Ready for Change

Last night while I was lying awake in bed I was doing the math.  In the last two months, six people that I have known have died.  Two people that I know have had brain surgery, one of those is still in the hospital recovering, and she lost her son in a logging accident this week (one of the six and a former playmate of my own kids'). The other one who had brain surgery is the son of a friend of mine.  They will be meeting with an oncologist in a few days.  Another friend's husband is in the hospital recovering from the stroke he had the day after his quadruple bypass.  He's relearning how to walk and talk and eat and breathe. 

Of the six who died, three were due to heart ailments, one from breast cancer, and two from tragic accidents.  Three of them were my age, one was my son's age, and two were my dad's age.

This seems quite remarkable to me.  Has there been this much catastrophe in my circle of friends and acquaintances before, and I just haven't noticed?  I don't think so.  I think this is really odd, and it has me a bit shell-shocked.  I'm not wallowing, really I'm not, but I am experiencing some post traumatic stress.  I'm hyper-sensitive in my body.  Every twinge or pain catches my full attention and has me wondering if something serious is beginning.  I'm watching my husband and my kids more closely, and when I'm not being overly cautious and sensitive I'm numbing myself and trying to just not think by playing stupid games on the computer and sleeping as much as I can.

My mind has turned to spiritual things, to end of life things, to big weighty things, and I've been battling a lot of negative thinking.  I'm hoping and sensing that change is in the air.  The weather has improved, we have our pool set up and the deck cleaned off.  We'll be attending a couple of weddings in the next two months, and I'm looking forward to a big group camping trip with friends.  I don't know what purpose this season of painful change has served for all of us, but I sense it has served a purpose.  However, I'm ready for some lightness and joy, and I'm not going to take a moment of it for granted.

I'm Alive!

The month of April was emotionally intense and stressful.  Two friends died. Our dog needed two surgeries. My son needed dental work, and between the surgery and dental bills my husband and I were struggling a bit to figure out how to pay for it all without sinking into credit card debt.

The friend I mentioned the last time I wrote died a week and two days after I wrote.  I did get a chance to see him again before he passed away. He had a huge sendoff celebration starting with a motorcycle ride through town with a bunch of other bikers.  His daughter arranged for someone with a sidecar to ride with him, as it was his dying wish to ride one more time.

After the ride he gathered with friends and family at one of his favorite karaoke spots for one last night of singing and for a chance to say goodbye to those he loves.  My husband and I were there, sitting with his family.  It was,..emotional.  He sang Live Like You Were Dying, and I came undone.   After he died that song played over and over in my head.  It was there all night while I was trying to sleep, and in the morning it was still there, as insistent as it had been the previous day.  It occurred to me that perhaps this was a personal message from Jeff to me; to live like I was dying.

I spent the month of April trying to numb myself, as I do when I feel overwhelmed with stress or emotion, and the message I am taking away from Jeff's death is to plug-in, feel my emotions, and face the situations that cause me to shrink away with courage.  The message for me is to live.

The Lion King

I'm up .6 pounds this week.  That's probably because of the pizza I ate last night along with last weekends indulgences.  Doh!  I knew better, but I gave into temptation.  The pizza left me bloated just as I was getting dressed to go see The Lion King with my family.  I was still able to zip up those pants I found in my drawer, but they were quite a bit tighter, and I was kicking myself.

The show was wonderful!  It was a thrill to experience a big show like that through my kids' eyes.  They loved it too, and were exhilarated afterwards, chatting on the way home about their favorite parts of the show.  The costumes were amazing.  Hands down, they stole the show.

Now today it's back to real life; a house to clean, groceries to buy, and once again, outlawing pizza from my diet.

Beautiful and Fiery

This is the fire opal ring that my husband gave to me for our 25th anniversary.  It's extra special to me because it belonged to his mum, and she gave it to him to give to me.  It reminds me that I am loved dearly by my in-laws, and that warms my heart.

