Ya Done Good

I've decided that Monday will be my official weigh-in day.  I thought about changing my weigh-ins to before the weekend, because I always seem to undo a little of my work over the weekend, and this weekend is no exception, but, if this is going to work, I have to figure out how to live life with it's ups and downs and still eat happily. 

Anyway, today I weigh 249.6 which is 1.8 pounds less than last Monday.  My waist is 40 inches now, which is a full inch less than last week.  I'm disappointed with this result, and it occurs to me that this is crazy.  For months I've been gaining weight and getting bigger until I decided to love and accept myself exactly as I am.  Then the weight starts coming off and immediately I'm back to telling myself it's not good enough?  Crazy! 

This is my official reminder that being disappointed in myself for not doing a better job is no different from hating myself for gaining the weight in the first place.  I am lovely and loveable  exactly as I am.  I was lovely and loveable two weeks ago, and I will continue to be lovely and loveable no matter what I weigh. 

1.8 pounds in a week is actually a nice loss, especially considering the fact that it was not hard.  I am not starving myself.  I'm not denying myself any of the foods I love.  Okay, we did go to our favorite Mexican restaurant, and I did deny myself a margarita and had water instead, but I was proud of myself for making that choice, and after the meal was over, I didn't miss the margarita.

Ya done good Hasselhoff.  Ya done good.

My Smoothie Secret

I'm always trying to get fish oil in my diet, but I hate the way it tastes.  I usually take it in capsule form, but there is that whole business of repeating that takes place with them.  Fish oil burps are really gross.  I've tried freezing the capsules because someone told me that keeps that from happening, but it doesn't work.

Anyway, I've found a delicious way to take fish oil.  Barlean's Omega Swirl comes in a bunch of flavors, but I have the lemon twist and you can literally take a teaspoon right out of the bottle and eat it without tasting even a hint of fish.  I sound like an advertisement, but I was really surprised by this find, and now I drink a smoothie every day with it. 

I use ice, a handful of spinach, a couple of teaspoons of the lemon twist, chia seeds, almond milk, and a scoop of protein powder. (I use Jay Robb Whey Protein.  It's made with stevia so no sugars.)  With the vanilla protein powder it tastes like a lemon cream pie! 

This small size is my snack size.  Sometimes I have it for breakfast and then I make about twice as much.  (I still use the same amount of fish oil, though.)  Yesterday I made the big smoothie for lunch, but I accidentally used half and half instead of almond milk.  Yikes!  That was a 700 calorie smoothie!  It was super tasty, though.  I didn't even realize what I'd done until I had finished it.  I won't make that mistake again.

Articles about the benefits of Fish Oil:

• 9 Health Benefits of Fish Oil
• Pop This Supplement to Stay Young 
• Fish Oil Benefits?

My Clothes Are Getting Bigger

I am feeling great!  I just wanted to put that out there.  I'll elaborate.

I just finished my Intro to Yoga series, and it was really good for me.  There were physical benefits, but the emotional and mental benefits might eclipse the physical ones.  The teacher of the class was great, and I learned even more to accept the body that I have right now.  She really emphasized not comparing ourselves to others and how different and wonderful all of our bodies are.  It was also really important for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new.  I used to do that all the time, but somehow forgot I was that kind of woman.

I'm going to take another intro series because my daughter wants to take it too, and she wanted someone to go with her.  I'm thrilled that she'll be joining me.  The class doesn't start until the 5th of next month, so I'm thinking of catching a couple of the regular gentle classes next week.

This is week two of my new eating plan, and I love it!  I've discovered new recipes, and I've discovered I need a lot less bread and pasta to be happy than I thought I needed.  I'm still losing weight, although not as quickly as I did in week one.  My husband is also losing weight, and it's really nice to have someone in the house who is eating the same meals as I am.  Last night we had jalapeño bites.  The jalapeños are stuffed with cream cheese, feta or goat cheese, parmesan cheese, tomatoes and cilantro.  I used salsa because I didn't have tomatoes and cilantro on hand.  Then you wrap them in bacon and bake at 375 degrees for about 25 minutes.

In other news, today before going out shopping when I got dressed I noticed the shirt I put on felt a lot bigger on me than it had the last time I wore it.  That was a nice surprise!  It was the same shirt I wore for a picture I posted a few months ago, so I made a side by side comparison.  Now, I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think most of what I have lost has been around the middle, so you can definitely see the difference, or at least, I can.  I can feel the difference too, and that is a nice feeling.

August 2013                                                                               February 2014

You can't see my waistline in the second picture because the shirt hangs down and hides it instead of hugging my hips like in the first, but it's in there!

One Week Later, Drumroll Please

I've just finished one week of my new eating plan, and I'm very happy with the results.  I'm not happy so much because I lost weight.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about that, but losing weight isn't that hard.  It's continuing to lose and not gain that is difficult.  This is the first time I've felt hopeful that I could continue to lose weight this way. 

There were two days a week where I craved carbohydrates in the evenings.  The rest of the week I was satisfied.  In fact, I ate better this week than I can remember ever eating.  The food was all made by me with real, whole ingredients, and everything was delicious, and even better, I didn't feel bloated and uncomfortable once all week.

