Reset

I'm still struggling a little bit with the carb cravings since I've allowed myself to give in and eat some of the things I had been avoiding.  I'm also afraid to get on the scale and see what I've gained, so I'm avoiding that.  I am, however, eating very low carb today.  One thing I've managed to continue doing is eat under 25 grams of total carbohydrates every Monday and Tuesday, no matter how badly I might deviate from my plan for the rest of the week.

For Mothers' Day my husband and kids made me mimosas for brunch and prepared Chicken Pad Thai, as per my request, for dinner.  It was delicious.  They also gave me a new iPhone, and this whole post was just an excuse for me to play with the camera on it.  So, here are pictures of my dinner last night, and my low carb breakfast this morning.

Mmmm Meat

Yep, I'm sharing a picture of my dinner for today's 30 Day Beauty Challenge picture because a healthy home cooked meal is a beautiful thing.

We had pork sirloin and roasted garlic Parmesan asparagus.  Not too long ago if there wasn't potatoes, rice, pasta or a dinner roll on my plate it didn't feel like I'd eaten a complete meal.  This meal was, however, very satisfying.  My perception has changed and I no longer feel cheated if I don't have a big dose of carbohydrates for dinner.

My Smoothie Secret

I'm always trying to get fish oil in my diet, but I hate the way it tastes.  I usually take it in capsule form, but there is that whole business of repeating that takes place with them.  Fish oil burps are really gross.  I've tried freezing the capsules because someone told me that keeps that from happening, but it doesn't work.

Anyway, I've found a delicious way to take fish oil.  Barlean's Omega Swirl comes in a bunch of flavors, but I have the lemon twist and you can literally take a teaspoon right out of the bottle and eat it without tasting even a hint of fish.  I sound like an advertisement, but I was really surprised by this find, and now I drink a smoothie every day with it. 

I use ice, a handful of spinach, a couple of teaspoons of the lemon twist, chia seeds, almond milk, and a scoop of protein powder. (I use Jay Robb Whey Protein.  It's made with stevia so no sugars.)  With the vanilla protein powder it tastes like a lemon cream pie! 

This small size is my snack size.  Sometimes I have it for breakfast and then I make about twice as much.  (I still use the same amount of fish oil, though.)  Yesterday I made the big smoothie for lunch, but I accidentally used half and half instead of almond milk.  Yikes!  That was a 700 calorie smoothie!  It was super tasty, though.  I didn't even realize what I'd done until I had finished it.  I won't make that mistake again.

Articles about the benefits of Fish Oil:

• 9 Health Benefits of Fish Oil
• Pop This Supplement to Stay Young 
• Fish Oil Benefits?

My Clothes Are Getting Bigger

I am feeling great!  I just wanted to put that out there.  I'll elaborate.

I just finished my Intro to Yoga series, and it was really good for me.  There were physical benefits, but the emotional and mental benefits might eclipse the physical ones.  The teacher of the class was great, and I learned even more to accept the body that I have right now.  She really emphasized not comparing ourselves to others and how different and wonderful all of our bodies are.  It was also really important for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new.  I used to do that all the time, but somehow forgot I was that kind of woman.

I'm going to take another intro series because my daughter wants to take it too, and she wanted someone to go with her.  I'm thrilled that she'll be joining me.  The class doesn't start until the 5th of next month, so I'm thinking of catching a couple of the regular gentle classes next week.

This is week two of my new eating plan, and I love it!  I've discovered new recipes, and I've discovered I need a lot less bread and pasta to be happy than I thought I needed.  I'm still losing weight, although not as quickly as I did in week one.  My husband is also losing weight, and it's really nice to have someone in the house who is eating the same meals as I am.  Last night we had jalapeño bites.  The jalapeños are stuffed with cream cheese, feta or goat cheese, parmesan cheese, tomatoes and cilantro.  I used salsa because I didn't have tomatoes and cilantro on hand.  Then you wrap them in bacon and bake at 375 degrees for about 25 minutes.

In other news, today before going out shopping when I got dressed I noticed the shirt I put on felt a lot bigger on me than it had the last time I wore it.  That was a nice surprise!  It was the same shirt I wore for a picture I posted a few months ago, so I made a side by side comparison.  Now, I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think most of what I have lost has been around the middle, so you can definitely see the difference, or at least, I can.  I can feel the difference too, and that is a nice feeling.

August 2013                                                                               February 2014

You can't see my waistline in the second picture because the shirt hangs down and hides it instead of hugging my hips like in the first, but it's in there!

