Shopping in my Closet

I'm having a busy and stressful week with lots needing to get done and a few concerns as well.

Our dog needs to have surgery.  She has infected teeth and gums, which is apparently not uncommon with smooshed-faced breeds, and she has a tumor on her leg.  I feel bad for her and worried, and of course, there is also the huge expense that comes with pet surgery.  I have worried kids too.  This comes at a time when we have several home-improvement projects and repairs needing to be done, and worrying about how to pay for everything is stressful.

There is good stuff too.  We're going to see The Lion King in a few days.  It's the first big show we've taken our kids too, so I'm really excited to see how they enjoy it, and it's a show I've been wanting to see too.  Realizing my daughters had nothing to wear to the theater, we made a day of shopping for outfits.  That was more stressful than enjoyable, but I think everyone got something they were happy with.

I didn't get myself anything to wear because I was worn out, so I figured I'd plan a day to shop by myself.  I put it off all weekend, and today I sit having the heaviest day of my period, really not wanting to go shop for clothes, knowing I need to do it. 

With the tiniest bit of hope in my heart, I went to see if I had anything in my dresser, and I found a brand new pair of black slacks.  The tag was still on them and everything!  I don't know why I never wore them, but when I looked at the size I saw they were two sizes smaller than what I've been wearing. 

I tried them on because what I've been wearing is actually very loose on me lately, and they fit!  Halle-freakin'-lujah!  Then I remembered my favorite blouse, the one that grew too small for me last year, hanging in the closet and I wondered if it would fit.  It did.  I'm so happy.  I don't have to spend money on a new outfit, and I don't have to run all over town trying on clothes.

And a couple pictures from the week so far:

We went to the park yesterday with our homeschool group, and the place was full of fragrant blossoms.

,...and the outfit that made me so happy this morning.

My Clothes Are Getting Bigger

I am feeling great!  I just wanted to put that out there.  I'll elaborate.

I just finished my Intro to Yoga series, and it was really good for me.  There were physical benefits, but the emotional and mental benefits might eclipse the physical ones.  The teacher of the class was great, and I learned even more to accept the body that I have right now.  She really emphasized not comparing ourselves to others and how different and wonderful all of our bodies are.  It was also really important for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new.  I used to do that all the time, but somehow forgot I was that kind of woman.

I'm going to take another intro series because my daughter wants to take it too, and she wanted someone to go with her.  I'm thrilled that she'll be joining me.  The class doesn't start until the 5th of next month, so I'm thinking of catching a couple of the regular gentle classes next week.

This is week two of my new eating plan, and I love it!  I've discovered new recipes, and I've discovered I need a lot less bread and pasta to be happy than I thought I needed.  I'm still losing weight, although not as quickly as I did in week one.  My husband is also losing weight, and it's really nice to have someone in the house who is eating the same meals as I am.  Last night we had jalapeño bites.  The jalapeños are stuffed with cream cheese, feta or goat cheese, parmesan cheese, tomatoes and cilantro.  I used salsa because I didn't have tomatoes and cilantro on hand.  Then you wrap them in bacon and bake at 375 degrees for about 25 minutes.

In other news, today before going out shopping when I got dressed I noticed the shirt I put on felt a lot bigger on me than it had the last time I wore it.  That was a nice surprise!  It was the same shirt I wore for a picture I posted a few months ago, so I made a side by side comparison.  Now, I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think most of what I have lost has been around the middle, so you can definitely see the difference, or at least, I can.  I can feel the difference too, and that is a nice feeling.

August 2013                                                                               February 2014

You can't see my waistline in the second picture because the shirt hangs down and hides it instead of hugging my hips like in the first, but it's in there!

One Week Later, Drumroll Please

I've just finished one week of my new eating plan, and I'm very happy with the results.  I'm not happy so much because I lost weight.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about that, but losing weight isn't that hard.  It's continuing to lose and not gain that is difficult.  This is the first time I've felt hopeful that I could continue to lose weight this way. 

There were two days a week where I craved carbohydrates in the evenings.  The rest of the week I was satisfied.  In fact, I ate better this week than I can remember ever eating.  The food was all made by me with real, whole ingredients, and everything was delicious, and even better, I didn't feel bloated and uncomfortable once all week.

Pizza made with a whole wheat pita, home-made Alfredo sauce, spinach, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, and crumbled bacon. Green salad with dressing made from olive oil, raw apple cider vinegar, raw honey, minced garlic, Himalayan sea salt, and cracked pepper.

