I thought I'd stop by to explain my absence. The short story is I just needed a break from thinking about my weight. I literally think about how fat I am at least once every 5 minutes. Something comes to mind, and it always comes back to my weight. It feels like a prison.
Not writing about it has not stopped me from thinking about it, however. Taking a break from writing about the mechanics of losing weight has given me time to realize, for the hundredth time, that this weight is not my problem. My problem is that I don't think I'm lovable unless I'm perfect, and being fat is not perfection in my mind.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I will not get anywhere until I learn to accept myself unconditionally. That means that if I'm only happy with myself when I'm doing the right things and losing weight, or if I can't be happy with myself right now, I suspect I will continue to struggle with my weight.
Learning to accept love from others and from myself might be THE THING I am here to heal, and until I get a handle on that, stuff will just keep coming up that challenges me to learn and grow in that area.
I am still in hiding. I'm still telling myself I'll go out and have fun after I lose a few pounds. My husband and I have a wedding to go to in August, and I am dreading it. It's the wedding of a coworker of his and I don't want his coworkers to see what a fat wife he has.
I've also realized that the way I talk about myself, as in the paragraph above, is obnoxiously hurtful, not just to myself, but to other people who may be struggling with their weight. Recently a friend of mine who has lost a lot of weight made a comment about a picture of herself that someone else posted the other day. The picture was from a few months ago and featured a larger version of my friend.
She wrote, "What a horrifically ugly fat picture from last Winter... ugghhh... glad to not look like that anymore!"
All I could think is that she was thinner in that picture than I am right now. It made me sad. I know she was talking only about herself and she would never say something like that about another person. I also know that she doesn't see other people as horrifically ugly. She, like me, sees herself that way when she isn't what she believes she should be. It reminded me that I've used language like that to describe myself, and it has to stop. I am hurting myself, and I may be unintentionally hurting other people with that language. My daughters. Oh God. I know I've hurt them by talking about myself that way.
So, that is what I'm working on right now. I'm not sure I'll be writing quite so much about the food I'm putting into my body and the exercise I'm doing. (Or not doing) I need to heal this much bigger issue. I don't know how to do it, but I'm going to start by not describing myself in terms of my physical body or appearance anymore.
Oh, Siddaleah! That is so sad and moving. I wish you healing, and the ability to accept that you are lovable just as you are!
ReplyDeleteFor me, writing about what I'm eating and how I'm exercising has been helpful, as an additional motivation to do what I know is good for me. But if you don't find that, then play around with it and find what works. If that's writing about gardening, or how to nurture yourself (for example, lighting candles with dinner just because, or having a lovely bath with scented oil), then that sounds good, too.
I hope we'll still see you here sometimes, whatever you choose to write about. And I hope that you can be kinder to and more accepting of yourself.
Hugs,
Kerry
Oh yes, I will keep writing, and if I were in the right frame of mind writing about my diet and exercise would be helpful to me too, but right now I think it's the wrong place for me to focus. It's like I'm only giving myself pats on the back when I "do it right," and the fact is, I deserve pats on the back from myself every single day just because I'm awesome. (As are we all!) In fact, the days where I'm "doing it all wrong," are the days I need those pats more than ever. So, that's going to be my focus for now; to love myself on the good days and the bad.
DeleteYou are most definitely awesome! :) And yes, you deserve pats on the back every day, for being alive, for living your life, for being a wonderful person, for struggling even when it's hard, and for every success you have, big or small, emotional, spiritual or physical!
DeleteYes...I can relate 100%. I am trying very hard to bust out of my negative talk loop, one that perpetuates my body image issues. I agree with you and Kerry that you should post whatever feels good, not what you think you should to 'stay on track' with your diet/exercise log. Do what seems good to you.
ReplyDeleteI've been having dreams about my negative body image issues--very interesting stuff. When you go the wedding, think about what a great person you are. Concentrate on enjoying yourself. It helps me to focus outside of myself--to think about enjoying my connection with others, about being of service in a kind and loving way, and not getting caught in a feedback loop of negativity. Pamper yourself. Have fun!
Love,
MM
I will think about those things you suggested. I will try very hard to do that and not give a thought to my weight. (I know the thoughts will come, so I'm going to be prepared with kind thoughts to counter them.) I'm also going to try, try, try to find something to wear that I feel good in, and I'm going to try, try, try to not leave the store with empty hands and tears in my eyes.
DeleteThe dreams are interesting. A message from you to you about something. How do you feel in your dreams? That's what usually tells me the most; the feelings I'm having are more significant than the actual situation in the dream.
Hey, Siddaleah, good to see you back! Your Project Me is project you, so please write about whatever you want!! My blog has taken a distinct yoga turn lately. Let your blog turn whichever direction you want it to. :) x
ReplyDelete