A Very Long Response

This was a reply to a comment to my last post from MM, but it got to be so long that I just decided to make a post out of it...

Thanks MM.  It is always a relief when someone really gets what I'm experiencing.   I am looking for a DO, and fortunately, our insurance does also cover naturopaths.  Our family doctor is really good in that he doesn't make me feel anxious, and he does understand that a lot of my health issues are anxiety related.  I understand that too, which is really half the battle, but sometimes I am asking myself, what is causing me to be so anxious?

I think there are often real physical things going on that create that brain chemistry and hormone soup.  That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of, and my doctor tends to pat my hand and say, "Just take an antidepressant; it's easier than trying to do the hard work of changing your lifestyle and diet when you're already depressed."  He also doesn't have the time to sort it all out with me. 

That's okay.  I've become a pretty amazing doctor of my own self.  I've also appreciated my doctor for recognizing that.  I usually go in and tell him what my problem is and what I want his help with and he'll do it.  For some reason, though.  I am really nervous about taking that step.  I think I've figured out the whys of that also.

Last time I saw my doctor it lead to a very scary series of events.  The possibility of cancer existed, and I was facing a procedure under anesthesia, which is something I've never done and terrifies me.  I managed to dodge that bullet because things worked themselves out before the date of the hysteroscomy arrived. I had developed a very thick lining in my uterus - over an inch thick!  I attribute that development to my dermatologist who insisted a shot of cortisone would make me so happy and change my life.  That shot did clear up my severe eczema very nicely, but I started bleeding a couple of weeks after that and didn't stop for a month. 

I went into a deep depression and period of severe anxiety after that.  I took both an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication.  My sleep became so disturbed and messed up even with the drugs or maybe because of them. 

I came out of all of that feeling fine and well, but I haven't seen a doctor since.  Which leaves me where I am now: experiencing uncharactaristic indigestion and bloating over the last year, which I think is probably a perimenopausal symptom.  I should see a doctor to rule out other things, which would relieve a lot of the anxiety I have about it all.  A really good doctor might even be able to help me balance the hormones which I suspect are creating the extra anxiety and related symptoms.

I'm still sitting on all of that. For now.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

(Jumping in and pretending it hasn't been 3 months since I last wrote...)

Two recent additions to my diet

I've had a lot of anxiety over the past few months.  I've been experiencing several "symptoms" that  have had me wondering if I'm experiencing heart problems or if I'm just a nervous wreck.  I know a lot of what I'm feeling is post traumatic stress over losing friends and nearly losing friends to heart disease and cancer this year.  The older I get, the more I see people in my age group getting sick and dieing.  It's scary.

Watching other people experience serious health issues has heightened my awareness of my own issues. More specifically, I'm experience several digestive problems: frequent heart burn, reflux, indigestion, bloating, shortness of breath (which I attribute to bloating and anxiety) and pain in my chest, neck, and back.  I find myself wondering constantly if these could be symptoms of heart problems instead of simple digestive issues due to being over-weight and under-active.

I'm overdue for a physical.  I know I should see a doctor to rule out more serious things.  There are many reasons I haven't made an appointment, probably the biggest one being that I have developed a slight distrust of medical doctors.  Fear, being a close second reason for procrastination.  I will go.  Eventually.  It doesn't matter who or how many people tell me to do it.  I'll do it when I'm ready.  I am currently looking for a doctor who has a philosophy of health maintenance more similar to mine and one who won't just had me an anti-depressant, some xanax and sleep medication.  I've been down that road.  It's a band-aid that covers up underlying problems and creates new problems.  I want real health, not an illusion.

Anyway, one day while I was having an episode of indigestion and pain, I remembered that my dad has a hiatal hernia, and my grandma had one, and the way they described feeling was exactly the way I was feeling.  A quick search on the internet led me to stories of others feeling exactly what I was feeling including the worry about heart disease.  So I've been paying closer attention to what I eat.  I found some exercises that are designed to ease the top of the stomach back through the diaphragm in case I am correct about the hiatal hernia, and I've added some foods to my diet that aid digestion.  It's helped.  The daily bloating and indigestion has become less frequent, and when I do experience it I've found that a pinch of fennel seeds really does help ease the problem. (I was skeptical.)

I'm still feeling depressed and very anxious at times.  I think hormones are a big part of the picture, but I'll write about that another day.  I've been doing a lot of reading and researching.  I'm trying to put into practice those things that I think will help (an exercise in trusting my inner wisdom) but it's a process that takes time.

I also think there is a spiritual/psychological component to the digestion problems I'm having.  Repressed anger, "biting my tongue," and things, "I can't stomach," but again, that's a post for another day.

Plan B

I stumbled through my weekend and abandoned some of my goals.  Well, abandoned is a strong word.  I ignored them.  I'm back on track this week, though, and I added a new goal for my daily routine.

