Tuesday, September 3, 2013


Today I thought I'd do real life for a day to see if I liked it.  I did not.  I've been ignoring the world around me, hiding in my computer, pretending the real world doesn't exist.  When I opened my eyes, determined to deal with the stuff I've been pushing aside and saw what a mess there is around me I got pissed off.

I'm pissed that when I check out, nobody covers for me.  I'm pissed that I have to ask for every single thing I need, and if I don't nag or persuade or manipulate the people around me things don't happen.  Or I could just do it all myself.  If only that were possible.

And then I realize I'm being unfair.  My husband is working long hours to pay the bills.  My kids do whatever I ask, even if it is with deep sighs and rolling eyeballs.

I'm pissed off at myself.  Why can't I keep it all together?  Why can't I handle my shit without getting overwhelmed and sinking into a world that exists inside myself?  Why do I check out until things are crumbling all around me? 

I don't like real life.  I'm not built for it.  I want to go back to sleep.


  1. Stay awake. There's long enough for sleeping after we're dead.

    Why not try something as an experiment. See if you can write a post in which you never say 'I'. Write about something other than 'I'. Shall we each try one? Let's!!!

  2. Sending love and hugs! It may not seem soothing but I wanted to assure you that all of us feel this way at times-- especially moms!

    Perhaps you can reframe the experiences you have in ways such as this:

    Example 1:

    "I am depressed and tired and drowning in things to do and no one cares to help me. Life sucks!"


    "I am loved and valued. My contrubution to my family is very noticeable, even if I don't always get verbal evidence of that. To avoid burnout, I think I will talk to my family openly about this, in a way that is respectful but also honors my needs."

    Anyway...just a thought, and one I am sure you have already had. I often indulge in deep feelings of despair or low self worth--but it is truly amazing what a little perspective and some focus can do!

  3. Anyway...

    Your needs and feelings are very important. They show what is lacking and what would help. Sometimes when I get super grumpy I get frustrated with myself, but then I realize that my frustration is a glimpse into what needs to change for me--it increases my motivation to help myself.

    Sorry for the rant and good luck!

  4. We...contribution. Tired+sick+cell phone.

  5. Thanks. :-) I was feeling really low yesterday and just looking for a safe place to vent. If I had waited two hours to write, I would have written something very different as my perspective had already begun to shift. Still, it's valuable for me to write when I'm having intense feelings because so often I check out and don't let myself feel anything at all. It's good to see how those feelings can skew my perspective and evaluate it when I'm not in the middle of a tantrum. ;-)

    I did talk to my husband about some things I was needing yesterday, and I'm thankful that he already knew, without my having to make a list, what was frustrating me.

    1. Oh, I'm so glad you feel better! :) I am still intrigued to try writing a blog entry without saying 'I'. What a challenge!

    2. I will look forward to seeing what you come up with. :-) For me, this is my little corner of the Universe to talk about myself after so much time spent taking care of other people and listening to their worries and problems. It's a journal about my thoughts and activities. "Project ME." lol.

      I understand your point, though, I think. Depression is a very self absorbed state of being. I get that you were trying to pull me outside of myself, and I appreciate it.

  6. Sorry I'm late coming to this. And sorry to hear that you were feeling so down. I'm really glad that you talked with your hubby and that he's helpful and supportive, and also that you could find a different perspective for yourself, too. Totally agree that it's good to have somewhere to vent, somewhere you can just say whatever you're feeling in the moment.

    Sending you good wishes,