This is an example of the types of meals I ate during the five days of the week where I ate around 125 carbohydrate grams a day or less.  Normally when I eat pizza, I would not have a salad with it, and I would eat a lot more of the pizza than this, but like I said earlier, this plan puts a fence around the carbohydrates for me, and I didn't miss the extra pizza.  I didn't miss feeling overstuffed, and I didn't miss the heartburn either. 

I like that I'm not counting calories.  I have no idea how many calories I ate each day.  I hate tracking every bite I take.  The only thing I did was become more aware of the bread, pasta, and sugar I was adding to my diet, and I chose higher fiber versions and smaller portions of those things.

Oh, so what was the result in numbers?  Well, I lost 6 lbs and 2.5 inches around my waist.  I weigh 251.4 lbs and my waist is 41 inches today.  If you're keeping track, that's only 1 pound lost since I started this blog because I had actually been gaining weight since I began writing. 

I'll tell you what else I've gained since I began writing.  I've gained greater compassion for and acceptance of myself exactly as I am.  My self-talk is much kinder.  My confidence - higher.   And hope.  I've gained hope.  I've gained the ability to dream again.

(Pretty syrupy and dramatic, huh?  Can't help it, it's the truth. lol)

Happily Hopeful

Yesterday I mentioned a new menu plan I was trying.  I'm only two days in, but I'm so happy with, not only the initial results, but with my ability to eat this way relatively easily that I decided to share even though I was going to wait for a week or two.

I picked up a new book by Jorge Cruise called, "Happy Hormones, Slim Belly."  The premise of the book, in a nutshell, is that women over 40 naturally crave more carbohydrates to help their bodies produce more serotonin as levels drop due to pre or peri-menopause.  So, although the carbs cause weight gain, you can't deny a woman over 40 those carbs because she needs them.  A catch 22.  So, Jorge, while sharing the science behind this idea, has developed a plan where one eats almost no carbs for two consecutive days of the week and adds carbohydrate calories back into the diet for the remaining five days of the week.  He calls it, "Carb cycling."

I've just finished my first two days of very low carb eating, and I've lost almost 5 pounds since Monday morning!  Now, I don't expect those results every week, and the book doesn't promise those kinds of results,  (The book does promise 7 pounds of weight loss the first week and 2 pounds a week after that.) but I am thrilled to be starting out so well.  Thrilled, not so much because of the weight lost, because I've lost that kind of weight before, but thrilled because the foods I'm eating on this plan are the exact same foods I was eating before.  The difference is, this plan sort of puts a fence around all those carbs that were a little out of control for me before.  This makes the plan sustainable for me.

I won't lie.  I did crave carbs on the two days that I didn't have them, especially in the evening, but knowing I could add them back into my diet in two days and for the bulk of the week kept me going.  I just grabbed another cheese stick or handful of macadamia nuts, sipped a tall glass of water and planned what I'd eat tomorrow.  Last night when I was craving carbs I dreamed of today's lunch, a dream that was realized today with joy. :-)

Egg Salad on half a whole wheat English muffin topped with a leaf of Romaine lettuce

Now I've Done It

I signed up for a yoga class.  I'm nervous, but I guess that's normal anytime one tries something new.  I'm afraid when I get to the class I'll be the biggest person there.  I'm afraid I'll be clumsy and awkward.  I'm afraid people will judge me, but those are worse case scenarios, and even if all of those things happen I'll be okay and better for having taken the risk.

The class is all paid for; now all I have to do is show up.  I still have eleven days before the first class of the session.  I'll use that time to shop for a new yoga outfit. Oh, and I'll get a pedicure too!  Now I'm excited.

Positive Checklist

Some positive things I've done for my health and happiness lately:

• Cooking and eating more whole foods and less processed junk which has helped me narrow down some sensitivities, especially mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, and MSG all containing soy.   Because I've been feeling better eating real food I really notice it when one of those things sneak in, like they did during Thanksgiving dinner.
• Walking a few times a week.
• Bought a new mattress in the quest for better sleep.  I think the mattress is better than what we had, but it hasn't eliminated my sore back and waking up feeling very stiff and sore.  That was a disappointment, and I'm not sure if I should keep trying mattresses or accept the fact that, at this weight, I'm always sore and stiff.
• Ordered progesterone and am really hoping it makes a difference.  I'll let you know!
• Started taking vitamin D.  It's that time of year.
• Reaching out to friends a little bit more.
• Counting my blessings a little bit more.
• Giving myself props for positive action, as in this list.
• Making space for healing by filtering out some of the "noise" that has been distracting and irritating me.  More specifically, taking a break from Facebook.  I've been feeling very sensitive this Fall, and I needed to put some filters up to keep from taking in energy that works against me. 
• Getting dressed, including putting on shoes in the morning.
• Saying, "No," when I need to.
• Saying, "Yes," when it is good for me to do so. (Like accepting social invitations and offers of help.)
• Working on kind and compassionate self-talk.

