I recognize the need to accept myself unconditionally. Hating myself has to stop. It's not helping me reach my goals, and it is not making my life better. It's affecting me and those I love negatively. It has to stop.
I'm having a hard time, however, reconciling the need to accept myself unconditionally right now with the intense desire to change. Losing weight would be healthy for my body and good for my self esteem. I think there is a fear lurking somewhere that if I accept myself unconditionally I will never lose weight. Or maybe that it is impossible to accept myself and want to lose weight at the same time.
Still, I know that hating myself has done nothing but send me running to food and hiding behind my computer for comfort. It's done nothing but add pounds to my frame. In fact, the more I think about weight, the more I seem to attract.
Maybe I can't love myself and want to lose weight at the same time. I mean I can't be thinking about my weight every minute of the day and call that self-love. Maybe the key to losing this weight is to stop trying so hard. Stop thinking about it constantly. Stop spending all of my precious energy telling myself I'll treat myself well after I lose weight. I'll take that trip to see an old friend after I lose 30 pounds. I'll go to the beach after I'm thin.
Maybe the key is to do whatever the hell makes me feel happy and special right now.
I know that in the past I've had the most success with losing weight when I feel good about myself. It's almost like this weird natural law that as soon as I buy an outfit that looks terrific on me in the size I am right now that I lose so much weight that I can no longer wear that terrific outfit.
It's time to put that natural law to work for me again.
So, I no longer want to lose weight. What I want is to feel special. I want to feel loved. I want to experience joy, and I can do all of those things right now because none of them hinge on a number on the scale.
(I still hope I lose weight.)