Opal is also my birthstone, and I love this ring.

Two on Friday

I waited till the end of the day yesterday to remember to look for something beautiful to appreciate.  It was a busy day, and besides that, I was preoccupied with a few worries.  We took my daughter out for dinner for her twentieth birthday last night, and then bought here a cute bicycle she's been wanting.  It's not built for serious riding, but it's fun, and it caught her eye, and she wanted it, so we were happy to buy it.  She's trying to hold onto her child-like wonder for as long as she can, I think, and that is something to celebrate.

When we left the store I looked up and saw these gorgeous clouds.  The picture doesn't do them justice, but the beautiful sunset is a reminder to me that longer sunny days are on their way.

And now this morning, my daughter is all set to go out and take a leisurely ride around the neighborhood on her bike.  The song, Bicycle Built for Two is running through my head, even though it isn't relevant at all.  It's the only bicycle song I know!

It needs a basket up front and a bell and some tassels on the handlebars!

And look at what a gorgeous sunny day we're having!

Also, it's Friday, and I hopped on the scale.  I weigh 236.6.  That's a loss of 1.2 pounds for the week.  I think it would have been more if we hadn't gone out for Thai food and had birthday cake last night, (I weighed 235 the day before.) but I'm happy to forget about numbers on a scale and enjoy a celebratory meal and dessert once in a while.

I have something else really cool to report.  There is leftover birthday cake today, and I decided to have a slice with my coffee this morning because, you know, we don't have cake in the house often these days, and we don't have any more birthdays coming up for quite awhile, and well, because it is my favorite kind of cake...

I had two bites and found that I really wasn't as happy with it as I thought I'd be.  It's dense, and sweet, and full of white flour, and I think I've developed a taste for healthier foods, so it wasn't that great.  I pushed the plate away and didn't finish it, and I have no desire for any more cake for a while.

Another Quickie

My phone works!  I let it dry out for a day and fired it up today, so I'm able to post a picture.  This is from my oldest daughter's room.  It's full of little things she loves, and because she loves it and because it is in her bedroom, it makes me smile to look at it.

Romantic? Maybe. In a Way.

I have no picture to post today because I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, so I'll just write about something beautiful instead...

Today is not only St. Patrick's Day, it is also the thirtieth anniversary of my husband's and my first date and kiss.  I was sixteen and a junior in high school.  He was eighteen and a senior.  We were both cast in the school play, "Arsenic and Old Lace," and when the production ended we both attended a cast party.  I had had a crush on him since the moment I saw him at auditions for the play, and I saw the cast party as my last chance to get him to notice me too.

I tried and tried to flirt.  At sixteen I was not so experienced at this.  Then later during the party everyone went downstairs and we were all dancing.  The lights were low.  Michael Jackson's Thriller album was playing on the stereo, and I knew that the next song up would be a "slow dance" song, so I positioned myself in the room just so my future husband would have no choice but to ask me to dance.

My scheme worked.  We dance, not just to that one song, but for the rest of the night.  He wouldn't let anyone else ask me for a dance.  We didn't kiss that night.  Before he left he hugged me and said, "Give me a call."

I said, "Why can't you call me?"

He said, "Because I lost the piece of paper with the cast phone numbers on it."

I was really scared that I was getting the brush off, but I called him the next day, asked him out on a date, and he accepted.  My best girlfriend chauffeured for us, and we cruised the loop downtown and went out for ice cream.  When we dropped him off at his house I walked him to the door and stood there with a stupid grin on my face until he had no choice but to say, "Aw, give me a kiss."

And that was that.  He was mine forever.

And I had just finished composing and sending him a lovely Happy Anniversary card to send via text message when I dropped my phone in the toilet.  Yes, I was sending a romantic message from the throne.  Fitting for thirty years, no?  The ONLY good thing about dropping my phone in the toilet is I did it AFTER flushing.