Today I thought I'd do real life for a day to see if I liked it. I did not. I've been ignoring the world around me, hiding in my computer, pretending the real world doesn't exist. When I opened my eyes, determined to deal with the stuff I've been pushing aside and saw what a mess there is around me I got pissed off.
I'm pissed that when I check out, nobody covers for me. I'm pissed that I have to ask for every single thing I need, and if I don't nag or persuade or manipulate the people around me things don't happen. Or I could just do it all myself. If only that were possible.
And then I realize I'm being unfair. My husband is working long hours to pay the bills. My kids do whatever I ask, even if it is with deep sighs and rolling eyeballs.
I'm pissed off at myself. Why can't I keep it all together? Why can't I handle my shit without getting overwhelmed and sinking into a world that exists inside myself? Why do I check out until things are crumbling all around me?
I don't like real life. I'm not built for it. I want to go back to sleep.