One Week Later, Drumroll Please

I've just finished one week of my new eating plan, and I'm very happy with the results.  I'm not happy so much because I lost weight.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about that, but losing weight isn't that hard.  It's continuing to lose and not gain that is difficult.  This is the first time I've felt hopeful that I could continue to lose weight this way. 

There were two days a week where I craved carbohydrates in the evenings.  The rest of the week I was satisfied.  In fact, I ate better this week than I can remember ever eating.  The food was all made by me with real, whole ingredients, and everything was delicious, and even better, I didn't feel bloated and uncomfortable once all week.

Pizza made with a whole wheat pita, home-made Alfredo sauce, spinach, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, and crumbled bacon. Green salad with dressing made from olive oil, raw apple cider vinegar, raw honey, minced garlic, Himalayan sea salt, and cracked pepper.

This is an example of the types of meals I ate during the five days of the week where I ate around 125 carbohydrate grams a day or less.  Normally when I eat pizza, I would not have a salad with it, and I would eat a lot more of the pizza than this, but like I said earlier, this plan puts a fence around the carbohydrates for me, and I didn't miss the extra pizza.  I didn't miss feeling overstuffed, and I didn't miss the heartburn either. 

I like that I'm not counting calories.  I have no idea how many calories I ate each day.  I hate tracking every bite I take.  The only thing I did was become more aware of the bread, pasta, and sugar I was adding to my diet, and I chose higher fiber versions and smaller portions of those things.

Oh, so what was the result in numbers?  Well, I lost 6 lbs and 2.5 inches around my waist.  I weigh 251.4 lbs and my waist is 41 inches today.  If you're keeping track, that's only 1 pound lost since I started this blog because I had actually been gaining weight since I began writing. 

I'll tell you what else I've gained since I began writing.  I've gained greater compassion for and acceptance of myself exactly as I am.  My self-talk is much kinder.  My confidence - higher.   And hope.  I've gained hope.  I've gained the ability to dream again.

(Pretty syrupy and dramatic, huh?  Can't help it, it's the truth. lol)

Happily Hopeful

Yesterday I mentioned a new menu plan I was trying.  I'm only two days in, but I'm so happy with, not only the initial results, but with my ability to eat this way relatively easily that I decided to share even though I was going to wait for a week or two.

I picked up a new book by Jorge Cruise called, "Happy Hormones, Slim Belly."  The premise of the book, in a nutshell, is that women over 40 naturally crave more carbohydrates to help their bodies produce more serotonin as levels drop due to pre or peri-menopause.  So, although the carbs cause weight gain, you can't deny a woman over 40 those carbs because she needs them.  A catch 22.  So, Jorge, while sharing the science behind this idea, has developed a plan where one eats almost no carbs for two consecutive days of the week and adds carbohydrate calories back into the diet for the remaining five days of the week.  He calls it, "Carb cycling."

I've just finished my first two days of very low carb eating, and I've lost almost 5 pounds since Monday morning!  Now, I don't expect those results every week, and the book doesn't promise those kinds of results,  (The book does promise 7 pounds of weight loss the first week and 2 pounds a week after that.) but I am thrilled to be starting out so well.  Thrilled, not so much because of the weight lost, because I've lost that kind of weight before, but thrilled because the foods I'm eating on this plan are the exact same foods I was eating before.  The difference is, this plan sort of puts a fence around all those carbs that were a little out of control for me before.  This makes the plan sustainable for me.

I won't lie.  I did crave carbs on the two days that I didn't have them, especially in the evening, but knowing I could add them back into my diet in two days and for the bulk of the week kept me going.  I just grabbed another cheese stick or handful of macadamia nuts, sipped a tall glass of water and planned what I'd eat tomorrow.  Last night when I was craving carbs I dreamed of today's lunch, a dream that was realized today with joy. :-)

Egg Salad on half a whole wheat English muffin topped with a leaf of Romaine lettuce

Update

I went to my first yoga class last night, and it was good!  My worst fears were not realized.  I was not the only overweight woman there.  I wasn't even the biggest woman there.  I never felt judged or pitied.  Nobody looked at me like they were thinking, "You can't do yoga.  What are you doing here?"  It seems silly, in retrospect, that I entertained any of those "what if," thoughts and fears because my experience was so far from being like my fears and very much what I had hoped it would be.

I'm also eating a different way, trying a new plan, but I don't want to say too much about it until I find out if it's going to be sustainable as a lifestyle or if it's just another wild hair that isn't going to last and will leave me feeling like a failure.  So far, it has promise.