Pizza made with a whole wheat pita, home-made Alfredo sauce, spinach, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, and crumbled bacon. Green salad with dressing made from olive oil, raw apple cider vinegar, raw honey, minced garlic, Himalayan sea salt, and cracked pepper.

This is an example of the types of meals I ate during the five days of the week where I ate around 125 carbohydrate grams a day or less.  Normally when I eat pizza, I would not have a salad with it, and I would eat a lot more of the pizza than this, but like I said earlier, this plan puts a fence around the carbohydrates for me, and I didn't miss the extra pizza.  I didn't miss feeling overstuffed, and I didn't miss the heartburn either. 

I like that I'm not counting calories.  I have no idea how many calories I ate each day.  I hate tracking every bite I take.  The only thing I did was become more aware of the bread, pasta, and sugar I was adding to my diet, and I chose higher fiber versions and smaller portions of those things.

Oh, so what was the result in numbers?  Well, I lost 6 lbs and 2.5 inches around my waist.  I weigh 251.4 lbs and my waist is 41 inches today.  If you're keeping track, that's only 1 pound lost since I started this blog because I had actually been gaining weight since I began writing. 

I'll tell you what else I've gained since I began writing.  I've gained greater compassion for and acceptance of myself exactly as I am.  My self-talk is much kinder.  My confidence - higher.   And hope.  I've gained hope.  I've gained the ability to dream again.

(Pretty syrupy and dramatic, huh?  Can't help it, it's the truth. lol)

Happily Hopeful

Yesterday I mentioned a new menu plan I was trying.  I'm only two days in, but I'm so happy with, not only the initial results, but with my ability to eat this way relatively easily that I decided to share even though I was going to wait for a week or two.

I picked up a new book by Jorge Cruise called, "Happy Hormones, Slim Belly."  The premise of the book, in a nutshell, is that women over 40 naturally crave more carbohydrates to help their bodies produce more serotonin as levels drop due to pre or peri-menopause.  So, although the carbs cause weight gain, you can't deny a woman over 40 those carbs because she needs them.  A catch 22.  So, Jorge, while sharing the science behind this idea, has developed a plan where one eats almost no carbs for two consecutive days of the week and adds carbohydrate calories back into the diet for the remaining five days of the week.  He calls it, "Carb cycling."

I've just finished my first two days of very low carb eating, and I've lost almost 5 pounds since Monday morning!  Now, I don't expect those results every week, and the book doesn't promise those kinds of results,  (The book does promise 7 pounds of weight loss the first week and 2 pounds a week after that.) but I am thrilled to be starting out so well.  Thrilled, not so much because of the weight lost, because I've lost that kind of weight before, but thrilled because the foods I'm eating on this plan are the exact same foods I was eating before.  The difference is, this plan sort of puts a fence around all those carbs that were a little out of control for me before.  This makes the plan sustainable for me.

I won't lie.  I did crave carbs on the two days that I didn't have them, especially in the evening, but knowing I could add them back into my diet in two days and for the bulk of the week kept me going.  I just grabbed another cheese stick or handful of macadamia nuts, sipped a tall glass of water and planned what I'd eat tomorrow.  Last night when I was craving carbs I dreamed of today's lunch, a dream that was realized today with joy. :-)

Egg Salad on half a whole wheat English muffin topped with a leaf of Romaine lettuce

Update

I went to my first yoga class last night, and it was good!  My worst fears were not realized.  I was not the only overweight woman there.  I wasn't even the biggest woman there.  I never felt judged or pitied.  Nobody looked at me like they were thinking, "You can't do yoga.  What are you doing here?"  It seems silly, in retrospect, that I entertained any of those "what if," thoughts and fears because my experience was so far from being like my fears and very much what I had hoped it would be.

I'm also eating a different way, trying a new plan, but I don't want to say too much about it until I find out if it's going to be sustainable as a lifestyle or if it's just another wild hair that isn't going to last and will leave me feeling like a failure.  So far, it has promise.

That's all.

New Year, New Attitude, Still a Go!

 Just a report on the progress I've made on regaining ground I thought I'd lost.

With holidays, illness, and back pain behind me, I'm feeling better and finally getting back into my routine of cooking meals using real food instead of ordering pizza and buying packaged dinners in a box to feed everyone. 

Cream of Broccoli Soup in Progress

Also, since I cut my 2-day cleanse short, I had a bunch of extra veggies in the fridge, so I made myself a nice tall glass of juice for a snack today.  I was shocked when my youngest daughter drank some and asked for more.  She actually liked it!  This is the girl who will eat nothing but pizza, nachos, macaroni and cheese, and chili, but only if it comes in a can.

The juice was made with an apple, celery, kale, artichoke hearts, cucumbers, parsley, and a bit of lemon.  Not bad for a little girl who lives on bread and cheese and a mommy who is getting her groove back.

Coziness

I'm grateful for:

• My expensive juicer that waits patiently for me to return to it again and again.
• A clean kitchen.
• Weather that is not FREEZING, as it is in other parts of the country.
• The soft glow of candlelight.
• A good book to read.

