Trying to Stay Awake

I feel myself falling asleep again, so soon after waking up.  That's what the last episode of depression  felt like.  I didn't feel sad or scared, or at all angry, as I have in past.  Numb.  Asleep.  That's how I felt, and I can feel myself sliding back down into that.

So, I thought I would start walking again.  I wondered if I could just force myself to do it, knowing the positive effect it would have on my mood and health.  I made a plan to begin a couple of days ago, washed my clothes and set out my walking shoes.

Then I stepped off the deck and twisted my ankle.

I won't be walking for a few days.

Do you see an ankle?  I don't.

Read This, Siddaleah.

I'm still alive. TOTALLY relapsed into old habits (except boxed mac-n-cheese and instant mashed potatoes.  None of that for months.)

I'm just putting a link to this blog post here so I can read it later.  It's about how Roni lost 70 lbs., and I want to read what she has to say because she started with accepting and loving herself, and then from a quick glimpse it looks like she ate healthy food and moved more. 

Anyway, that's it for now.  I'm really exhausted after a difficult week, (of doing nothing) so that's all I have to say today.

Pretty Toes

I went and got a pedicure today for the first time in at least two years.  I was afraid to go to the place I used to go, because I thought the ladies there would talk about how fat I had gotten.  Maybe that's silly, but you know, I always wonder what they are saying when they talk in Vietnamese and then giggle.  I was also afraid I'd be the fattest woman there.  I was sure a bunch of skinny, young girls would be there getting their toes done for the weekend.

I was wrong.  I wasn't the fattest lady there, and I wasn't the oldest, and none of the ladies that worked there two years ago were even there.  Besides, what if I had been right?  So, what? It's funny (not funny, ha ha, but funny, odd) how I create scenarios in my head that keep me from doing the things I'd like to do, scenarios that paint myself as some distorted, ugly version of the truth.  Maybe I'm trying to hurt myself before anyone else can do it to me, but the thing is, rarely does anyone ever hurt me in the way I fear they will.

Anyway, I have pretty toes today.

Success

Trying to remember this today after getting on the scale and seeing an all time high number.  I'm also trying to remember that I accept myself unconditionally. 

My hair looks fabulous today, by the way.

Four Day Weekends

I have not done a good job the last four days of sticking to my plan of not eating after dinner and eating mostly healthy stuff during the day.  Weekends are always hard for me.  Weekends are some kind of hedonistic trigger or something.  I need to satisfy every craving I've had all week, and then the weekend sort of trickles into the week, and if I'm not careful it becomes my new rut.

So, tomorrow, I start anew.  Wednesday.  Just two days away from the weekend. 

I need to figure out a new way to deal with weekends.

Going Out!

I'm breaking one of those barriers tonight and going out to meet some friends.  I'm going to break another one and post a picture of myself that is not just a headless body.  In this picture I'm wearing more flattering clothes too.  You know, clothes that don't stretch and show every bump and dimple.  It's a pretty subdued and boring outfit for a night out, but I didn't feel like dressing up.  I'm saving that for that wedding we're attending next weekend.

That gunk is on the mirror, not my shirt.  I guess I'll wipe down the mirror

. :-P

And now I'm running late!  See ya later!

So Far, So Good.

For two days in a row now I've not eaten anything after dinner.  It hasn't been all that hard so far.  At one point I remembered I had an ice cream bar waiting for me in the freezer, but I was too full after dinner to justify eating it and calling it dessert.  Instead of obsessing about the ice cream and giving in and having it as an evening snack I just told myself that tomorrow is a new day, and it will be waiting for me then.  I felt peaceful about that.  Of course, sweet things are not really what I crave.  I can pretty much take or leave chocolate and ice cream.  So, it wasn't that impressive.

The impressive thing is later in the evening, two of my kids came home from a movie with a great big tub of buttered popcorn, and when I saw that I said, "Oh, gimme some of that!"  and then I remembered my new no snacking after dinner rule and said, "Nevermind."  I spent a few minutes thinking about how good that ice cream would taste after a salty, buttery bowl of popcorn, and what a nice little snack that would be, but the moment passed quickly, and I didn't think about eating again for the rest of the night.

Unfortunately, I had a really hard time sleeping, and around 3:00 in the morning when I was still awake and tossing and turning, my stomach started growling and burning in that hungry way.  It had been eight hours since I last ate. The growling didn't last long, and I finally managed to fall asleep sometime after 4:00.  So, I survived, and it was pretty painless.

If I can manage to not eat after dinner AND continue to make mostly healthy food choices during the day, I think some weight will start to go.  I realized today that it's been weeks since I ate boxed mac-n-cheese or instant mashed potatoes or a cup of ramen noodles, all things that had been my staples for several months.  I am making changes slowly and can feel good about that. This morning I had my smoothie for breakfast and a salad for lunch.

Speaking of my salad,...I went out to the garden and picked some lettuce and then threw together a salad with some dried cranberries and sunflower seeds only to discover my favorite salad dressing was all gone.  I was disappointed, but decided to try to make a little vinaigrette of my own.  I put some olive oil, rice vinegar, chia seeds, a few mixed berries and salt and pepper into a blender and gave it a whirl.  It was pretty tasty!  I was so proud of myself.

An Experiment

I'm trying something new for a few days.  If it feels more like torture or a punishment imposed on myself for being overweight, I'll re-evaluate.  I'm going to make dinner (Supper, if you live in Midwest U.S.A.) the last meal of my day; no snacks after dinner. 

Nighttime is when I crave the things that are the least healthy for my body.  It's when I want potato chips, nachos, and deep-fried cheesy things.  I suspect this is because nighttime is when I feel most vulnerable and needy.  Instead of letting myself have those feelings, and instead of figuring out what is the cause of those feelings, (might just be normal brain chemistry triggered by darkness) I typically choose to numb myself with the computer, carbs and sometimes cocktails.  Actually, I typically drink wine, but I was looking for another "c" word, 'cause I'm clever like that.

It's going to be hard for me to not eat in the evening, so I'll need to replace this ritual with another one.  I'm going to try writing in a notebook when I find myself wanting to snack at night.  I'm not sure what I'll write about.  Maybe I'll write about my day, or maybe I'll try to get in touch with what I'm feeling that is causing me to go foraging in the kitchen.

This is just an experiment at this point.  I was able to not eat after dinner last night.  When I started to feel really hungry I realized that I was probably more likely tired than actually hungry because I had eaten a big dinner, so I went to bed instead of eating.  If it doesn't work out, that's fine, but it's worth trying.  I'll let you know.