool, which took the rest of the day, and took the pool down.

I can't imagine what our neighbors think.  It looked like a circus over here.

We did all of this in 80 degree full sun, which compared to Texas, is not hot, I know, but for us it's HOT.  (My sister called us all wimps for sweating in 80 degrees.  We were not complaining, mind you, but apparently the mere act of sweating is enough to qualify us as wimps in the eyes of some Texans.)

It wasn't until all of that was done that I realized I'd walked out the door without eating breakfast and hadn't stopped for anything to eat all day.  I didn't even really feel that hungry.  I'll call it a day of fasting. 

Tomorrow we are moving the pool back a few inches and crossing our fingers that the ground will be flat enough.  If not, we'll have to look at doing something to level it. 

That was my day.  I hope it counts for something good.  If we have a pool to splash in this Summer, I'll call it good.

Another Weekend, Another Bump in the Road

Well, once again my weekend indulgences have shown up on the scale.  BUT the jump up on the scale was a half pound less than last week's jump up.  SO, overall, I'm down a half pound, sorta, in a way.  I do need to approach weekends differently than I have been, and that's not new for me.  Weekends have been a problem for me for years.  I break my sleep schedule, I overeat, and I drink on weekends.  I basically undo all of the good things I've done for my body during the week.

Wait.  I just caught myself in a negative thought process that isn't helping.  I don't undo every good thing I've done.  I don't think that's true.  I do disrupt some of the systems I've begun to put into place, though, and until I get those systems firmly embedded into my life, it's not helpful to take such a drastic departure from them.

Or maybe I'm being altogether too hard on myself.  My period is due any second now.  That could easily account for the weight gain.  How about this?  I will count the overeating I did this weekend, and there was one night of out of control eating, as a learning experience.  Next time I'm in the same situation, which I certainly will be, I will handle it differently.  I already have a plan.

That said, I'm trying to gear myself up to start an exercise program.  I need something more than 5 minutes of yoga in the morning.  The yoga is very helpful.  It gets my blood circulating and deepens my breathing, which really wakes me up.  I'm also noticing better flexibility and less pain in my feet in the morning.  (My plantar fasciitis is back, resolved previously with daily walking and stretching.) I think it's time to add something more, though.

Three times last week, from three different sources, I got the message that exercise is daily medicine, not just a means of losing weight. (This article was one of the places the message appeared.) Exercise is a way of improving my mood and reducing stress, something that is as necessary to my well being as a pill that a doctor may prescribe for a medical condition. 

Instead of thinking of it as something I need to do every day so that I can achieve the desired result of being a certain weight somewhere in the distant future, I'm going to shift my thinking.  I will think of it as something that provides an immediate benefit.  It immediately improves my mood and my self esteem.  There are immediate and cumulative physical benefits, but the mental benefits are just as important.

I feed myself everyday.  I sleep everyday.  And now I resolve to move more everyday in an intentional way.  That's the best promise I can make myself.  I can't lock myself into a certain number of minutes or a certain type of activity, but I can promise to think about exercise differently and intentionally add more of it to each day.

Inspiring!

This lady is such an inspiration to me.  She is 76, and began her journey to becoming a bodybuilder at the age of 71.  It just proves that it really is never too late to get fit, and that being 45 is no obstacle for me.