A Very Long Response

This was a reply to a comment to my last post from MM, but it got to be so long that I just decided to make a post out of it...

Thanks MM.  It is always a relief when someone really gets what I'm experiencing.   I am looking for a DO, and fortunately, our insurance does also cover naturopaths.  Our family doctor is really good in that he doesn't make me feel anxious, and he does understand that a lot of my health issues are anxiety related.  I understand that too, which is really half the battle, but sometimes I am asking myself, what is causing me to be so anxious?

I think there are often real physical things going on that create that brain chemistry and hormone soup.  That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of, and my doctor tends to pat my hand and say, "Just take an antidepressant; it's easier than trying to do the hard work of changing your lifestyle and diet when you're already depressed."  He also doesn't have the time to sort it all out with me. 

That's okay.  I've become a pretty amazing doctor of my own self.  I've also appreciated my doctor for recognizing that.  I usually go in and tell him what my problem is and what I want his help with and he'll do it.  For some reason, though.  I am really nervous about taking that step.  I think I've figured out the whys of that also.

Last time I saw my doctor it lead to a very scary series of events.  The possibility of cancer existed, and I was facing a procedure under anesthesia, which is something I've never done and terrifies me.  I managed to dodge that bullet because things worked themselves out before the date of the hysteroscomy arrived. I had developed a very thick lining in my uterus - over an inch thick!  I attribute that development to my dermatologist who insisted a shot of cortisone would make me so happy and change my life.  That shot did clear up my severe eczema very nicely, but I started bleeding a couple of weeks after that and didn't stop for a month. 

I went into a deep depression and period of severe anxiety after that.  I took both an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication.  My sleep became so disturbed and messed up even with the drugs or maybe because of them. 

I came out of all of that feeling fine and well, but I haven't seen a doctor since.  Which leaves me where I am now: experiencing uncharactaristic indigestion and bloating over the last year, which I think is probably a perimenopausal symptom.  I should see a doctor to rule out other things, which would relieve a lot of the anxiety I have about it all.  A really good doctor might even be able to help me balance the hormones which I suspect are creating the extra anxiety and related symptoms.

I'm still sitting on all of that. For now.

Magnesium: Good and Bad News

A friend of mine who has been experiencing some of the same symptoms I have lately (insomnia, fatigue, heart palpitations, occasional shortness of breath, weight gain, worsening periods and PMS) went to see her naturopath this week.  The naturopath did some blood tests, but prescribed a few supplements to address the symptoms in the meantime.  One of the things she prescribed was magnesium, which reminded me that I had some magnesium citrate in my cupboard that I bought a couple of years ago but wasn't taking for some reason.

I took the magnesium last night an hour or so before my bedtime, and it did make me appropriately sleepy around 11:00 pm.  It also caused me to feel short of breath for five hours.  That must be why I didn't continue taking it.  I do seem to remember having a problem with it before now.  However, around 2:00 am my breathing became more normal and I went to bed and fell asleep easily and slept very deeply, which is unusual for me, even on a good night.

Young Woman Sleeping - François Boucher

I'm going to try a different form of magnesium, and maybe try an epsom salt bath before bed (which I've done regularly before) if supplements continue to give me problems.  I read a Q and A about magnesium where a registered nurse said that she very occasionally sees people who are apparently so deficient in magnesium that it seems to affect them in exactly the opposite way as the desired result, and she suggests they start with smaller doses early in the day and work up to more gradually until they find the highest dose that doesn't cause problems.

I do think the magnesium can help, so I'm going to get a different form of it today. (The bottle in my cupboard expired in April anyway, Ha!) It's the first thing that has had at least some promise of helping in a long time.  Hey, I got about seven hours of good sleep last night, so the shortness of breath was worth it, but I wouldn't want to do that every night.

Sleepy

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I found myself sliding back into that lazy, sitting around all day, and not getting dress pattern that I was experiencing before.  I had a really good week before that, but probably let the bad news from the scale get to me a bit.  The fact that my husband was home for 5 days also sitting around and doing nothing helped me justify sitting around myself.  Now I'm trying to get back into the nice groove I found two weeks ago, but I'm struggling a bit.

For two nights in a row now I have not been able to fall asleep until after 4:00 am, which as you might suspect, leaves me feeling really tired and foggy the entire next day.  I took a walk yesterday and know I should do the same today, but damn.  I'm tired.

The progesterone cream doesn't seem to be making any difference.  After reading other women's experiences with using it I was hopeful that I would sleep better, not worse, and that I would experience more energy during the day.

I'm not giving up, though.  I have a healthy homemade soup on the stove
for me to eat for lunch for the rest of the week.  I'm going to keep trying to make better diet choices.  I'm going to get a little bit of exercise in today, and I'm going to hope for a better night's sleep tonight.

Positive Checklist

Some positive things I've done for my health and happiness lately:

• Cooking and eating more whole foods and less processed junk which has helped me narrow down some sensitivities, especially mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, and MSG all containing soy.   Because I've been feeling better eating real food I really notice it when one of those things sneak in, like they did during Thanksgiving dinner.
• Walking a few times a week.
• Bought a new mattress in the quest for better sleep.  I think the mattress is better than what we had, but it hasn't eliminated my sore back and waking up feeling very stiff and sore.  That was a disappointment, and I'm not sure if I should keep trying mattresses or accept the fact that, at this weight, I'm always sore and stiff.
• Ordered progesterone and am really hoping it makes a difference.  I'll let you know!
• Started taking vitamin D.  It's that time of year.
• Reaching out to friends a little bit more.
• Counting my blessings a little bit more.
• Giving myself props for positive action, as in this list.
• Making space for healing by filtering out some of the "noise" that has been distracting and irritating me.  More specifically, taking a break from Facebook.  I've been feeling very sensitive this Fall, and I needed to put some filters up to keep from taking in energy that works against me. 
• Getting dressed, including putting on shoes in the morning.
• Saying, "No," when I need to.
• Saying, "Yes," when it is good for me to do so. (Like accepting social invitations and offers of help.)
• Working on kind and compassionate self-talk.

