Goodbye September

September is usually my favorite month of the year.  I can always count on sunshine, crisp and cool mornings, and a feeling of renewed motivation.  This September has been a disappointment.  It has been gray and rainy, and yesterday was my wedding anniversary, but I spent it sick.  I'm still sick, and there is more gloomy weather to come.

I probably shouldn't complain.  We just had one of the nicest Summers I can remember, but I feel like I squandered it.   I should have used the time to get my body moving and develop some healthy habits so that I would have a leg up as I enter the time of year that I find most challenging. 

I gained weight this Summer instead of losing it.  Now what can I expect for the dark days of Fall and Winter?  More weight gain?

But see?  This is the type of thinking that I'm working to change.  Beating myself up for not doing what I should be doing is my norm, and it's not working.  Trying to make better choices so that I can be happier is not working.  What if I decided to just be happier regardless of the choices I'm making?  I wonder if being happier would lead to better choices and not the other way around.  I know it would, so I'm going to resist beating myself up and go back to accepting and loving myself, knowing I can be happy right now.

I'm also going to let myself rest and recover from this illness and shake this feeling that the house is falling down around me because I don't have the energy to get it cleaned up.  I'm going to spend the next 30 seconds grieving for the loss of my favorite month, (lost because I thought I needed the sunshine to allow myself to be happy in it, not because it was gray) and look forward to the days to come because I'm going to be happy in them no matter what it looks like outside and no matter how tired and achy I feel.

Wrapped in the Glow

"Wrapped in the Glow" by Monica Stewart

Despairing

Today I thought I'd do real life for a day to see if I liked it.  I did not.  I've been ignoring the world around me, hiding in my computer, pretending the real world doesn't exist.  When I opened my eyes, determined to deal with the stuff I've been pushing aside and saw what a mess there is around me I got pissed off.

I'm pissed that when I check out, nobody covers for me.  I'm pissed that I have to ask for every single thing I need, and if I don't nag or persuade or manipulate the people around me things don't happen.  Or I could just do it all myself.  If only that were possible.

And then I realize I'm being unfair.  My husband is working long hours to pay the bills.  My kids do whatever I ask, even if it is with deep sighs and rolling eyeballs.

I'm pissed off at myself.  Why can't I keep it all together?  Why can't I handle my shit without getting overwhelmed and sinking into a world that exists inside myself?  Why do I check out until things are crumbling all around me? 

I don't like real life.  I'm not built for it.  I want to go back to sleep.