That's all.

New Year, New Attitude, Still a Go!

 Just a report on the progress I've made on regaining ground I thought I'd lost.

With holidays, illness, and back pain behind me, I'm feeling better and finally getting back into my routine of cooking meals using real food instead of ordering pizza and buying packaged dinners in a box to feed everyone. 

Cream of Broccoli Soup in Progress

Also, since I cut my 2-day cleanse short, I had a bunch of extra veggies in the fridge, so I made myself a nice tall glass of juice for a snack today.  I was shocked when my youngest daughter drank some and asked for more.  She actually liked it!  This is the girl who will eat nothing but pizza, nachos, macaroni and cheese, and chili, but only if it comes in a can.

The juice was made with an apple, celery, kale, artichoke hearts, cucumbers, parsley, and a bit of lemon.  Not bad for a little girl who lives on bread and cheese and a mommy who is getting her groove back.

Two Days, and I'm Not Excited About This.

I'm trying this 2 day cleanse just to see what happens.  I'm on day one.  I've had breakfast and lunch, and all I can tell you so far is I do not find quinoa with prunes at all appetizing or enjoyable.

I should be able to do this for two days.  Right? 

Update:  I've made it through one day of the cleanse, and I'm sitting here drinking some dandelion root tea before bed.  I am hungry, and I can't even look forward to eating tomorrow because the thought of that cabbage soup and quinoa with prunes is making me gag.  I'm craving fat and salt like crazy.  A small bowl of cottage cheese sounds like heaven to me right now. 

Oh well, it will be especially nice to get back to eating normally again.  It's only two days.

Positive Checklist

Some positive things I've done for my health and happiness lately:

• Cooking and eating more whole foods and less processed junk which has helped me narrow down some sensitivities, especially mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, and MSG all containing soy.   Because I've been feeling better eating real food I really notice it when one of those things sneak in, like they did during Thanksgiving dinner.
• Walking a few times a week.
• Bought a new mattress in the quest for better sleep.  I think the mattress is better than what we had, but it hasn't eliminated my sore back and waking up feeling very stiff and sore.  That was a disappointment, and I'm not sure if I should keep trying mattresses or accept the fact that, at this weight, I'm always sore and stiff.
• Ordered progesterone and am really hoping it makes a difference.  I'll let you know!
• Started taking vitamin D.  It's that time of year.
• Reaching out to friends a little bit more.
• Counting my blessings a little bit more.
• Giving myself props for positive action, as in this list.
• Making space for healing by filtering out some of the "noise" that has been distracting and irritating me.  More specifically, taking a break from Facebook.  I've been feeling very sensitive this Fall, and I needed to put some filters up to keep from taking in energy that works against me. 
• Getting dressed, including putting on shoes in the morning.
• Saying, "No," when I need to.
• Saying, "Yes," when it is good for me to do so. (Like accepting social invitations and offers of help.)
• Working on kind and compassionate self-talk.

I just needed to remind myself that a lot of positive action is taking place.

Dressed and Fed

I got dressed today, as I promised myself I'd do.  I also managed to accomplish a few more things on my To-Do list.  It may sound like I'm aiming low, but honestly, I'm proud of myself for getting even one thing crossed off my list right now.

I made a batch of sugar cookie dough and will roll them out and bake them tomorrow.  Then I'll freeze them so they'll be ready for frosting closer to Christmas. 

I got a couple of loads of laundry done and made my bed.

I made a delicious, soul-feeding, stick to your ribs dinner.  No, it was not low fat or light or particularly healthy except for the fact that it was made with all real food (and that's healthy enough for me!).  I do find that we all eat less when I make a meal like this than when we have take-out or fast food.  It's like those calories, even though they are heavy on the fat side, are real fuel and not just fluff, so we don't keep eating and eating, trying to feed ourselves real fuel that's not there.

Tomorrow I'll get dressed in the morning again and go from there.

So Far, So Good.

For two days in a row now I've not eaten anything after dinner.  It hasn't been all that hard so far.  At one point I remembered I had an ice cream bar waiting for me in the freezer, but I was too full after dinner to justify eating it and calling it dessert.  Instead of obsessing about the ice cream and giving in and having it as an evening snack I just told myself that tomorrow is a new day, and it will be waiting for me then.  I felt peaceful about that.  Of course, sweet things are not really what I crave.  I can pretty much take or leave chocolate and ice cream.  So, it wasn't that impressive.

