Positive Checklist

Some positive things I've done for my health and happiness lately:

• Cooking and eating more whole foods and less processed junk which has helped me narrow down some sensitivities, especially mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, and MSG all containing soy.   Because I've been feeling better eating real food I really notice it when one of those things sneak in, like they did during Thanksgiving dinner.
• Walking a few times a week.
• Bought a new mattress in the quest for better sleep.  I think the mattress is better than what we had, but it hasn't eliminated my sore back and waking up feeling very stiff and sore.  That was a disappointment, and I'm not sure if I should keep trying mattresses or accept the fact that, at this weight, I'm always sore and stiff.
• Ordered progesterone and am really hoping it makes a difference.  I'll let you know!
• Started taking vitamin D.  It's that time of year.
• Reaching out to friends a little bit more.
• Counting my blessings a little bit more.
• Giving myself props for positive action, as in this list.
• Making space for healing by filtering out some of the "noise" that has been distracting and irritating me.  More specifically, taking a break from Facebook.  I've been feeling very sensitive this Fall, and I needed to put some filters up to keep from taking in energy that works against me. 
• Getting dressed, including putting on shoes in the morning.
• Saying, "No," when I need to.
• Saying, "Yes," when it is good for me to do so. (Like accepting social invitations and offers of help.)
• Working on kind and compassionate self-talk.

I just needed to remind myself that a lot of positive action is taking place.

Convenience

I'm grateful for:

• my dishwasher, washer, and dryer.
• hot showers.
• clean sheets.
• leftovers in the fridge.
• heat at the touch of a button.

NOT a Happy Thanksgiving

I do not know what possessed me to get on the scale this morning.  I actually thought it would be a nice surprise.  I feel like I've been making progress.

256.6 lbs.

That is 4.2 lbs more than I weighed when I first weighed in on this blog.  It's 10+ lbs. more than I thought I weighed.  That would explain why I'm so sore and tired and why just walking down the hall and getting dressed makes me feels winded.

This news has wrecked my day.  I should have let myself have one more day of denial because now I have to be pleasant company for the Thanksgiving festivities, and I'm not feeling pleasant at all.

I think I need to go back to weighing myself everyday.  It is just too easy for me to put on blinders and not face what I'm really dealing with.

Maybe some of this is not my fault. I'm having so much trouble sleeping.  I've been moody, and PMS is worse for me than it's ever been.  I'm in those perimenopause years, so maybe hormones are working against me right now.  After doing some reading on the subject I ordered some progesterone cream.  It should be here at the beginning of the week.  I am hoping against hope that it makes a difference.

An article by Dr. Christiane Northrup:  Estrogen Dominance

I'm going to leave myself and you with this thought from the article:

"Remember, perimenopause is a time to reinvent yourself. This means investing time and energy in yourself, not everyone else."

Feeling It Today

Unlike yesterday's great walk, today's walk kicked my butt!  I walked excruciatingly slow, was out of breath, and my hip flexors were screaming.  I guess after pushing myself to go faster and further yesterday I was still recovering today.

Instead of feeling discouraged by it, though, I actually took it as a sign that some muscle strengthening happened yesterday, and I feel encouraged.  I look forward to the day when my current walk is a breeze and I need to walk longer distances and find steeper hills to challenge myself.

The decision to hold myself to the one, and only one, expectation of getting dressed in the morning has worked out very well for me this week.  It's so much easier to face going out for a walk when I'm already dressed with shoes on than it is when I'm sitting comfy in my p.j.'s, fuzzy slippers, and cozy bathrobe.  I've found the usual house cleaning and dinner making easier to do this week too.

Tomorrow I'm making sweet potato casserole and a chocolate trifle to take to my sister's for Thanksgiving.  So, I guess for me, unlike those who will be cooking a great big meal, it will be a day of rest.

Thanksgiving

I'm grateful for:

• my sister who is hosting Thanksgiving at her house this year.
• an easy stress-free holiday coming up.
• my parents who are healthy and close-by. 
• my in-laws who are also healthy and close-by.
• those of you who read and give me a reason to write and share my journey.

 Happy Thanksgiving!

Feeling Accomplished

I took another walk with my daughter today, and for the first time in a long time I actually felt like maybe I was getting stronger.  We walked faster and further than we normally do, and I marched up one of our hills more easily than the day before.  It seems that maybe some of those small changes have been making a difference which provides much needed encouragement.

