What To Do?

So, this weight thing.  I have to somehow harmonize my desire to love myself with my desire to lose weight.  The weight I've gained is causing me physical discomfort, and I think I may have gained even more because in the last couple of weeks my discomfort has grown more intense.

My back hurts when I spend even short amounts of time on my feet, and first thing in the morning I am so sore I can barely walk.  When I do walk I waddle like a woman who is nine months pregnant.  In fact, I weigh much more than I did during my pregnancies, so it's not hard to understand why I would waddle.  Also, perhaps it is middle age, but I am carrying much more weight up front in my abdomen, whereas before I would always gain weight all over.  This adds to the waddle factor.

I am still working on loving and accepting myself as I am right now, but I think it's time to put some effort into loving myself in tangible way.  A little extra work that will make me feel better and contribute to my good health is a way to love myself as long as I don't withhold joy and happiness from myself until I achieve a certain goal.  Before I was approaching the weight thing from a place of self-hatred.  Now I think I'm ready to approach it from a place of love and acceptance.

I don't think I'm going to get on the scale right now because it will upset me, but I am going to take a few measurements so that I can have an objective way to tell if I'm getting smaller or bigger.  Right now all I'm going by is that I'm waddling when I walk for the first time since giving birth to my last child ten years ago.

My first   plan of action is to begin writing a "to-do" list each night.  I've never been very organized, and although I have purchased multiple planners, organizers, notebooks, and systems to try to get organized,  I've never really been good at maintaining any of those.  I will try, once again, to make a small daily "to-do" list, though because I need a little extra direction right now, and I would prefer that direction come from my very own self and not from whatever impulse drives me in the moment because generally my impulses drive me to procrastination.  My challenge will be forgiving myself for not checking everything off of my list and keeping the list small.

I started today and accomplished all of the items on my list:  20 situps, clean out the refrigerator, get my youngest bathed, and make a loaf of French bread for tonight's dinner (tuna melts).  I've written my list for tomorrow, and mentally it is already growing as I think of other things I really should add, but I'm going to keep it as is for now.