I thought I'd stop by to explain my absence. The short story is I just needed a break from thinking about my weight. I literally think about how fat I am at least once every 5 minutes. Something comes to mind, and it always comes back to my weight. It feels like a prison.
Not writing about it has not stopped me from thinking about it, however. Taking a break from writing about the mechanics of losing weight has given me time to realize, for the hundredth time, that this weight is not my problem. My problem is that I don't think I'm lovable unless I'm perfect, and being fat is not perfection in my mind.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I will not get anywhere until I learn to accept myself unconditionally. That means that if I'm only happy with myself when I'm doing the right things and losing weight, or if I can't be happy with myself right now, I suspect I will continue to struggle with my weight.
Learning to accept love from others and from myself might be THE THING I am here to heal, and until I get a handle on that, stuff will just keep coming up that challenges me to learn and grow in that area.
I am still in hiding. I'm still telling myself I'll go out and have fun after I lose a few pounds. My husband and I have a wedding to go to in August, and I am dreading it. It's the wedding of a coworker of his and I don't want his coworkers to see what a fat wife he has.
I've also realized that the way I talk about myself, as in the paragraph above, is obnoxiously hurtful, not just to myself, but to other people who may be struggling with their weight. Recently a friend of mine who has lost a lot of weight made a comment about a picture of herself that someone else posted the other day. The picture was from a few months ago and featured a larger version of my friend.
She wrote, "What a horrifically ugly fat picture from last Winter... ugghhh... glad to not look like that anymore!"
All I could think is that she was thinner in that picture than I am right now. It made me sad. I know she was talking only about herself and she would never say something like that about another person. I also know that she doesn't see other people as horrifically ugly. She, like me, sees herself that way when she isn't what she believes she should be. It reminded me that I've used language like that to describe myself, and it has to stop. I am hurting myself, and I may be unintentionally hurting other people with that language. My daughters. Oh God. I know I've hurt them by talking about myself that way.
So, that is what I'm working on right now. I'm not sure I'll be writing quite so much about the food I'm putting into my body and the exercise I'm doing. (Or not doing) I need to heal this much bigger issue. I don't know how to do it, but I'm going to start by not describing myself in terms of my physical body or appearance anymore.