I'm not sure how long I've been depressed, but I am depressed. Again. In the past, when I've been depressed my doctor has prescribed anti-depressants. I am resisting that method of treating my depression this time. One time I cured my depression through exercise. I know it's possible for me.
Anti-depressants are hellish for me during the adjustment phase, and even after that they make me feel flat. I don't feel hopeless, bored, and irritable, but neither do I feel joy. I don't sleep when I take anti-depressants, so my doctor usually prescribes a 2nd medication to help me sleep. Those medications also have undesirable side effects for me, and the last one I took worked really well for a long time, until it started causing violent muscle spasms. So, because I needed to sleep, I started drinking wine in the evenings. It worked, but I became dependent on alcohol for sleep, just the same as one becomes dependent on sleeping medication, except that wine has way more calories, especially when you drink a whole bottle every night. More meds? No, thank you.
While I've been sitting here depressed, every day wanting to start doing what I need to do to wake up again, I've been gaining weight. That is keeping me stuck. I can't tell you how much weight I've gained because I'm afraid to get on the scale. I'm mortified by how I look, though, and because I've outgrown even my fat clothes I've become a recluse. I almost never leave the house; not to get the mail, not to go grocery shopping, not to have dinner with my husband, and not to spend time with my friends.
On the rare occasions that I do go out I feel uncomfortable and self conscious the entire time. My friends tell me I'm beautiful, and yes, they can see I've gained weight, but I'm not huge, and I'm not grotesque, and that I'm being way too hard on myself. I'm sure they are right, and yet, I remain mortified by myself. Besides, none of my clothes fit me anymore so I live in sweatpants and pajamas. I don't want to go buy bigger clothes. It's expensive and painful for me. Been there, done that, got the size XXL t-shirt. I'm probably going to have to at some point, but I keep telling myself I will lose weight and wear my old clothes, but that's a little like bashing myself over the head with a frying pan over and over.
So, that's the backstory. Now you know why I have to change. One step at a time, I will learn to first accept myself, then love myself, than take care of myself the way I deserve to be cared for.