I remember what a difference taking B vitamins has been for me before, so I decided to start taking them again, along with a couple of others that I have in my cupboard but stopped taking, mostly because I never remember.  I stopped taking the B vitamins because the taste makes me gag a little, but I decided a moment of *gag* is worth the positive effect they have on my mood which could use a little help right now.

Having my phone send me reminders and encouragement via the Lift app is helpful too!

Finding The Track and Getting Back

It's time for me to wake up and become a major player in my life again.  I've been disengaged the last couple of months, but I'm ready to stop thinking about the things I could do to feel happier, healthier, and more present and start doing them.  I had a wake-up call regarding my health recently.  I'm fine, I think, still probably need a trip to the doctor, but a wake up call was needed, and I'm working proactively to live as well as I can.

I installed an app on my phone called, "Lift," to help me track my goals.  I've only started with a few, aiming to get a daily yoga practice happening five days a week, fifteen minutes of tackling problem areas in my house each day, and clean eating five days a week.  Oh!  And I added a goal to actually check in with my calendar and to do list each morning.

I did my yoga this morning, and I'll admit that the main reason I did it was so I could check it off in the app -- it would be a shame to fail on the first day --

but I did it.

Ready for Change

Last night while I was lying awake in bed I was doing the math.  In the last two months, six people that I have known have died.  Two people that I know have had brain surgery, one of those is still in the hospital recovering, and she lost her son in a logging accident this week (one of the six and a former playmate of my own kids'). The other one who had brain surgery is the son of a friend of mine.  They will be meeting with an oncologist in a few days.  Another friend's husband is in the hospital recovering from the stroke he had the day after his quadruple bypass.  He's relearning how to walk and talk and eat and breathe. 

Of the six who died, three were due to heart ailments, one from breast cancer, and two from tragic accidents.  Three of them were my age, one was my son's age, and two were my dad's age.

This seems quite remarkable to me.  Has there been this much catastrophe in my circle of friends and acquaintances before, and I just haven't noticed?  I don't think so.  I think this is really odd, and it has me a bit shell-shocked.  I'm not wallowing, really I'm not, but I am experiencing some post traumatic stress.  I'm hyper-sensitive in my body.  Every twinge or pain catches my full attention and has me wondering if something serious is beginning.  I'm watching my husband and my kids more closely, and when I'm not being overly cautious and sensitive I'm numbing myself and trying to just not think by playing stupid games on the computer and sleeping as much as I can.

My mind has turned to spiritual things, to end of life things, to big weighty things, and I've been battling a lot of negative thinking.  I'm hoping and sensing that change is in the air.  The weather has improved, we have our pool set up and the deck cleaned off.  We'll be attending a couple of weddings in the next two months, and I'm looking forward to a big group camping trip with friends.  I don't know what purpose this season of painful change has served for all of us, but I sense it has served a purpose.  However, I'm ready for some lightness and joy, and I'm not going to take a moment of it for granted.

Sad

Yesterday I found out that the dad of one of my best friends in high school died of a heart attack while he was riding his bicycle.  Today I found out that an acquaintance of mine from high school died after an 8 year battle with breast cancer, and while I didn't know her well, we were friends on Facebook and I had been following her story.  My husband and I are attending two memorials over the next two weeks for the two friends who died last month. 

These things weigh on me.  I know people die every day, and we all lose loved ones and friends.  It's part of life, but when these things occur so close together, one on the heals of another that I haven't yet fully recovered from, the sadness of it builds up in my system on a cellular level and interferes with my ability to function.

I'm not trying to draw any conclusions, learn any lessons, or strive to improve myself through this.  No, for once, I'm just going to acknowledge and honor this part of myself.  I'm affected by this.  I know I'm not suffering in the same way as those who lost a partner, a dad, or a brother, and I'm not looking for sympathy or support.  I just want to say I'm sad.

Reset

I'm still struggling a little bit with the carb cravings since I've allowed myself to give in and eat some of the things I had been avoiding.  I'm also afraid to get on the scale and see what I've gained, so I'm avoiding that.  I am, however, eating very low carb today.  One thing I've managed to continue doing is eat under 25 grams of total carbohydrates every Monday and Tuesday, no matter how badly I might deviate from my plan for the rest of the week.

For Mothers' Day my husband and kids made me mimosas for brunch and prepared Chicken Pad Thai, as per my request, for dinner.  It was delicious.  They also gave me a new iPhone, and this whole post was just an excuse for me to play with the camera on it.  So, here are pictures of my dinner last night, and my low carb breakfast this morning.

Weighing In

My last weigh-in  was way back in March.  Well, the end of March.  Since then I have lost 3.2 pounds.  Yes, it took me the whole month of April to lose that, but you know what?  I'm counting it as a victory that I didn't gain back all the weight I had lost, considering the amount of emotional eating in which I indulged.

