Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I got out of the juicing groove over the holiday weekend, but I've been eating more whole foods and less processed stuff as a whole and am feeling better, I think.  I'm not as bloated.  I sort of wish I had weighed myself to see if it was making a difference there, but then I'd be setting myself up for disappointment.  I'll just settle for feeling less bloated and for feeling proud of myself for each step I take toward being healthier.

Breakfast Smoothie: mixed berries, spinach, kefir, coconut milk and chia seeds

Friday, May 24, 2013


Juice of cabbage, spinach, parsley, lemon and apple with quinoa, yogurt, and berries.


Tilapia in garlic butter sauce and roasted broccoli with parmesan.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

I planned a menu for the week and wrote my grocery list.  I went to go get dressed and realized I have no clean clothes.  Laundry.  That's another one of those systems of mine that have broken down.  Oh well, one thing at a time.  Clothes are in the wash, and when they're dry, I'll go shopping.

I'm actually looking forward to having some real food to eat again. I know the effort is worth it.

A few of the items on this week's menu are:
  1. Garlic herbed tilapia, roasted broccoli, mashed potatoes.
  2. Chicken Florentine Lasagna
  3. Country style ribs, sweet mashed potatoes, and  green beans
I'm only planning half a week for now because I'm planning another trip to grocery store on Monday.  When I plan my menu, I only plan 5 meals because I account for the fact that I get tired of cooking every night of the week and at least one night of the week everyone tends to do their own thing or eat leftovers.

I also planned for more green juice, and I'm going to get back to drinking Kefir everyday.  I'm hoping that will help with some of the, um, gastric symptoms I've been experiencing as of late. 

I'm going to try quinoa for breakfast.  I need to find some good protein for the morning.  I wish I were not allergic to eggs because I sure love a good omelet with spinach, onions, and feta.  Maybe I'll like quinoa just as much. Sigh.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Today is day seven of the 7-Day Juice Challenge that I started (a couple of weeks after everyone else) after seeing it posted at the Food Matters website.  I wish I could say I feel so good that I'm a juicing convert.  I wish I could say I feel just a tiny bit better, but I don't.

I don't think that means juicing isn't a good start for me in my quest for health and more energy.  It could mean:
  1. I have underlying issues that will take more time for the nutrients via juicing to address.
  2. I have underlying issues that the juicing will never address, and I need to explore other options.
  3. No amount of healthy juice will make me feel better as long as I continue to subsist on a steady diet of boxed mac and cheese, instant mashed potatoes, ramen noodles, and pizza.
Number 3 seems like the common sense answer, huh?

Since I've made myself a recluse, my whole family has been eating a lot of garbage.  My husband texts me everyday and asks if I need him to pick anything up from the store on his way home, and my answer is usually, "Dinner," and since he knows I usually mean something I don't have to cook,  dinner is usually something processed and convenient.  He also brings home stuff that will "fill the hole" for the other meals of the day; bread, canned soups, chips, and stuff like that.  He does bring home a few whole food staples too, and they would be happily consumed by all if I would actually cook something. 

This makes me feel really guilty.  It is just one way my depression is affecting the health of my whole family.  So, I think the next very important change I need to make is to get back to the chore of making a weekly menu and doing the weekly grocery shopping.

It's something I used to do routinely, but right now it takes tremendous energy and seems very overwhelming.  There is a lot involved in getting to the grocery store that I have been avoiding for several months, things like wearing a bra, brushing my hair, finding clothes to wear that won't be featured on the newest post at the People of Walmart website, and being seen by other people.

It is going to require a serious commitment and some discipline.  I'm going to hate it, but I think as the weeks go by it will make a huge difference.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A couple of weeks ago my aunt posted a picture of me at a family barbeque on Facebook.  I was horrified when I saw the picture.  Now everyone is going to know I'm fat! I thought.  As if a picture somehow opens everyone's eyes to what I am.  It opened my eyes.  I go around with a much thinner image of myself in my head until I see a picture of myself or really look in the mirror, and then I think that, possibly, I distort that image and make it large and grotesque. 

I asked my aunt to take the picture down.  She complied, which relieved a lot of stress for me, but before she took it down I was curled up in bed in the fetal position, obsessing over the fact that a fat picture of me was on the internet.  I decided to try to practice a little kind self talk, and I imagined another version of myself stroking my hair and saying, "There, there,...I love you."  A tear formed in the corner of one of my eyes, and then the self-loving version of myself said, "You are precious."

At those words something inside me screamed, "The woman in that picture is NOT precious," and I started bawling.  There it was.  That deeply held, but never consciously acknowledged belief that the way I look determines whether or not I deserve love.  It determines my worth as a person.  I didn't think I believed that, but I can't deny it any longer.  I don't know how to fix that belief.  It's just there in a spot I can't reach.