The impressive thing is later in the evening, two of my kids came home from a movie with a great big tub of buttered popcorn, and when I saw that I said, "Oh, gimme some of that!"  and then I remembered my new no snacking after dinner rule and said, "Nevermind."  I spent a few minutes thinking about how good that ice cream would taste after a salty, buttery bowl of popcorn, and what a nice little snack that would be, but the moment passed quickly, and I didn't think about eating again for the rest of the night.

Unfortunately, I had a really hard time sleeping, and around 3:00 in the morning when I was still awake and tossing and turning, my stomach started growling and burning in that hungry way.  It had been eight hours since I last ate. The growling didn't last long, and I finally managed to fall asleep sometime after 4:00.  So, I survived, and it was pretty painless.

If I can manage to not eat after dinner AND continue to make mostly healthy food choices during the day, I think some weight will start to go.  I realized today that it's been weeks since I ate boxed mac-n-cheese or instant mashed potatoes or a cup of ramen noodles, all things that had been my staples for several months.  I am making changes slowly and can feel good about that. This morning I had my smoothie for breakfast and a salad for lunch.

Speaking of my salad,...I went out to the garden and picked some lettuce and then threw together a salad with some dried cranberries and sunflower seeds only to discover my favorite salad dressing was all gone.  I was disappointed, but decided to try to make a little vinaigrette of my own.  I put some olive oil, rice vinegar, chia seeds, a few mixed berries and salt and pepper into a blender and gave it a whirl.  It was pretty tasty!  I was so proud of myself.

A Food Day in Pictures

I'm going to snap a picture of everything I eat today.  This won't be a daily thing, but for today it's a guarantee I'll keep it light.  There is no way I would have taken pictures of my food yesterday.  I'll confess here, though.  A cup of coffee with half and half and stevia powder, a bowl of boxed macaroni and cheese, and way too many slices of pizza.  (If I had been snapping pictures every time I grabbed a slice, I know I wouldn't have eaten until bursting, and I know I wouldn't have opted for more as a snack before bed, which resulted in me having a horrible night.)

I'll upload pics tonight,...

I start my day every day with a cup of coffee with half and half and 1/4 tsp. of stevia powder.

I made my breakfast smoothie.  This is the good stuff that goes inside.

 For lunch I ate a grilled cheese sandwich (Colby-Jack and Provolone cheeses inside) on whole wheat with a half of a dill pickle.

My water bottle with a squeeze of fresh lemon...

 

For dinner we had Potato Kielbasa Skillet.  I didn't eat everything on my plate.  I was proud of myself for noticing when I was full and taking my plate away, even though it tasted SO good.

I pulled out my juicer for the first time in a couple of weeks and made some fresh green juice for myself and my husband.

And because I got the munchies in the evening, I had some chips and salsa.  I could have opted for guiltier pleasures, but since my dinner was pretty heavy I passed on the ice cream, and hey, at least it isn't a couple of slices of pizza.

Not So Comfy in My Skin

I've had eczema all my life.  Eczema is sort of a catch all term for crappy skin.  Anyway, sometimes it goes away.  Sometimes it's hella bad.  A couple of months ago I noticed the rashes seemed to be spreading and occurring with greater frequency, but after I started drinking my berry/spinach smoothies with kefir and chia seeds it seemed that the rashes on my arms were clearing up some.  I don't know if the smoothies deserve the credit, but it was enough to encourage me to keep drinking them.

Starting a few days ago, though, the rash on my arms came back with a vengeance.  I was disappointed because I thought the smoothies were helping, but apparently something else was going on.  Then Wednesday night I was so severely itchy that not even a dose of Benedryl could knock me out and make the itch go away.  I became convinced that my sheets were evil and I wanted to rip them off the bed, but I didn't because that would have disturbed my sweet sleeping hubby.

My husband bought new sheets in the beginning of the week, and although we washed them I thought maybe they needed more washing.  Yesterday morning I stripped the bed and checked the tag on the sheets.  Mystery solved!  They are 47% polyester.  Polyester is not such a great thing on my bare skin.  My husband went out and got 100% cotton sheets yesterday, and I slept much better last night. Now I'm looking at my clothes and see that so many of my t-shirts are cotton-poly blends.  No wonder I itch all the time. I'm not sure what to do about it because I can't go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, but at least I don't have to sleep in polyester anymore.

Anyway, I'm hoping that eating better, exercising, drinking more water and reducing stress will not only help me lose weight and relieve my depression but will also have a positive impact on my skin. 