I ate pizza, donuts, cheesecake, potato chips, and nachos.  I drank wine and margaritas many nights.  I exercised and practiced yoga zero minutes (That's a slight exaggeration, but you know what I'm saying).  In between those little binges, though, I continued to eat low carb foods.  Finding out that I don't have to become completely derailed by occasional binges is encouraging.

I'm down to 231.8 pounds, and I'm hoping now that things have settled down somewhat I can get back to losing a pound or two a week again.  Maybe next week I'll see the 220's again.  I never thought I'd be happy to say that!  Sigh.  Well, I am happy to say it.

Living

I'm grateful for:

• breathing.
• dancing. 
• singing. 
• hugging the people I love.
• being able to tell a friend I love him and say goodbye face to face.

I'm Alive!

The month of April was emotionally intense and stressful.  Two friends died. Our dog needed two surgeries. My son needed dental work, and between the surgery and dental bills my husband and I were struggling a bit to figure out how to pay for it all without sinking into credit card debt.

The friend I mentioned the last time I wrote died a week and two days after I wrote.  I did get a chance to see him again before he passed away. He had a huge sendoff celebration starting with a motorcycle ride through town with a bunch of other bikers.  His daughter arranged for someone with a sidecar to ride with him, as it was his dying wish to ride one more time.

After the ride he gathered with friends and family at one of his favorite karaoke spots for one last night of singing and for a chance to say goodbye to those he loves.  My husband and I were there, sitting with his family.  It was,..emotional.  He sang Live Like You Were Dying, and I came undone.   After he died that song played over and over in my head.  It was there all night while I was trying to sleep, and in the morning it was still there, as insistent as it had been the previous day.  It occurred to me that perhaps this was a personal message from Jeff to me; to live like I was dying.

I spent the month of April trying to numb myself, as I do when I feel overwhelmed with stress or emotion, and the message I am taking away from Jeff's death is to plug-in, feel my emotions, and face the situations that cause me to shrink away with courage.  The message for me is to live.

Eclipses and Letting Go

I just got home after visiting with a friend of mine who is dying.  He's young.  My age exactly, give or take a day or two.  It's very sad. I'm glad I had the chance to talk to him before he passes.  I told him to text me or call if he needs anything, and I asked his kids and his sister to do the same.  I hope he will live long enough to need something and send me a text.

Tonight there will be a full lunar eclipse.  Visiting my friend on the day of the lunar eclipse seems meaningful to me, although I'm not sure in what way.  Maybe I'm just feeling extra sensitive and I'm grasping for signs and meaning in something that makes no sense to me at all.

The Lion King

I'm up .6 pounds this week.  That's probably because of the pizza I ate last night along with last weekends indulgences.  Doh!  I knew better, but I gave into temptation.  The pizza left me bloated just as I was getting dressed to go see The Lion King with my family.  I was still able to zip up those pants I found in my drawer, but they were quite a bit tighter, and I was kicking myself.

The show was wonderful!  It was a thrill to experience a big show like that through my kids' eyes.  They loved it too, and were exhilarated afterwards, chatting on the way home about their favorite parts of the show.  The costumes were amazing.  Hands down, they stole the show.

Now today it's back to real life; a house to clean, groceries to buy, and once again, outlawing pizza from my diet.

Shopping in my Closet

I'm having a busy and stressful week with lots needing to get done and a few concerns as well.

Our dog needs to have surgery.  She has infected teeth and gums, which is apparently not uncommon with smooshed-faced breeds, and she has a tumor on her leg.  I feel bad for her and worried, and of course, there is also the huge expense that comes with pet surgery.  I have worried kids too.  This comes at a time when we have several home-improvement projects and repairs needing to be done, and worrying about how to pay for everything is stressful.

There is good stuff too.  We're going to see The Lion King in a few days.  It's the first big show we've taken our kids too, so I'm really excited to see how they enjoy it, and it's a show I've been wanting to see too.  Realizing my daughters had nothing to wear to the theater, we made a day of shopping for outfits.  That was more stressful than enjoyable, but I think everyone got something they were happy with.

I didn't get myself anything to wear because I was worn out, so I figured I'd plan a day to shop by myself.  I put it off all weekend, and today I sit having the heaviest day of my period, really not wanting to go shop for clothes, knowing I need to do it. 

With the tiniest bit of hope in my heart, I went to see if I had anything in my dresser, and I found a brand new pair of black slacks.  The tag was still on them and everything!  I don't know why I never wore them, but when I looked at the size I saw they were two sizes smaller than what I've been wearing. 

I tried them on because what I've been wearing is actually very loose on me lately, and they fit!  Halle-freakin'-lujah!  Then I remembered my favorite blouse, the one that grew too small for me last year, hanging in the closet and I wondered if it would fit.  It did.  I'm so happy.  I don't have to spend money on a new outfit, and I don't have to run all over town trying on clothes.