I just needed to remind myself that a lot of positive action is taking place.

Still Walking

I've walked every day this week except yesterday.  I was having a really heavy period day, heavier than I've ever had, in fact, and I just needed to take it easy.  I almost spent a few minutes feeling bad about myself because I had been going for a streak, and my streak only lasted three days before I needed to take a day off.  Instead, I decided that in this case a day off was a loving thing to do for myself not a failure, and that I could continue to love myself by getting right back to walking instead of giving up, which I did today.

In other news, I measured my waistline yesterday and it was 2 inches smaller than it was 2 weeks ago.  I'm not getting too excited about that because I could have had an extra bloated day when I first measured or it could just be that I bled my guts out yesterday and the night before.  Still, it's a whole lot better than measuring myself and finding that I had gained 2 inches!

Also, I ordered a new mattress today.  I'm hoping it is as wonderful as the reviews I've read and that I will experience improved sleep and that improved sleep will result in more energy and greater success as far as my weight loss goals are concerned.  I could be pinning a bit too much hope to this new mattress, but that is what I am hoping.  Delivery will be in 2-4 weeks.  I can't wait!

That's all!

Slowly Moving in the Right Direction

I weighed 4 lbs. less this morning than I did yesterday morning.  Ah! The magic of menstruation!  That makes 3 lbs. lost in 2 weeks. 

Instead of just one round of sun salutations this morning, I did three.  I'm still not very fluid with my movement, and some of the poses are awkward, I think, because my body is simply too bulky to accomplish them nicely.  I'm getting better, though. 

I almost took a walk today.

I didn't sleep very well last night.  What is it about my body?  As soon as it gets horizontal and my eyes close my brain switches into high gear.  I itched like crazy last night too.  I don't know what time I fell asleep, but I didn't get out of bed until almost noon.  More menstruation magic. I never sleep well the night before my period starts or the first couple of days after.

I close with a little surprise from my garden.

 

I have a pepper!  I didn't know jalapeños could grow in my climate, so this made me very excited today.

For almost two months now nothing but elastic waistbands have touched these hips and this waist of mine.  The last time I wore a pair of jeans was on April 16th when I met a couple of girlfriends for dinner.  I remember that night well.  I grabbed my fat jeans, which, come to think of it, have elastic in the waistband.  I put them on only to discover they were too tight, despite the elastic that was stretched to the breaking point. Do you know how depressing that is?  I wore them anyway because I didn't have anything else that was suitable for a night out.

As soon as we finished dinner I ducked out.  I couldn't wait to get home and out of those torturous jeans and back into my friendly pajamas.  When I got home and took the jeans off I saw that  they had left angry red imprints all around my middle.  It hurt, inside and out.

The most comfortable jean?  Not when they are two sizes TOO small. 

Well, today I decided to try them on again.  It was really scarey because I've been feeling vulnerable, but I had a good night's sleep last night (Halleluia! Asleep around 1:00 am and up at 10:30 am.) so I wondered if maybe I was making tangible progress anywhere else.  I put on the jeans and they fit comfortably.  Now, I'm tempted to think that it could just be that I'm in the right place in my monthly cycle to try on jeans, but I do think maybe I've lost a half inch or so around the middle, just enough to make the jeans wearable again.

Anyway,...yay! :-)

Ugh.  Another night has passed with no sleeping.  I fell asleep somewhere around 5:00 this morning.  Even then I didn't sleep well.  Maybe this will tell you what kind of sleeper I am.  I need to go out and buy new sheets because I have rubbed two holes in them; one where my foot digs in and one where my elbow digs in when I roll over, which is probably a hundred times a night.

I did a sleep study once.  I didn't sleep.  I told the doctor I wouldn't sleep because I know I never sleep the first night in a new place.  Anyway, in the morning, I learned from the technician in charge of me for the evening that the staff made fun of me all night.  She had to make a note on my chart every time I moved, and I guess she didn't get much time to rest during the evening either.

Sleeping pills do not work for me.  I've tried every kind, prescription, over the counter, natural remedies, you name it.  There was one thing my doctor prescribed that worked really well until all of a sudden it started causing me to have upsetting jerky muscle spasms.

Wine works. I'm trying not to drink wine so much though because it also helps make me fat.  Besides, when I drink wine every night I need to drink more and more to actually sleep.  I wake up hating myself.  Wine is not a good sleep medication.

You might think that after enough nights of not sleeping eventually I will start sleeping again if I just keep getting up at my regular time.  Not necessarily.  I went through a period of not sleeping once, and I made myself get up every morning and not take naps.  I was sure that my body would get into a rhythm, and I would sleep again at night.  It didn't happen, and my mental health deteriorated badly.  I had, what I guess would be called in the old days, a nervous breakdown.  I ended up on anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants, and I started seeing a therapist.  I've learned that when I go through a period of insomnia, I need to catch sleep whenever I can, even if it is in the middle of the day.

My skin is also broken out right now.  I've had eczema my whole life, been to countless doctors, tried countless therapies, both medical and natural, and I've never found a cure for myself.  I've had long stretches where its gone into remission, and I've had extremely bad flares.  Right now it's just annoying.

I'm not complaining or whining, just documenting what I'm experiencing right now because these are a couple of health issues that have plagued me through the years and contribute to my depression. I'm wondering if healthy living would create a spontaneous healing of these issues. I hope to find out.