Strength

I'm grateful for:

• a whole week of sunshine!
• the fact that my body is getting stronger.
• having healthy food choices in my fridge and pantry.
• a friendly neighborhood to walk around and about.
• hope.

Standing in My Power

Feeling empowered after a nice tarot reading last night, I got dressed this morning and made a healthy smoothie for breakfast.  After breakfast my oldest daughter and I took a walk.    

I have a standing, monthly lunch date with my mom, mother-in-law, and a few other relatives.  We met last Friday and my husband's cousin's wife came for the first time with her daughter.  I'll call her, "Lucy."  When I heard Lucy was going to be there I almost stayed home because a few months ago she made a comment about my weight, and I've been avoiding her ever since then. 

I decided, though, that part of loving and accepting myself is not caring about what people think of me and not letting their thoughtlessness be a reason to imprison myself, so I went to lunch. I was gracious and kind despite the fact that Lucy made a point of talking about nutrition and the small size of her portions as if she were "helping" me by being an example of discipline and righteous eating. 

I would, however, love to be thinner next time we all get together because I feel so vulnerable at this weight, and Lucy let us know that she'll be attending future lunch dates.

I suppose seeing Lucy is why I have been thinking a lot about my weight again, and I why I, for the hundredth time, asked the tarot cards if I could expect success in losing some this time around, but I don't want to lose weight to impress Lucy and people like her.  I want to feel my power and strength in the face of critics like Lucy no matter what I weigh, and I had the perfect opportunity to start practicing during my lunch date.  Maybe that is where this new empowered feeling is coming from.

Safety

I'm grateful for:

• the sun shining this week.
• the unconditional love of my immediate family.
• healthy and safe kids. (I was scared over the weekend by a fatality on our corner right around the time my son was driving in that exact spot, but he answered his phone when I called to make sure he was okay.)
• new resolve.
• my mind.

Dressed and Fed

I got dressed today, as I promised myself I'd do.  I also managed to accomplish a few more things on my To-Do list.  It may sound like I'm aiming low, but honestly, I'm proud of myself for getting even one thing crossed off my list right now.

I made a batch of sugar cookie dough and will roll them out and bake them tomorrow.  Then I'll freeze them so they'll be ready for frosting closer to Christmas. 

I got a couple of loads of laundry done and made my bed.

I made a delicious, soul-feeding, stick to your ribs dinner.  No, it was not low fat or light or particularly healthy except for the fact that it was made with all real food (and that's healthy enough for me!).  I do find that we all eat less when I make a meal like this than when we have take-out or fast food.  It's like those calories, even though they are heavy on the fat side, are real fuel and not just fluff, so we don't keep eating and eating, trying to feed ourselves real fuel that's not there.

Tomorrow I'll get dressed in the morning again and go from there.

Nourishment

I'm grateful for:

• home-cooked meals, even if I am the one doing the cooking.
• the ability to nourish my family and getting their praise and appreciation in return.
• my always-needs-cleaning kitchen that has everything I need to get the job done. 
• butter.
• cheese.

Hangin' Up My Slippers

I'm gonna keep this short.  I'm planning to start checking in more often.  Dare I hope for a daily note, even if it's just to say I'm still hangin' in there?  We'll see. 

I'm struggling a little bit.  The Winter Blahs have set in and when those set in early, like they have done this year, the blahs clash, BIG time, with my Holiday Shit-Storm.  The Holiday Shit-Storm is when I run around with an expectation of perfection and try to do it all, but I always fall short.

Cookies, homemade wrapping paper, snowflakes with the kids, parties, shopping, beautiful decorations.

How on earth am I going to accomplish that in the state I'm in?  I won't.  So, right now, I'm going to just have one expectation of myself, and that is...wait for it.  It's a biggie. 

I'm going to get dressed when I wake up.

Yeah, that's it.  I've been living in my pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and bathrobe, and call me crazy, but I  just don't feel that energetic or productive in that getup, so I'm going to make a point of getting dressed when I wake up, instead of 5 minutes before my husband is due home.

What happens when the Winter Blues and the Holiday Shit-Storm occur concurrently?   I have to lower my expectations, that's what.

Comfort

I'm grateful for:

• the fact that every new day is a new beginning.
• a warm, cozy house.
• my patient (with me) and supportive husband.
• my kids who are just SO good and funny and kind.
• my fuzzy slippers, which are perfect for relaxing and unwinding, but not ideal for wearing all day, every day.