Giving Up,...

On this 2-day cleanse.  I almost gave up last night because I was so hungry, and my head was really hurting, but I hung in there and had a very fitful night sleep.  I had to get up around 6 times to pee.  I did wake up feeling pretty good, though, and that tummy bloat I've had for the last couple of days was gone, not the fat, but the extra bloat, which accounted for a lot of discomfort. 

The problem is, it's dinner time, and facing that bland cabbage soup is making me gag.  I did make some and ate a few bites, but I can't choke any more down.  I decided this has passed the point of being kind to myself, and has become punishment.  I'm going to eat dinner, and start the day with a healthy breakfast tomorrow, and try to continue being kind by avoiding junk and eating well. 

I hope my day and a half cleanse benefited my body at least a little.

Two Days, and I'm Not Excited About This.

I'm trying this 2 day cleanse just to see what happens.  I'm on day one.  I've had breakfast and lunch, and all I can tell you so far is I do not find quinoa with prunes at all appetizing or enjoyable.

I should be able to do this for two days.  Right? 

Update:  I've made it through one day of the cleanse, and I'm sitting here drinking some dandelion root tea before bed.  I am hungry, and I can't even look forward to eating tomorrow because the thought of that cabbage soup and quinoa with prunes is making me gag.  I'm craving fat and salt like crazy.  A small bowl of cottage cheese sounds like heaven to me right now. 

Oh well, it will be especially nice to get back to eating normally again.  It's only two days.

Really? A Test So Soon?

Today I've done something to my back. I've thrown it out somehow, which is hilarious because I was just sitting on the couch when suddenly I was in big pain and found I could barely walk when I got up. That's how funny getting old is.  Not. 

It has spoiled my plans for the weekend, and it has shown me how fragile my fresh new outlook is. I have to learn that shit's gonna happen, and I can't just give up when it does.

Right now, though? I'm in pain, and I kinda want to give up a little. I'll be okay, just feeling sorry for myself. And that's okay too. I hurt, and I am sorry for myself. So there. I'm really glad I still have ten days before that yoga class.

When Are You Going to Stop?

When? 2014.  Now.  "Tired," doesn't even begin to describe how I've felt this past year.

"When are you going to stop taking your cues from others about what you should be and do in life? When are you going to stop denying your authentic self to satisfy the expectations and scripts others have put on you? When are you going to start listening to that voice inside you? When are you going to start trusting your own internal guidance system? When is the violation of your true self going to be a bigger violation than displeasing others? When are you going to stop playing the futile game of measuring up? When are you going to accept that simply being you is enough? When are you going to see that your worth and value is an intrinsic, unchanging and irrefutable fact, and not a tenuous and questionable proposition that you have to fight for every day?

Aren't you tired yet?"

- Jim Palmer, Notes from (Over) the Edge

Read this passage again, and see which sentences stir something in your gut.  This one did it for me:

  
"When is the violation of your true self going to be a bigger violation than displeasing others?"

Now I've Done It

I signed up for a yoga class.  I'm nervous, but I guess that's normal anytime one tries something new.  I'm afraid when I get to the class I'll be the biggest person there.  I'm afraid I'll be clumsy and awkward.  I'm afraid people will judge me, but those are worse case scenarios, and even if all of those things happen I'll be okay and better for having taken the risk.

The class is all paid for; now all I have to do is show up.  I still have eleven days before the first class of the session.  I'll use that time to shop for a new yoga outfit. Oh, and I'll get a pedicure too!  Now I'm excited.

Newness

I'm grateful for:

• a fresh outlook.
• finally being well after 3 weeks of illness.
• days that are getting longer again.
• being courageous.
• being assertive.

Looking Ahead

I'm looking forward to being present, awake, and alive in 2014.  I've adopted a goal of unconditional acceptance and radical self-love, and I don't know if it's the moon and the stars, a supernatural force, or my imagination, but I'm feeling a definite shift in that direction.  My perspective has changed and some of the fog that has surrounded me in the last year or two has lifted.

With the lifting of that fog, I can see that the last year has been even more difficult than I had realized.  I have spent so much time numbing myself and not letting myself feel things.  I've spent so much time chasing after, "The thing," that will make me healthier and happier and whole.  No wonder I spent the year exhausted.  "The thing," doesn't exist outside of myself.  It doesn't come in a pill.  I can't squeeze it out of a vegetable that I grew in the ground, although I sure as hell tried.  (I'm not giving up on healthy eating and exercise, by the way.  Just saying it's not, "The thing.")

I think maybe some people gave up on me in 2013 because I haven't been able to be there for them in the same way I had in the past.  Despite my best efforts to support them, love them, and stay in touch while still doing what I needed to do for myself, I think a couple of them have written me off and moved on.  And you know what?  I've decided that's really okay.  I was feeling so much weight from their expectations, whether they were real or imagined on my part.  Now that the weight of my failure to meet the expectations of others is gone I feel free to move forward.

What needs to go will go.  What needs to come will come.  Welcome 2014!