Giving Up,...

On this 2-day cleanse.  I almost gave up last night because I was so hungry, and my head was really hurting, but I hung in there and had a very fitful night sleep.  I had to get up around 6 times to pee.  I did wake up feeling pretty good, though, and that tummy bloat I've had for the last couple of days was gone, not the fat, but the extra bloat, which accounted for a lot of discomfort. 

The problem is, it's dinner time, and facing that bland cabbage soup is making me gag.  I did make some and ate a few bites, but I can't choke any more down.  I decided this has passed the point of being kind to myself, and has become punishment.  I'm going to eat dinner, and start the day with a healthy breakfast tomorrow, and try to continue being kind by avoiding junk and eating well. 

I hope my day and a half cleanse benefited my body at least a little.

Two Days, and I'm Not Excited About This.

I'm trying this 2 day cleanse just to see what happens.  I'm on day one.  I've had breakfast and lunch, and all I can tell you so far is I do not find quinoa with prunes at all appetizing or enjoyable.

I should be able to do this for two days.  Right? 

Update:  I've made it through one day of the cleanse, and I'm sitting here drinking some dandelion root tea before bed.  I am hungry, and I can't even look forward to eating tomorrow because the thought of that cabbage soup and quinoa with prunes is making me gag.  I'm craving fat and salt like crazy.  A small bowl of cottage cheese sounds like heaven to me right now. 

Oh well, it will be especially nice to get back to eating normally again.  It's only two days.

Really? A Test So Soon?

Today I've done something to my back. I've thrown it out somehow, which is hilarious because I was just sitting on the couch when suddenly I was in big pain and found I could barely walk when I got up. That's how funny getting old is.  Not. 

It has spoiled my plans for the weekend, and it has shown me how fragile my fresh new outlook is. I have to learn that shit's gonna happen, and I can't just give up when it does.

Right now, though? I'm in pain, and I kinda want to give up a little. I'll be okay, just feeling sorry for myself. And that's okay too. I hurt, and I am sorry for myself. So there. I'm really glad I still have ten days before that yoga class.

When Are You Going to Stop?

When? 2014.  Now.  "Tired," doesn't even begin to describe how I've felt this past year.

"When are you going to stop taking your cues from others about what you should be and do in life? When are you going to stop denying your authentic self to satisfy the expectations and scripts others have put on you? When are you going to start listening to that voice inside you? When are you going to start trusting your own internal guidance system? When is the violation of your true self going to be a bigger violation than displeasing others? When are you going to stop playing the futile game of measuring up? When are you going to accept that simply being you is enough? When are you going to see that your worth and value is an intrinsic, unchanging and irrefutable fact, and not a tenuous and questionable proposition that you have to fight for every day?

Aren't you tired yet?"

- Jim Palmer, Notes from (Over) the Edge

Read this passage again, and see which sentences stir something in your gut.  This one did it for me:

  
"When is the violation of your true self going to be a bigger violation than displeasing others?"

Now I've Done It

I signed up for a yoga class.  I'm nervous, but I guess that's normal anytime one tries something new.  I'm afraid when I get to the class I'll be the biggest person there.  I'm afraid I'll be clumsy and awkward.  I'm afraid people will judge me, but those are worse case scenarios, and even if all of those things happen I'll be okay and better for having taken the risk.

The class is all paid for; now all I have to do is show up.  I still have eleven days before the first class of the session.  I'll use that time to shop for a new yoga outfit. Oh, and I'll get a pedicure too!  Now I'm excited.

Newness

I'm grateful for:

• a fresh outlook.
• finally being well after 3 weeks of illness.
• days that are getting longer again.
• being courageous.
• being assertive.

Looking Ahead

I'm looking forward to being present, awake, and alive in 2014.  I've adopted a goal of unconditional acceptance and radical self-love, and I don't know if it's the moon and the stars, a supernatural force, or my imagination, but I'm feeling a definite shift in that direction.  My perspective has changed and some of the fog that has surrounded me in the last year or two has lifted.

With the lifting of that fog, I can see that the last year has been even more difficult than I had realized.  I have spent so much time numbing myself and not letting myself feel things.  I've spent so much time chasing after, "The thing," that will make me healthier and happier and whole.  No wonder I spent the year exhausted.  "The thing," doesn't exist outside of myself.  It doesn't come in a pill.  I can't squeeze it out of a vegetable that I grew in the ground, although I sure as hell tried.  (I'm not giving up on healthy eating and exercise, by the way.  Just saying it's not, "The thing.")

I think maybe some people gave up on me in 2013 because I haven't been able to be there for them in the same way I had in the past.  Despite my best efforts to support them, love them, and stay in touch while still doing what I needed to do for myself, I think a couple of them have written me off and moved on.  And you know what?  I've decided that's really okay.  I was feeling so much weight from their expectations, whether they were real or imagined on my part.  Now that the weight of my failure to meet the expectations of others is gone I feel free to move forward.

What needs to go will go.  What needs to come will come.  Welcome 2014!