I'm having a hard time, however, reconciling the need to accept myself unconditionally right now with the intense desire to change. Losing weight would be healthy for my body and good for my self esteem. I think there is a fear lurking somewhere that if I accept myself unconditionally I will never lose weight. Or maybe that it is impossible to accept myself and want to lose weight at the same time.
Still, I know that hating myself has done nothing but send me running to food and hiding behind my computer for comfort. It's done nothing but add pounds to my frame. In fact, the more I think about weight, the more I seem to attract.
Maybe I can't love myself and want to lose weight at the same time. I mean I can't be thinking about my weight every minute of the day and call that self-love. Maybe the key to losing this weight is to stop trying so hard. Stop thinking about it constantly. Stop spending all of my precious energy telling myself I'll treat myself well after I lose weight. I'll take that trip to see an old friend after I lose 30 pounds. I'll go to the beach after I'm thin.
Maybe the key is to do whatever the hell makes me feel happy and special right now.
I know that in the past I've had the most success with losing weight when I feel good about myself. It's almost like this weird natural law that as soon as I buy an outfit that looks terrific on me in the size I am right now that I lose so much weight that I can no longer wear that terrific outfit.
It's time to put that natural law to work for me again.
So, I no longer want to lose weight. What I want is to feel special. I want to feel loved. I want to experience joy, and I can do all of those things right now because none of them hinge on a number on the scale.
(I still hope I lose weight.)
Excellent post! I totally agree. I think even people who are thin have these thoughts, 'I'll be happier once I get promoted.' Or 'I'll be happier when my kids are older.' Or 'I'll be happier when I find the perfect partner.' All of it is conditional and I firmly believe that even when we meet our conditions we create new ones instantaneously, instead of seeing the positive solutions that may arise in each moment as we use forward momentum and self-acceptance as guides.
ReplyDeleteI totally support this and I think you are so on the right track! I need to jump on that bandwagon!
XOXO,
MM
Yes, it's like you said in one of your posts a couple of days ago. We can choose to live in the moment and we can choose to be content there.
ReplyDeleteGoing along with this desire to accept yourself, perhaps you could look at eating well and moving as part of being in the moment, and as contributing to your health and vitality. It doesn't matter if you never weigh yourself again. It doesn't matter if you don't know your weight. It doesn't matter what size your clothes are. (I wish there was some way we could buy clothes without knowing the number. That would be a huge leap forward for most women's self-esteem.)
ReplyDeleteI call the 'I'll be happy when...' pattern 'magical thinking'. As soon as you can identify it, you can dismiss it. :) Oh, well, that's just magical thinking. Begone!
I hope you continue to post. x
Oh yeah, I'm not going to stop striving to eat well and make my body stronger with exercise. I plan to keep checking in with my weight too. What I'm going to really work on though, is not letting the number on the scale ruin my day. I'm going to try to recognize that stepping on the scale and knowing that number changes nothing about who I am. It's all rather abstract right now because I'm dealing with thought patterns that have taken years to establish. I just know that this work is important to do. I've been trying to bypass this part and feeling happy with myself only when I'm getting lighter. If I can be happy with myself even when I'm getting heavier or better yet if heavier or lighter no longer matters it'll be a huge win.
DeleteAnd yeah, when I catch myself in that kind of "magical thinking," I'll challenge myself by asking myself, "Why not be happy right now?" Indeed, why not?
It's so true, I've often lost weight when I felt happy and stopped worrying about it! Good luck finding the love for yourself anew every day :)
ReplyDelete