Finding The Track and Getting Back

It's time for me to wake up and become a major player in my life again.  I've been disengaged the last couple of months, but I'm ready to stop thinking about the things I could do to feel happier, healthier, and more present and start doing them.  I had a wake-up call regarding my health recently.  I'm fine, I think, still probably need a trip to the doctor, but a wake up call was needed, and I'm working proactively to live as well as I can.

I installed an app on my phone called, "Lift," to help me track my goals.  I've only started with a few, aiming to get a daily yoga practice happening five days a week, fifteen minutes of tackling problem areas in my house each day, and clean eating five days a week.  Oh!  And I added a goal to actually check in with my calendar and to do list each morning.

I did my yoga this morning, and I'll admit that the main reason I did it was so I could check it off in the app -- it would be a shame to fail on the first day --

but I did it.

My Clothes Are Getting Bigger

I am feeling great!  I just wanted to put that out there.  I'll elaborate.

I just finished my Intro to Yoga series, and it was really good for me.  There were physical benefits, but the emotional and mental benefits might eclipse the physical ones.  The teacher of the class was great, and I learned even more to accept the body that I have right now.  She really emphasized not comparing ourselves to others and how different and wonderful all of our bodies are.  It was also really important for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new.  I used to do that all the time, but somehow forgot I was that kind of woman.

I'm going to take another intro series because my daughter wants to take it too, and she wanted someone to go with her.  I'm thrilled that she'll be joining me.  The class doesn't start until the 5th of next month, so I'm thinking of catching a couple of the regular gentle classes next week.

This is week two of my new eating plan, and I love it!  I've discovered new recipes, and I've discovered I need a lot less bread and pasta to be happy than I thought I needed.  I'm still losing weight, although not as quickly as I did in week one.  My husband is also losing weight, and it's really nice to have someone in the house who is eating the same meals as I am.  Last night we had jalapeño bites.  The jalapeños are stuffed with cream cheese, feta or goat cheese, parmesan cheese, tomatoes and cilantro.  I used salsa because I didn't have tomatoes and cilantro on hand.  Then you wrap them in bacon and bake at 375 degrees for about 25 minutes.

In other news, today before going out shopping when I got dressed I noticed the shirt I put on felt a lot bigger on me than it had the last time I wore it.  That was a nice surprise!  It was the same shirt I wore for a picture I posted a few months ago, so I made a side by side comparison.  Now, I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think most of what I have lost has been around the middle, so you can definitely see the difference, or at least, I can.  I can feel the difference too, and that is a nice feeling.

August 2013                                                                               February 2014

You can't see my waistline in the second picture because the shirt hangs down and hides it instead of hugging my hips like in the first, but it's in there!

Update

I went to my first yoga class last night, and it was good!  My worst fears were not realized.  I was not the only overweight woman there.  I wasn't even the biggest woman there.  I never felt judged or pitied.  Nobody looked at me like they were thinking, "You can't do yoga.  What are you doing here?"  It seems silly, in retrospect, that I entertained any of those "what if," thoughts and fears because my experience was so far from being like my fears and very much what I had hoped it would be.

I'm also eating a different way, trying a new plan, but I don't want to say too much about it until I find out if it's going to be sustainable as a lifestyle or if it's just another wild hair that isn't going to last and will leave me feeling like a failure.  So far, it has promise.

That's all.

Really? A Test So Soon?

Today I've done something to my back. I've thrown it out somehow, which is hilarious because I was just sitting on the couch when suddenly I was in big pain and found I could barely walk when I got up. That's how funny getting old is.  Not. 

It has spoiled my plans for the weekend, and it has shown me how fragile my fresh new outlook is. I have to learn that shit's gonna happen, and I can't just give up when it does.

Right now, though? I'm in pain, and I kinda want to give up a little. I'll be okay, just feeling sorry for myself. And that's okay too. I hurt, and I am sorry for myself. So there. I'm really glad I still have ten days before that yoga class.

Now I've Done It

I signed up for a yoga class.  I'm nervous, but I guess that's normal anytime one tries something new.  I'm afraid when I get to the class I'll be the biggest person there.  I'm afraid I'll be clumsy and awkward.  I'm afraid people will judge me, but those are worse case scenarios, and even if all of those things happen I'll be okay and better for having taken the risk.

The class is all paid for; now all I have to do is show up.  I still have eleven days before the first class of the session.  I'll use that time to shop for a new yoga outfit. Oh, and I'll get a pedicure too!  Now I'm excited.

Easy or Not?

I did some morning sun salutes today to get the ball rolling on some physical activity again.  I love myself, and I'm learning to accept my appearance as lovely, but I do not like the way I feel physically.  I do not like the way I have trouble sleeping most nights.  I do not like waking up feeling stiff and sore.  I do not like the way I lose my breath just from showering and getting dressed quickly.