Speaking of eating, today is grocery shopping day.  My menu for the week:

• Bacon Cheeseburgers, Curly fries, and Caesar Salad (a Father's Day request)
• Potato Kielbasa Skillet
• Farmhouse Beef and Bacon Stew
• Chicken Tacos
• Chicken Tortilla Soup (using leftover shredded chicken taco filling)

After running out of planned menu items, I fell back on the old standbys of Chinese takeout and pizza because I didn't make it back to the grocery store earlier in the week like I had promised myself.  I did continue to have a berry/spinach with kefir smoothie every morning.  I'm back on the meal planning wagon again today, though.

Dinner menu for the week:

• White Chicken Chili
• Steak, Baked Potatoes, and Steamed Broccoli
• Tacos
• Taco Rice Casserole (using leftover taco meat and brown rice)
• Tuna Melts and Tomato Soup (I'm going to cheat and use the canned garbage, er stuff because I have a can in the pantry, but I do want to try and make this from scratch next time.)

I also managed to get some more sunshine today.

I got out of the juicing groove over the holiday weekend, but I've been eating more whole foods and less processed stuff as a whole and am feeling better, I think.  I'm not as bloated.  I sort of wish I had weighed myself to see if it was making a difference there, but then I'd be setting myself up for disappointment.  I'll just settle for feeling less bloated and for feeling proud of myself for each step I take toward being healthier.

Breakfast Smoothie: mixed berries, spinach, kefir, coconut milk and chia seeds

Breakfast!

Juice of cabbage, spinach, parsley, lemon and apple with quinoa, yogurt, and berries.

Dinner!

Tilapia in garlic butter sauce and roasted broccoli with parmesan.

I planned a menu for the week and wrote my grocery list.  I went to go get dressed and realized I have no clean clothes.  Laundry.  That's another one of those systems of mine that have broken down.  Oh well, one thing at a time.  Clothes are in the wash, and when they're dry, I'll go shopping.

I'm actually looking forward to having some real food to eat again. I know the effort is worth it.

A few of the items on this week's menu are:

1. Garlic herbed tilapia, roasted broccoli, mashed potatoes.
2. Chicken Florentine Lasagna
3. Country style ribs, sweet mashed potatoes, and  green beans

I'm only planning half a week for now because I'm planning another trip to grocery store on Monday.  When I plan my menu, I only plan 5 meals because I account for the fact that I get tired of cooking every night of the week and at least one night of the week everyone tends to do their own thing or eat leftovers.

I also planned for more green juice, and I'm going to get back to drinking Kefir everyday.  I'm hoping that will help with some of the, um, gastric symptoms I've been experiencing as of late. 

I'm going to try quinoa for breakfast.  I need to find some good protein for the morning.  I wish I were not allergic to eggs because I sure love a good omelet with spinach, onions, and feta.  Maybe I'll like quinoa just as much. Sigh.

Today is day seven of the 7-Day Juice Challenge that I started (a couple of weeks after everyone else) after seeing it posted at the Food Matters website.  I wish I could say I feel so good that I'm a juicing convert.  I wish I could say I feel just a tiny bit better, but I don't.

I don't think that means juicing isn't a good start for me in my quest for health and more energy.  It could mean:

1. I have underlying issues that will take more time for the nutrients via juicing to address.
2. I have underlying issues that the juicing will never address, and I need to explore other options.
3. No amount of healthy juice will make me feel better as long as I continue to subsist on a steady diet of boxed mac and cheese, instant mashed potatoes, ramen noodles, and pizza.

Number 3 seems like the common sense answer, huh?

Since I've made myself a recluse, my whole family has been eating a lot of garbage.  My husband texts me everyday and asks if I need him to pick anything up from the store on his way home, and my answer is usually, "Dinner," and since he knows I usually mean something I don't have to cook,  dinner is usually something processed and convenient.  He also brings home stuff that will "fill the hole" for the other meals of the day; bread, canned soups, chips, and stuff like that.  He does bring home a few whole food staples too, and they would be happily consumed by all if I would actually cook something. 

This makes me feel really guilty.  It is just one way my depression is affecting the health of my whole family.  So, I think the next very important change I need to make is to get back to the chore of making a weekly menu and doing the weekly grocery shopping.

It's something I used to do routinely, but right now it takes tremendous energy and seems very overwhelming.  There is a lot involved in getting to the grocery store that I have been avoiding for several months, things like wearing a bra, brushing my hair, finding clothes to wear that won't be featured on the newest post at the People of Walmart website, and being seen by other people.

It is going to require a serious commitment and some discipline.  I'm going to hate it, but I think as the weeks go by it will make a huge difference.