I just needed to remind myself that a lot of positive action is taking place.

Feeling Accomplished

I took another walk with my daughter today, and for the first time in a long time I actually felt like maybe I was getting stronger.  We walked faster and further than we normally do, and I marched up one of our hills more easily than the day before.  It seems that maybe some of those small changes have been making a difference which provides much needed encouragement.

Dressed and Fed

I got dressed today, as I promised myself I'd do.  I also managed to accomplish a few more things on my To-Do list.  It may sound like I'm aiming low, but honestly, I'm proud of myself for getting even one thing crossed off my list right now.

I made a batch of sugar cookie dough and will roll them out and bake them tomorrow.  Then I'll freeze them so they'll be ready for frosting closer to Christmas. 

I got a couple of loads of laundry done and made my bed.

I made a delicious, soul-feeding, stick to your ribs dinner.  No, it was not low fat or light or particularly healthy except for the fact that it was made with all real food (and that's healthy enough for me!).  I do find that we all eat less when I make a meal like this than when we have take-out or fast food.  It's like those calories, even though they are heavy on the fat side, are real fuel and not just fluff, so we don't keep eating and eating, trying to feed ourselves real fuel that's not there.

Tomorrow I'll get dressed in the morning again and go from there.

Still Walking

I've walked every day this week except yesterday.  I was having a really heavy period day, heavier than I've ever had, in fact, and I just needed to take it easy.  I almost spent a few minutes feeling bad about myself because I had been going for a streak, and my streak only lasted three days before I needed to take a day off.  Instead, I decided that in this case a day off was a loving thing to do for myself not a failure, and that I could continue to love myself by getting right back to walking instead of giving up, which I did today.

In other news, I measured my waistline yesterday and it was 2 inches smaller than it was 2 weeks ago.  I'm not getting too excited about that because I could have had an extra bloated day when I first measured or it could just be that I bled my guts out yesterday and the night before.  Still, it's a whole lot better than measuring myself and finding that I had gained 2 inches!

Also, I ordered a new mattress today.  I'm hoping it is as wonderful as the reviews I've read and that I will experience improved sleep and that improved sleep will result in more energy and greater success as far as my weight loss goals are concerned.  I could be pinning a bit too much hope to this new mattress, but that is what I am hoping.  Delivery will be in 2-4 weeks.  I can't wait!

That's all!

Walking Again!

I wouldn't have noticed that my azalea bush was blooming for a 2nd time this year if I hadn't gone for a walk yesterday.

I just got back from a walk with my nineteen year old daughter.  We've made a commitment to start walking together every day.  Today was day two. 

My daughter wants to get moving because she had a very interesting experience this Summer.  Without even trying she became thin.  She's never been fat, but had a little muffin top that made her feel self-conscious.  Now it's gone.  The only difference was that we put up a 19x48 above ground pool, and she was out in it every sunny day, so she wants to keep getting some exercise so the muffin top doesn't return.

We're hoping to build a nice exercise streak and see some positive changes like improved sleep and more energy.  On the days that the weather is not cooperating we plan to play Walk it Out, a silly little video game that does manage to at least create some movement.  Right now, the weather is definitely cooperating, though, which helps motivate me to get out there, and I feel good about myself for doing it, so Yay me!

So Far, So Good.

For two days in a row now I've not eaten anything after dinner.  It hasn't been all that hard so far.  At one point I remembered I had an ice cream bar waiting for me in the freezer, but I was too full after dinner to justify eating it and calling it dessert.  Instead of obsessing about the ice cream and giving in and having it as an evening snack I just told myself that tomorrow is a new day, and it will be waiting for me then.  I felt peaceful about that.  Of course, sweet things are not really what I crave.  I can pretty much take or leave chocolate and ice cream.  So, it wasn't that impressive.