And a couple pictures from the week so far:

We went to the park yesterday with our homeschool group, and the place was full of fragrant blossoms.

,...and the outfit that made me so happy this morning.

Felicidad

My weekly weigh-in was yesterday, and I weighed 235.0 pounds.  That is a loss of 1.6 pounds for the week.  It seems every week I reflect on what kept me from losing more weight.  Last week it was my daughter's birthday and Thai food.  This week it was dinner at the Mexican restaurant, but the thing is, my weight is still going down despite the fact that I am out there living life, getting pleasure from the food I eat, and enjoying occasional treats.  That's a huge win in my eyes, even if the weight loss is slower than I had hoped when I started.

And this is yesterday's thing of beauty:

I've only had margaritas twice in the last three months, and I loved every sip.

Wet Flowers

Oops, almost forgot to post the picture I took today.  It's more wet flowers.  The sun showed up for a half hour today, and it just so happened to be the time I was out running to the store a few essentials I needed to make dinner.  The air was crisp and fresh after a downpour for a good part of the day.  I was happy to get out during the brief sunny part.

Beautiful and Fiery

This is the fire opal ring that my husband gave to me for our 25th anniversary.  It's extra special to me because it belonged to his mum, and she gave it to him to give to me.  It reminds me that I am loved dearly by my in-laws, and that warms my heart.

Opal is also my birthstone, and I love this ring.

Mmmm Meat

Yep, I'm sharing a picture of my dinner for today's 30 Day Beauty Challenge picture because a healthy home cooked meal is a beautiful thing.

We had pork sirloin and roasted garlic Parmesan asparagus.  Not too long ago if there wasn't potatoes, rice, pasta or a dinner roll on my plate it didn't feel like I'd eaten a complete meal.  This meal was, however, very satisfying.  My perception has changed and I no longer feel cheated if I don't have a big dose of carbohydrates for dinner.

Clouds in My Coffee

Most mornings the first thing I do is grab a mug, pour some coffee, add some creamer and walk away from the mug to put the creamer back in the fridge.  Today, it occurred to me that I was missing out on 3 seconds of pleasure that every coffee with cream drinker can easily enjoy.

Clouds in my coffee.

And stirring too vigorously makes bubbles.  Tomorrow I'm going to handle my coffee routine more gently and more intentionally.

Self Acceptance

I saw this today, and it really just says so much.  I've been trying to explain to a couple of people how loving myself could lead me to leave some people behind.  I've been trying to remain kind to the people I've left behind and not criticize or judge them.  I've been saying it's about how I respond to that person more than it is about how that person behaves.

All of that is true, and not exactly true.  Yes, it is also about the bad behavior of the person or people I have left behind, but my response to it is the more important aspect, I suppose.

I missed taking a picture yesterday, and I'm cheating today by sharing a picture I saw on the internet.  I'll look for something beautiful again in my world tomorrow.  Today I was cleaning toilets.

Two on Friday

I waited till the end of the day yesterday to remember to look for something beautiful to appreciate.  It was a busy day, and besides that, I was preoccupied with a few worries.  We took my daughter out for dinner for her twentieth birthday last night, and then bought here a cute bicycle she's been wanting.  It's not built for serious riding, but it's fun, and it caught her eye, and she wanted it, so we were happy to buy it.  She's trying to hold onto her child-like wonder for as long as she can, I think, and that is something to celebrate.

When we left the store I looked up and saw these gorgeous clouds.  The picture doesn't do them justice, but the beautiful sunset is a reminder to me that longer sunny days are on their way.

And now this morning, my daughter is all set to go out and take a leisurely ride around the neighborhood on her bike.  The song, Bicycle Built for Two is running through my head, even though it isn't relevant at all.  It's the only bicycle song I know!

It needs a basket up front and a bell and some tassels on the handlebars!

And look at what a gorgeous sunny day we're having!

Also, it's Friday, and I hopped on the scale.  I weigh 236.6.  That's a loss of 1.2 pounds for the week.  I think it would have been more if we hadn't gone out for Thai food and had birthday cake last night, (I weighed 235 the day before.) but I'm happy to forget about numbers on a scale and enjoy a celebratory meal and dessert once in a while.

I have something else really cool to report.  There is leftover birthday cake today, and I decided to have a slice with my coffee this morning because, you know, we don't have cake in the house often these days, and we don't have any more birthdays coming up for quite awhile, and well, because it is my favorite kind of cake...

I had two bites and found that I really wasn't as happy with it as I thought I'd be.  It's dense, and sweet, and full of white flour, and I think I've developed a taste for healthier foods, so it wasn't that great.  I pushed the plate away and didn't finish it, and I have no desire for any more cake for a while.