Finding The Track and Getting Back

It's time for me to wake up and become a major player in my life again.  I've been disengaged the last couple of months, but I'm ready to stop thinking about the things I could do to feel happier, healthier, and more present and start doing them.  I had a wake-up call regarding my health recently.  I'm fine, I think, still probably need a trip to the doctor, but a wake up call was needed, and I'm working proactively to live as well as I can.

I installed an app on my phone called, "Lift," to help me track my goals.  I've only started with a few, aiming to get a daily yoga practice happening five days a week, fifteen minutes of tackling problem areas in my house each day, and clean eating five days a week.  Oh!  And I added a goal to actually check in with my calendar and to do list each morning.

I did my yoga this morning, and I'll admit that the main reason I did it was so I could check it off in the app -- it would be a shame to fail on the first day --

but I did it.

Clouds in My Coffee

Most mornings the first thing I do is grab a mug, pour some coffee, add some creamer and walk away from the mug to put the creamer back in the fridge.  Today, it occurred to me that I was missing out on 3 seconds of pleasure that every coffee with cream drinker can easily enjoy.

Clouds in my coffee.

And stirring too vigorously makes bubbles.  Tomorrow I'm going to handle my coffee routine more gently and more intentionally.

Dressed and Fed

I got dressed today, as I promised myself I'd do.  I also managed to accomplish a few more things on my To-Do list.  It may sound like I'm aiming low, but honestly, I'm proud of myself for getting even one thing crossed off my list right now.

I made a batch of sugar cookie dough and will roll them out and bake them tomorrow.  Then I'll freeze them so they'll be ready for frosting closer to Christmas. 

I got a couple of loads of laundry done and made my bed.

I made a delicious, soul-feeding, stick to your ribs dinner.  No, it was not low fat or light or particularly healthy except for the fact that it was made with all real food (and that's healthy enough for me!).  I do find that we all eat less when I make a meal like this than when we have take-out or fast food.  It's like those calories, even though they are heavy on the fat side, are real fuel and not just fluff, so we don't keep eating and eating, trying to feed ourselves real fuel that's not there.

Tomorrow I'll get dressed in the morning again and go from there.

Hangin' Up My Slippers

I'm gonna keep this short.  I'm planning to start checking in more often.  Dare I hope for a daily note, even if it's just to say I'm still hangin' in there?  We'll see. 

I'm struggling a little bit.  The Winter Blahs have set in and when those set in early, like they have done this year, the blahs clash, BIG time, with my Holiday Shit-Storm.  The Holiday Shit-Storm is when I run around with an expectation of perfection and try to do it all, but I always fall short.

Cookies, homemade wrapping paper, snowflakes with the kids, parties, shopping, beautiful decorations.

How on earth am I going to accomplish that in the state I'm in?  I won't.  So, right now, I'm going to just have one expectation of myself, and that is...wait for it.  It's a biggie. 

I'm going to get dressed when I wake up.

Yeah, that's it.  I've been living in my pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and bathrobe, and call me crazy, but I  just don't feel that energetic or productive in that getup, so I'm going to make a point of getting dressed when I wake up, instead of 5 minutes before my husband is due home.

What happens when the Winter Blues and the Holiday Shit-Storm occur concurrently?   I have to lower my expectations, that's what.

Progress Report

I'm getting closer to living one of those ordinary days in my perfect life. For the last four days I've worked in my garden, planting, harvesting, and weeding; I've had a breakfast smoothie, complete with spinach from my little garden, and I've done a little basic yoga, not outside in my backyard, but in the privacy of my living room, even though the weather has been perfect.

 I've gotten a much later start each day than I'd like, but better late than never. The yoga has gotten easier after just four days, which amazes me. The first day when I tried moving from a cobra position into a downward dog, which requires flipping my toes and pushing my bottom into the air, I couldn't do it. I figured I was too bulky and heavy, and that movement was just not possible for someone my size. I can do it now.

 

I've really been enjoying my garden this week too.  It's just a little one, but when I look at it, I make plans in my head for additions to it.  I love watching the things I planted grow.  My kids are loving it too.  This is the first vegetable garden I've ever grown, and it's gratifying to be learning something new alongside them. 

There are other positive changes coming, to be sure, but for now I'm going to rest with this new routine I've created and get very comfortable with it before I try to add something new.  It seems to be working.  I can feel the clouds of depression lifting and burning off with the sun, and I'm looking forward to the day when getting dressed and walking out the front door feels normal again instead of being a stress-inducing chore.

Well, my morning routine experiment didn't happen.  I couldn't sleep last night because of both a sick little girl and mind chatter.  Mostly mind chatter.  So, when my alarm went off at 9:00 am, not 7:00 because I decided to be gentle with myself since I have not been up before 11:00 am in a long time, I turned it off and rolled over.

I'm going to have to work myself into an earlier waking time.  I really would like to see what listening to morning bird song and drinking fresh hot coffee on the back deck feels like.

I'm also going to look up how to do sun salutations because, although I can envision myself doing them every morning in my perfect life, I have never actually done them.

I did get some really good ideas for my novel, though, and I got some gardening time in.  For lunch I had a salad made with fresh spinach cut from my very own garden.  That's the first time in my life I've ever done that.

I'm not giving up on the morning routine experiment, just delaying it until I can get a good night's rest.

I've been thinking about conducting a little experiment.  I have this version of my perfect life in my head, but it's a cloudy and vague version.  That could be because I have many versions of the perfect life, a lot of ways I could be content, or it could be because I've never really solidified my vision.  I wonder what it would be like to live an ordinary day in my perfect life. 

I wonder if I could wake up tomorrow and go about my daily routine (which is currently non-existent) as if I were living my perfect life.  I already know one thing that would make it difficult for me to do.  In my perfect life I sleep well, and I definitely get out of bed earlier that 1:00 pm, which is the time I got up today.  Still, maybe if I make a plan and then try it out for a day I could see if I would even enjoy living this perfect life I think I want.

An ordinary day in my perfect life:

• 7:00 am - Get up, wash my face, moisturize, get dressed, etc.
• 7:15 am - Do Yoga Sun Salutations (outside if the weather is as gorgeous as it is right now)
• 8:00 am - Coffee on the deck (again, weather permitting...trying to break the sit-in-front-of-the-computer-upon-waking habit)
• 8:20 am - Make a  breakfast smoothie
• 8:30 am - Putter in my garden (I actually do have some neglected gardening to do and the weather is perfect right now.)
• 9:30 am - Work on my current novel (In my perfect life, I would already have a published novel or two out there in the world.  In fact, I do have a couple in the works that I'd love to finish.)

Around noon I would make a yummy lunch and sit down with my kids or maybe I would meet my mom for lunch somewhere.  I'd start dinner in the afternoon, make time to tidy up the house, have dinner with my family in the evening.  Later in the evening the kids would be off with their friends, doing their own thing and my husband and I might sit down together, watch a movie or maybe we'd have a few friends over to play Texas Hold 'Em or Rock Band.

I have other versions of this that include working in my glass studio...rehearsing with my band,sitting on the deck and writing a new song on my guitar or heading off to play rehearsal where I have the female lead.   Those are dreams I gave up on already, though, but I can still tinker with my glass and play my guitar for fun anytime I like. I could audition for a part in a play at the community theater downtown. 

What a lovely life I could have if I just let myself do it.    I think tomorrow I'll get up and at least try out that morning routine up there.  My body may have different plans at 7:00 in the morning, but it would be fun to give it a try, and I do have some gardening to do...