The impressive thing is later in the evening, two of my kids came home from a movie with a great big tub of buttered popcorn, and when I saw that I said, "Oh, gimme some of that!"  and then I remembered my new no snacking after dinner rule and said, "Nevermind."  I spent a few minutes thinking about how good that ice cream would taste after a salty, buttery bowl of popcorn, and what a nice little snack that would be, but the moment passed quickly, and I didn't think about eating again for the rest of the night.

Unfortunately, I had a really hard time sleeping, and around 3:00 in the morning when I was still awake and tossing and turning, my stomach started growling and burning in that hungry way.  It had been eight hours since I last ate. The growling didn't last long, and I finally managed to fall asleep sometime after 4:00.  So, I survived, and it was pretty painless.

If I can manage to not eat after dinner AND continue to make mostly healthy food choices during the day, I think some weight will start to go.  I realized today that it's been weeks since I ate boxed mac-n-cheese or instant mashed potatoes or a cup of ramen noodles, all things that had been my staples for several months.  I am making changes slowly and can feel good about that. This morning I had my smoothie for breakfast and a salad for lunch.

Speaking of my salad,...I went out to the garden and picked some lettuce and then threw together a salad with some dried cranberries and sunflower seeds only to discover my favorite salad dressing was all gone.  I was disappointed, but decided to try to make a little vinaigrette of my own.  I put some olive oil, rice vinegar, chia seeds, a few mixed berries and salt and pepper into a blender and gave it a whirl.  It was pretty tasty!  I was so proud of myself.

An Extraordinary Ordinary Day

I had a productive day.  Today was the first day of testing week for my two remaining homeschoolers.  (Two of my kids are done homeschooling and are in college, which actually looks a lot like homeschooling.  They do a lot of teaching themselves.)  So, we sat out on the deck with No. 2 pencils, test booklets and answer sheets and began the hoop-jumping for the state testing.

Testing on the deck was nice and relaxing until we were interrupted by a momma raccoon and her baby.  The baby got stuck on the other side of the fence somehow and started screaming while the momma chattered loudly.  It was a horrible and upsetting sound, and there wasn't anything I could do about it except shuffle everyone inside to safety where we finished testing for the day.  Eventually the screaming stopped, and I got brave enough to go outside with a broom to see if the raccoons were still there.  They weren't.  I hope the baby is okay.  I also hope it doesn't decide to get too comfy in my backyard.

I made a delicious dinner but ate a tiny bit too much and felt really bloated.

Calico Beans and Creamy Cucumber Salad

I remedied that by taking a walk with my girls.  It was my idea and everything!  I'm not sure where that wild hair came from, but it was nice walking at sunset.

When we got home our neighbor was in our driveway trying to catch his cat which was obviously badly injured.  He was backing out of the garage and the cat was lying there and he felt a sickening thud.  We're thinking good thoughts for the poor cat.  This was not a good day for animals around here.

Then I sat on the deck and relaxed while the sun disappeared completely.  The kids and I put the cover on the pool and picked up the backyard, and here I sit feeling good about the day.  It doesn't seem like much when I write it all out.  There was the usual dishes and laundry, but that's all.  Still, it's a lot more activity than I've been used to since last Fall.  A good day, overall.

This Is Progress!

Yesterday I wore my new pair of jeans and a cute top to the grocery store.  I felt so good being out in something other than sweat pants that make me look super frumpy that I stopped to buy another pair of jeans and another cute top on my way to the grocery store.

I've broken the can't -buy-a-bigger-size barrier, and I'm already feeling so much better about myself.  I'm going to get rid of all of those ugly, frumpy clothes in my drawers; the ones that make me look like I've given up, which I had.  I'm also going to get rid of all the clothes that are too small.  That will be a little harder because I still hope to wear those sizes, but buying something fun and cute in a new smaller size will be a joy I can look forward to in the future, and in the meantime, I can bless someone by giving them something I can't use right now anyway.

The next barrier I intend to break is the can't-stand-to-be-seen-by-people-who-knew-me-when-I-was-thinner barrier. (That's a long-ass barrier.)  I've been avoiding one of my favorite hangouts and one of my favorite hobbies  (karaoke, baby!) because I don't want to face people whispering behind my back about how much weight I've gained.  I've seen my best and closest friends, but there are those friends and associates that I haven't seen (and who haven't seen me) that I haven't wanted to face.