I can't show you the picture because I didn't save it, and my aunt has removed it from the internet.  I don't want to ask her to send it to me, although I could.  I did tell her how I was struggling with my appearance.  She would understand perfectly if I told her I wanted to hold onto the picture as a way of accepting myself.  I took another picture of myself today, though, so I can put it on the internet, which is stressing me the hell out, but it seems like a first step in accepting and loving myself.

I'm posting this, not only as an act of acceptance, but as an act of faith in myself.  I'm going to need a before picture, right?

Oh!  And later in the evening, sometime after my meltdown over calling myself precious, someone posted the following on Facebook:

 It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don't really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up silent with our chests rising & falling with our own rhythm. We don't see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see yourself looking at someone with love and care in your heart. There's no mirror in your way when your laughing and smiling and pure happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly your authentic self. 
 Somehow I was able to accept this as absolutely true about myself.  There is so much more to a person than could ever be captured in a snapshot.  A picture can never show how beautiful I really am.

Monday, May 20, 2013

I almost didn't drink my juice today.  I did four days, and then today I almost blew it off, like I almost always do with brand new goals, like I've been afraid I would do again this time.  Then my son started a conversation with his dad and me by saying, "What would you guys think if I quit college and got a job?"  The conversation included a lot of talk about setting goals, following through, establishing routines, discipline, and yeah, I felt like a big fat hypocrite. 

After our talk I got off my butt and made some juice.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I am taking action.  For a long time I talked about doing something, thought about it, and wrote about it, but now I'm doing something.  It's a small something and it doesn't feel like it's making a difference yet, but that is my problem.

I  very quickly become impatient with myself.

"I walked 2 miles two days in a row!  Why am I not thin yet?!"

That's why I give up.  Impatience.  I'm going to try to be more patient with myself and the process this time.  I've done it before.  I kept telling myself, "You can't fail if you don't give up." 

The first small change I'm making is daily juicing.  I always thought juicing was too radical, something for health kooks, but after watching Hungry for Change, (available on Netflix right now) I became inspired to add one glass of green juice a day to my diet. 
Typical daily green juice: spinach, kale, cabbage, pineapple, lemon, ginger

So far I'm not noticing any benefits.  But then, it's only day four.  Silly me, I was actually tempted to declare the practice useless.  I'll stick with it, though.

I wish it worked like magic, though.  I wish I suddenly felt energetic and no longer craved pizza and burritos. Oh, well.  I'm not giving up.

Friday, May 17, 2013

I'm not sure how long I've been depressed, but I am depressed.  Again.  In the past, when I've been depressed my doctor has prescribed anti-depressants.  I am resisting that method of treating my depression this time.  One time I cured my depression through exercise.  I know it's possible for me. 

Anti-depressants are hellish for me during the adjustment phase, and even after that they make me feel flat.  I don't feel hopeless, bored, and irritable, but neither do I feel joy.  I don't sleep when I take anti-depressants, so my doctor usually prescribes a 2nd medication to help me sleep.  Those medications also have undesirable side effects for me, and the last one I took worked really well for a long time, until it started causing violent muscle spasms.  So, because I needed to sleep, I started drinking wine in the evenings.  It worked, but I became dependent on alcohol for sleep, just the same as one becomes dependent on sleeping medication, except that wine has way more calories, especially when you drink a whole bottle every night. More meds?  No, thank you.

While I've been sitting here depressed, every day wanting to start doing what I need to do to wake up again, I've been gaining weight.  That is keeping me stuck.  I can't tell you how much weight I've gained because I'm afraid to get on the scale.  I'm mortified by how I look, though, and because I've outgrown even my fat clothes I've become a recluse.  I almost never leave the house; not to get the mail, not to go grocery shopping, not to have dinner with my husband, and not to spend time with my friends. 

On the rare occasions that I do go out I feel uncomfortable and self conscious the entire time.  My friends tell me I'm beautiful, and yes, they can see I've gained weight, but I'm not huge, and I'm not grotesque, and that I'm being way too hard on myself.  I'm sure they are right, and yet, I remain mortified by myself.  Besides, none of my clothes fit me anymore so I live in sweatpants and pajamas.  I don't want to go buy bigger clothes.  It's expensive and painful for me.  Been there, done that, got the size XXL t-shirt.  I'm probably going to have to at some point, but I keep telling myself I will lose weight and wear my old clothes, but that's a little like bashing myself over the head with a frying pan over and over.

So, that's the backstory.  Now you know why I have to change.  One step at a time, I will learn to first accept myself, then love myself, than take care of myself the way I deserve to be cared for.