A Quickie

No time to write.  I'm headed out the door for dinner and drinks with some girlfriends, but I didn't want to forget my challenge, so I'm posting a hasty selfie, and now I'm off!

Here and Happy

This is another week where I haven't really lost any weight, but it was a stressful week, and I'll admit that I did eat a few things that I knew would likely stall my progress.  That's okay!  These weeks will happen, and if this is going to be a permanent healthy change I need to allow for those kinds of weeks.  I'm feeling good, and I'm still loving myself no matter what shape I am, so the weight is really a secondary concern anyway.

So, because I love myself and accept myself unconditionally, I'm posting a progress picture, even though I'm only down a few pounds since I posted the last picture.

243.6 lbs

My Clothes Are Getting Bigger

I am feeling great!  I just wanted to put that out there.  I'll elaborate.

I just finished my Intro to Yoga series, and it was really good for me.  There were physical benefits, but the emotional and mental benefits might eclipse the physical ones.  The teacher of the class was great, and I learned even more to accept the body that I have right now.  She really emphasized not comparing ourselves to others and how different and wonderful all of our bodies are.  It was also really important for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new.  I used to do that all the time, but somehow forgot I was that kind of woman.

I'm going to take another intro series because my daughter wants to take it too, and she wanted someone to go with her.  I'm thrilled that she'll be joining me.  The class doesn't start until the 5th of next month, so I'm thinking of catching a couple of the regular gentle classes next week.

This is week two of my new eating plan, and I love it!  I've discovered new recipes, and I've discovered I need a lot less bread and pasta to be happy than I thought I needed.  I'm still losing weight, although not as quickly as I did in week one.  My husband is also losing weight, and it's really nice to have someone in the house who is eating the same meals as I am.  Last night we had jalapeño bites.  The jalapeños are stuffed with cream cheese, feta or goat cheese, parmesan cheese, tomatoes and cilantro.  I used salsa because I didn't have tomatoes and cilantro on hand.  Then you wrap them in bacon and bake at 375 degrees for about 25 minutes.

In other news, today before going out shopping when I got dressed I noticed the shirt I put on felt a lot bigger on me than it had the last time I wore it.  That was a nice surprise!  It was the same shirt I wore for a picture I posted a few months ago, so I made a side by side comparison.  Now, I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think most of what I have lost has been around the middle, so you can definitely see the difference, or at least, I can.  I can feel the difference too, and that is a nice feeling.

August 2013                                                                               February 2014

You can't see my waistline in the second picture because the shirt hangs down and hides it instead of hugging my hips like in the first, but it's in there!

Pretty Toes

I went and got a pedicure today for the first time in at least two years.  I was afraid to go to the place I used to go, because I thought the ladies there would talk about how fat I had gotten.  Maybe that's silly, but you know, I always wonder what they are saying when they talk in Vietnamese and then giggle.  I was also afraid I'd be the fattest woman there.  I was sure a bunch of skinny, young girls would be there getting their toes done for the weekend.

I was wrong.  I wasn't the fattest lady there, and I wasn't the oldest, and none of the ladies that worked there two years ago were even there.  Besides, what if I had been right?  So, what? It's funny (not funny, ha ha, but funny, odd) how I create scenarios in my head that keep me from doing the things I'd like to do, scenarios that paint myself as some distorted, ugly version of the truth.  Maybe I'm trying to hurt myself before anyone else can do it to me, but the thing is, rarely does anyone ever hurt me in the way I fear they will.

Anyway, I have pretty toes today.

Going Out!

I'm breaking one of those barriers tonight and going out to meet some friends.  I'm going to break another one and post a picture of myself that is not just a headless body.  In this picture I'm wearing more flattering clothes too.  You know, clothes that don't stretch and show every bump and dimple.  It's a pretty subdued and boring outfit for a night out, but I didn't feel like dressing up.  I'm saving that for that wedding we're attending next weekend.

That gunk is on the mirror, not my shirt.  I guess I'll wipe down the mirror

. :-P

And now I'm running late!  See ya later!

Fresh Start!

I've been doing a fair job of keeping up with my first couple of goals that I set for myself.  I have had a morning smoothie,...most days,...and I've made dinner out of real food for myself and my family,...most days.  There has been some pizza and potato chips, but it has never been my goal to cut anything I enjoy out of my life entirely, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I finally got around to trying sun salutations today.  I just found a quick little video on Youtube and gave it a go.  I felt a bit like a beached whale trying to move from pose to pose, but it is my goal to memorize and practice these few poses each morning until I master them.

Also, I had a moment of bravery today and hopped on the scale.  Ack!  I weigh 5 pounds more than my all time high, but it's 5 or 10 pounds less than I had feared, so overall it's good news for me today.  I'm glad I finally faced that monster (the number on the scale) that has been lurking and keeping me scared. 

I'm trying really hard not to hate myself for gaining back all of the weight, plus 5 pounds more, that I had previously lost.  Water under the bridge, right?  No use crying over spilled milk, and all that rot, yeah? Yeah! Okay, 30 second pity party over.

In honor of my new goal and having a number to measure my progress I'm posting a new "before" picture:

 

 

It feels more official and less wishy-washy now that I've posted actual stats.  While weight loss isn't my only goal, being overweight is one of the biggest factors keeping me from living joyfully and healthfully, which is my ultimate goal.

A couple of weeks ago my aunt posted a picture of me at a family barbeque on Facebook.  I was horrified when I saw the picture.  Now everyone is going to know I'm fat! I thought.  As if a picture somehow opens everyone's eyes to what I am.  It opened my eyes.  I go around with a much thinner image of myself in my head until I see a picture of myself or really look in the mirror, and then I think that, possibly, I distort that image and make it large and grotesque. 

I asked my aunt to take the picture down.  She complied, which relieved a lot of stress for me, but before she took it down I was curled up in bed in the fetal position, obsessing over the fact that a fat picture of me was on the internet.  I decided to try to practice a little kind self talk, and I imagined another version of myself stroking my hair and saying, "There, there,...I love you."  A tear formed in the corner of one of my eyes, and then the self-loving version of myself said, "You are precious."

At those words something inside me screamed, "The woman in that picture is NOT precious," and I started bawling.  There it was.  That deeply held, but never consciously acknowledged belief that the way I look determines whether or not I deserve love.  It determines my worth as a person.  I didn't think I believed that, but I can't deny it any longer.  I don't know how to fix that belief.  It's just there in a spot I can't reach.

I can't show you the picture because I didn't save it, and my aunt has removed it from the internet.  I don't want to ask her to send it to me, although I could.  I did tell her how I was struggling with my appearance.  She would understand perfectly if I told her I wanted to hold onto the picture as a way of accepting myself.  I took another picture of myself today, though, so I can put it on the internet, which is stressing me the hell out, but it seems like a first step in accepting and loving myself.

I'm posting this, not only as an act of acceptance, but as an act of faith in myself.  I'm going to need a before picture, right?

Oh!  And later in the evening, sometime after my meltdown over calling myself precious, someone posted the following on Facebook:

 It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don't really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up silent with our chests rising & falling with our own rhythm. We don't see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see yourself looking at someone with love and care in your heart. There's no mirror in your way when your laughing and smiling and pure happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly your authentic self. 

 Somehow I was able to accept this as absolutely true about myself.  There is so much more to a person than could ever be captured in a snapshot.  A picture can never show how beautiful I really am.