I only wrote three times the entire month. I somehow lost that winning attitude I developed early in the year and fell back into some of my regular habits. I'm not bothered by that, just observing patterns. I lost 2.6 pounds for the month, which is a lot less than I expected or hoped to lose. One of the old habits I picked up again was the one where I'm waiting to be thinner to be happy. I forgot that I had accepted myself exactly the way I am, and that doing that felt great. After losing 12 pounds I was so excited and I started doing the math in my head, telling myself that if I continued to lose weight at that rate I'd be feeling really good by Summer. I forgot that I had decided to feel really good no matter what I weigh.
I mentioned that I was working on some other things, making pendants, brushing up on my Spanish, but since mentioning that I haven't made a single pendant or visited the app I was using to learn Spanish once.
I spent the entire month pretty distracted, or maybe I was trying to distract myself. I ended a toxic friendship, and there has been a grieving process with that. I've spent a lot of time second guessing my decision and reassuring myself that it was the right one at the same time. While I was honest with my friend about my reasons for ending our friendship, she has decided to make up her own reasons and has been painting an ugly picture about the situation. That's been frustrating, but I'm at peace with it. I expected it. It fits the unhealthy pattern that led to my decision in the first place, and the people who matter, know who I am, and have been able to see through the smokescreen that was created to hide the truth.
Now I move forward. It feels like I've been stuck this month, but I haven't. I've leaned some lessons. I know there is no "happy switch" that gets flipped forever and for all time. It's more like a ball that gets rolling and sometimes it loses momentum and needs a nudge or sometimes a great big shove to get rolling again. This time I think a nudge will do.
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| Album Cover - Keep the Ball Rolling, Bryn Haworth |
Hope you can keep ahold of that knowledge, that you can be happy any time, and deserve to feel loved and loving. Sounds like quite a tough month - friends are so important, so I really get why ending the friendship, and her subsequent smokescreen, felt so painful. Good luck getting back to doing some fun new things for you! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks. :-)
DeleteThis is good. I like reading things like this. I feel these periods of falling back a bit are totally normal and not to be feared. I'm glad you're writing about it. I think sometimes we just feel crappy or ashamed of things that we shouldn't. Your lighter attitude toward all of this is showing through, and I really like that!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm moving away from feeling guilt or shaming myself for not being the way or doing the things I think I should be doing. Who needs guilt and shame? Good for nothing, those two things, I say! ;-)
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