I was feeling so good yesterday that I almost went out.  I didn't because my hair needs dyeing, and I didn't feel like messing with that.  What is notable is that the reason I didn't go out last night didn't have anything to do with fat or fear or self-loathing. 

That wedding I've been dreading is in two weeks.  Two months ago I told myself it would be okay because I still had time to lose some weight and feel better about myself.  I haven't lost a single pound since then, but I feel better about myself anyway, and I'm no longer dreading going to the wedding.  I'm going to get my hair trimmed, dyed and highlighted.  I'm gonna get pedicure, throw on some jewelry and a smile and have a good time.

Well, Look At That...

The sun did make an appearance today.  I had decided to make this a better day, anyway, but the sun showing up sure was nice.  We had lots of clouds too, but they kept floating across the sky, which left time to sit out on the deck and relax in the sun for several minutes at a time.

I did my morning yoga, had my smoothie, and got dinner (beef stew!) simmering on the stove all before noon.  Well, noonish.  I've also noticed I've been sleeping pretty well the last few nights.  I still wake up a few times, but I roll over and go back to sleep, and I'm still getting to bed later and sleeping in longer than I'd like, but it is an improvement.

Today is definitely an improvement over yesterday.

Lighter

That weekend water weight I gained was gone this morning along with .3 pounds.  Hey, it doesn't take much to encourage me! It was enough to get me doing my little bit of yoga (It almost feels like I shouldn't mention it because I only spend 5 minutes right now.) and blending my smoothie.  I've done both of those things every day for almost an entire week.

I'm babysitting again today.  It's something I plan to do on a regular basis.  A friend of mine is having a health crisis which could be life threatening.  He's a stay-at-home dad, and his condition along with the medication he's taking makes him dizzy and tired.  It's a lot to handle when you're also taking care of a busy one year old baby.

I learned the last time I babysat that I wouldn't feel like making dinner after she goes home, so today I'm starting dinner before I go pick her up.  That way I'm committed, and I'm also half-way done. Smart, huh? 

Progress Report

I'm getting closer to living one of those ordinary days in my perfect life. For the last four days I've worked in my garden, planting, harvesting, and weeding; I've had a breakfast smoothie, complete with spinach from my little garden, and I've done a little basic yoga, not outside in my backyard, but in the privacy of my living room, even though the weather has been perfect.

 I've gotten a much later start each day than I'd like, but better late than never. The yoga has gotten easier after just four days, which amazes me. The first day when I tried moving from a cobra position into a downward dog, which requires flipping my toes and pushing my bottom into the air, I couldn't do it. I figured I was too bulky and heavy, and that movement was just not possible for someone my size. I can do it now.

 

I've really been enjoying my garden this week too.  It's just a little one, but when I look at it, I make plans in my head for additions to it.  I love watching the things I planted grow.  My kids are loving it too.  This is the first vegetable garden I've ever grown, and it's gratifying to be learning something new alongside them. 

There are other positive changes coming, to be sure, but for now I'm going to rest with this new routine I've created and get very comfortable with it before I try to add something new.  It seems to be working.  I can feel the clouds of depression lifting and burning off with the sun, and I'm looking forward to the day when getting dressed and walking out the front door feels normal again instead of being a stress-inducing chore.

For almost two months now nothing but elastic waistbands have touched these hips and this waist of mine.  The last time I wore a pair of jeans was on April 16th when I met a couple of girlfriends for dinner.  I remember that night well.  I grabbed my fat jeans, which, come to think of it, have elastic in the waistband.  I put them on only to discover they were too tight, despite the elastic that was stretched to the breaking point. Do you know how depressing that is?  I wore them anyway because I didn't have anything else that was suitable for a night out.

As soon as we finished dinner I ducked out.  I couldn't wait to get home and out of those torturous jeans and back into my friendly pajamas.  When I got home and took the jeans off I saw that  they had left angry red imprints all around my middle.  It hurt, inside and out.

The most comfortable jean?  Not when they are two sizes TOO small. 

Well, today I decided to try them on again.  It was really scarey because I've been feeling vulnerable, but I had a good night's sleep last night (Halleluia! Asleep around 1:00 am and up at 10:30 am.) so I wondered if maybe I was making tangible progress anywhere else.  I put on the jeans and they fit comfortably.  Now, I'm tempted to think that it could just be that I'm in the right place in my monthly cycle to try on jeans, but I do think maybe I've lost a half inch or so around the middle, just enough to make the jeans wearable again.

Anyway,...yay! :-)