There is just no way around it.  I cannot be healthy and physically fit if I sit on my butt all day.

I did a Google search looking for affirmations that would help me enjoy exercise and found some nice ones at DrStandley.com, but I also realized why I resist the whole affirmation thing.  I read things like this: 

Remember to write or say any of the below listed affirmations at least 40X daily for 40 days. It takes 40 days to impress upon the unconscious "reacting" mind all that you desire and dream.

And this:

If you get side-tracked and miss a day then go back to Day 1 and start over.

And POOF!  Away goes that belief I've been embracing that changing a thought or pattern is, "easy."

Anyway, I'm going to forget I read that whole "40 times a day for 40 days," and "if you miss a day go back to day one," bullshit and keep saying to myself that I choose to believe changing a thought or a pattern is easy, and I'm going to work on adding a few nice things about exercise to my inner dialogue too. 

Maybe it does take 40 days of constantly saying something to turn it into an actual belief, but if that's the case, I'm not going to put myself through it.  I'm not going to give myself another reason to feel like a failure and like I can't follow through on something.  The TRUTH is, I have completed and followed through on many things.  There are times I have changed a thought or a pattern easily.  Or maybe it wasn't easy so much as something I was so invested in that the work didn't seem like a burden. 

It's time to be passionately invested in myself.

(That felt selfish and wrong to say.  I'll work on rewiring that thought too.)




 

Progress Report

I'm getting closer to living one of those ordinary days in my perfect life. For the last four days I've worked in my garden, planting, harvesting, and weeding; I've had a breakfast smoothie, complete with spinach from my little garden, and I've done a little basic yoga, not outside in my backyard, but in the privacy of my living room, even though the weather has been perfect.

 I've gotten a much later start each day than I'd like, but better late than never. The yoga has gotten easier after just four days, which amazes me. The first day when I tried moving from a cobra position into a downward dog, which requires flipping my toes and pushing my bottom into the air, I couldn't do it. I figured I was too bulky and heavy, and that movement was just not possible for someone my size. I can do it now.

 

I've really been enjoying my garden this week too.  It's just a little one, but when I look at it, I make plans in my head for additions to it.  I love watching the things I planted grow.  My kids are loving it too.  This is the first vegetable garden I've ever grown, and it's gratifying to be learning something new alongside them. 

There are other positive changes coming, to be sure, but for now I'm going to rest with this new routine I've created and get very comfortable with it before I try to add something new.  It seems to be working.  I can feel the clouds of depression lifting and burning off with the sun, and I'm looking forward to the day when getting dressed and walking out the front door feels normal again instead of being a stress-inducing chore.

Fresh Start!

I've been doing a fair job of keeping up with my first couple of goals that I set for myself.  I have had a morning smoothie,...most days,...and I've made dinner out of real food for myself and my family,...most days.  There has been some pizza and potato chips, but it has never been my goal to cut anything I enjoy out of my life entirely, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I finally got around to trying sun salutations today.  I just found a quick little video on Youtube and gave it a go.  I felt a bit like a beached whale trying to move from pose to pose, but it is my goal to memorize and practice these few poses each morning until I master them.

Also, I had a moment of bravery today and hopped on the scale.  Ack!  I weigh 5 pounds more than my all time high, but it's 5 or 10 pounds less than I had feared, so overall it's good news for me today.  I'm glad I finally faced that monster (the number on the scale) that has been lurking and keeping me scared. 

I'm trying really hard not to hate myself for gaining back all of the weight, plus 5 pounds more, that I had previously lost.  Water under the bridge, right?  No use crying over spilled milk, and all that rot, yeah? Yeah! Okay, 30 second pity party over.

In honor of my new goal and having a number to measure my progress I'm posting a new "before" picture:

 

 

It feels more official and less wishy-washy now that I've posted actual stats.  While weight loss isn't my only goal, being overweight is one of the biggest factors keeping me from living joyfully and healthfully, which is my ultimate goal.

Well, my morning routine experiment didn't happen.  I couldn't sleep last night because of both a sick little girl and mind chatter.  Mostly mind chatter.  So, when my alarm went off at 9:00 am, not 7:00 because I decided to be gentle with myself since I have not been up before 11:00 am in a long time, I turned it off and rolled over.

I'm going to have to work myself into an earlier waking time.  I really would like to see what listening to morning bird song and drinking fresh hot coffee on the back deck feels like.

I'm also going to look up how to do sun salutations because, although I can envision myself doing them every morning in my perfect life, I have never actually done them.

I did get some really good ideas for my novel, though, and I got some gardening time in.  For lunch I had a salad made with fresh spinach cut from my very own garden.  That's the first time in my life I've ever done that.

I'm not giving up on the morning routine experiment, just delaying it until I can get a good night's rest.